Episode #3: Monkee VS. Machine
Plot: After Peter is rejected by a machine for a job at a toy factory, Mike applies and outwits the machine. The guys must also help Pop, an old toy maker, find success with his latest invention, the boomerang.
Check It Out:
The only time (I think) that Peter dresses like a woman.
What Have We Learned Here, Children?:
1.) Machines are stupid.
2.) The boomerang was invented in 1966.
3.) The person who goes the furthest in life is the one who knows how to make (slaps palm of hand with fist) decisions!
Quotes:
- “Wait a minute, that’s not my name at all. My name is—“-Peter
“Occupation.”-Machine
“Peter, you dig? Pete.”-Peter
“You dig peat? Occupation: peat digger.”-Machine
- “No! My mother is female!”-Peter
“What do you do in your spare time Mrs. Notwhat?"-Machine
“Listen, I’m a man!”-Peter
“In your spare time you are a man.”-Machine
- “He is between the ages of 8 and 11, he’s 13!”-Peter
- “I have to help him with his reading everyday.”-Micky
“While I’m shaving!”-Peter
Episode #5: The Spy Who Came in From the Cool
Plot: Davy accidentally acquires some important spy film from a bumbling foreign spy, Boris. The Monkees are commissioned by the C.I.S. to lure Boris and his companion, Madame, to the C.I.S.
Note: The same woman who plays Madame plays the Vampire’s niece on the Monkees second Halloween eppie.
Check It Out: The “Saturday’s Child” romp. One of my favorites!
What Did We Learn Here, Children?:
1.) Never buy a cheap pair of red maracas from a fat guy with a Russian accent.
2.) Never trust anyone named “Madame”.
3.) You can’t hear a nod.
Quotes:
- “We’ve come for the film!”-Madame
“That’s okay, we usually take it to the drug store.”-Peter
- “You take the guitar and wail, baby”-Mike
- “How do you feel about demonstrations?”-Honeywell
“They’re the only way to sell a vacuum cleaner”-Peter
- “Ooh, scorched you again there, Yamasheta.”-Mike
- “I grow impatient”-Madame
“I grow daffodils-Peter
Episode #8: Don’t Look a Gift Horse In the Mouth
Plot: After meeting a little boy on the beach, Davy ends up having to take care of the boy’s Pet horse, Jeremy.
Check It Out:
The winking Mike! (I am not a Nezhead, but I have to admit, that was interesting!).
The guy who plays the Dad appears once again as the minister in “Hillbilly Honeymoon”.
Oh, and what’s with that jeep the guys drive out to the farm? Where’d they get that?
What Have We Learned Here, Children?:
1.) Looking for a friend lost in a pile of straw? A pitchfork works best!
2.) Only in Monkee-land can you get milk from a Bull.
3.) How many Monkees does it take to get sand out of Davy’s boot? The world may never know.
Quotes:
- “Well, Peter, you’ve reached a new low.”-Mike
- “It’s probably the villagers with their torches.”-Mike
- “Feed the chickens to the cows.”-Davy
- “I guess I better go warn the cow.”-Mike
Episode #12: I’ve Got a Little Song Here
Plot: Mike gets conned by a phony songwriting producer.
Check It Out: Does anybody know what the sketch is that Peter holds up during Micky’s scene as “MD”?
What Have We Learned Here, Children?:
1.) Peter + Puppies = Cute!
2.) If you can’t open it, burn it.
3.) To sound like a big man, use your initials as your name (i.e. M.D.).
Quotes:
- “In 1952, all America was humming this never to be forgotten hit…what was the name of that hit?”-Micky
- “Hey, man, will you remember us when you’re rich and famous?”-Davy
“Oh, you know I will, Danny.”-Mike
- “Does the name Mike Nesmith mean anything to you?”-Mike
“No, it’s only a rumor. We’re just good friends.”-Joni Jans
- “Hey Mike”-Peter
“What”-Mike
“Hey, Mike?”-Peter
“What Peter?”-Mike
“My mother says you have the best posture of anybody she knows.”-Peter
- Why must they always fawn ?”-Micky
Episode #14: Dance, Monkee, Dance
Plot: Peter and the guys get suckered into signing lifetime contracts to “Renaldo’s Dance Au-Go-Go”. They spend the rest of the time trying to get out of it.
Check It Out: Miss Buntwell is a chain-smoker. Blah!
What Have We Learned Here, Children?:
1.) Read your contracts
2.) Never trust any place that advertises the “Dancing Smoothies”.
3.) Don’t object so much, you’ll live longer.
Quotes:
Episode #27: Monkee Mother
Plot: Late with their rent, Mr. Babbit evicts the Monkees. Instead of being thrown out into the street, the new tenant, a middle-aged woman, takes them on as borders. The guys spend the episode trying to get her married off.
Note: Rose Marie, the woman who plays Millie was a famous for her role on "The Dick Van Dyke Show".
Micky wrote a song called “RoseMarie”.
Check It Out: The “Sometime In the Morning” dance scene. Sometimes I think it’s corny, other times, sweet.
Oh, and the face Peter makes when he says “Heartburn, she’s up to heartburn.”
What Did We Learn Here, Children?:
1.) Talking all the time about other people’s problems is very boring.
2.) Blondes don’t care.
3.) It is possible to be married off in a week.
Quotes:
- “Who made this filth? Was it you?”-Millie
“What is today?”-Micky
“Monday”-Mike
“It was Peter. Peter puts the filth down on Monday.”-Micky
- “Food should not be eaten with the fingers.”-Millie
“The fingers should be eaten separately-Mike
“Don’t be a Mr. Mouth.”-Millie
- “My arms, my arms, I can’t move my arms.”-Micky
“I can’t move your arms either.”-Mike
- “Davy, Clarise is English, and she’s not married yet.”-Millie
“It’s only 3’o clock in the afternoon, she’s still got time.”-Davy
- “Do you really know Rex Harrison?”-Clarise
“No.”-Davy
“Actually, I don’t care.”-Clarise
“I’m no good for you, you know.”-Davy
“I don’t care.”-Clarise
“Terrible temper”-Davy
“I don’t care.”-Clarise
“I wander.”-Davy
“I don’t care.”-Clarise
“Cruel too.”-Davy
“I don’t care.”-Clarise
“I love you Clarise!”-Davy
“I don’t care.”-Clarise
“Thing about blondes, they sure don’t care.”-Mike
“No, not Clarise.”-Micky and Peter
- “Heartburn. She’s up to heartburn.”-Peter
- “Guys! Guys! Look! Wake up! We made it! It’s love! It’s love! Look it! Look it!”-Peter
Episode #28: Monkees On the Line
Plot: The Monkees are left in charge of an answering service.
Check It Out: Davy must have ESP. He knew the name of the answering service lady, Mrs. Draydel, and she never even introduced herself.
Oh, and the same lady reappears in “Monkees a La Carte” as Big Flora.
What Have We Learned Here, Children?:
1.) Be careful when playing with gavels.
2.) Don’t get involved with the clients.
3.) Save the California Condor!
Quotes:
- “Here ye, hear ye, hear ye, and everything else that goes with it.”-Mike
- “I don’t wanna be a murderer!!”-Peter
- “In there, she’s in there!”-Mike
“She must be awful skinny”-Micky
- “It says here, ‘Call Zelda baby, love, love, love. Urgent.’”-Davy
- “We don’t want any condors flying in here.”-Mike
“What are they?”-Ellen
“Well, it’s the California State bird. You know (flaps arms) whoohoo blaaaahhh.”-Mike
- “Now, let’s talk turkey.”-Bad Guy
“Gobble, gobble, gobble.”-Micky, Peter and Davy
- “Promise me one thing.”-Mike
“Anything, as long as it hurts.”-Ellen
- “Well, through my clever manipulation of her heart strings, and my (sniff) masculinity, and my persuasiveness, she—“-Mike
“Jumped out the window.”-Davy
“No, she promised she wouldn’t do anything until tomorrow.”-Mike
“Then she jumps out the window.”-Peter
- “Behind every dark cloud, there’s usually rain.”-Mike
Episode #30: Monkees In Manhattan
Plot: The guys travel all the way to Manhattan after receiving word that they are to star in Mr. Baker’s new production. Until Mr. Baker’s backer backs out…
Check It Out: Isn’t that a cool toy Davy carries around with him at the Millionaire’s club? I want one!
The look Mike gives Peter when Peter walks through Mike’s interview at the end of the show.
What Have We Learned Here, Children?:
1.) We need a new appreciation for garage doors.
2.) A man who can’t open bottles can’t do anything right!
3.) Glasses without lenses are very stylish.
Quotes:
- “I wanna know if he’s really sick, or is it merely sham?”-Hotel Manager
“Of course he’s sick. He had sham when he was twelve years old.”-Micky
- “You know, e-flat never was my color.”-Mike
- “This is H.L. Nesmith. He owns a small spread in southern Texas. What’s the name of the ranch again Mr. Nesmith?”
“Uh, Houston-Mike
- “Are you sure you’re comfortable?”-Rich Guy
“Comfortable? I’m very rich!”-Davy
- “You see, I consider the theatre immoral-Micky
“Really?”-Rich Guy
“Yes, and so do all of my wives.”-Micky
- “You’ve reached a certain amount of success. If that was suddenly taken away, wiped out, where would you be today?”-Bob
“I’d go back to the Village and be a folk singer.”-Peter
“I’d go back to the Village and watch him be a folk singer.”-Davy
“I’d probably go burn the Village.”-Mike
- “Peter, is there something that you really want? Something that you’d really flip out over?”-Bob
“Yes.”-Peter
“What?”-Bob
“Texas.”-Peter
“Davy?”-Bob
“Ursula Andress!”-Davy (followed by cheeky grin)
- “I think we oughta go on a national Monkee love something ugly this week.”-Mike
“You’d better watch out for these guys.”-Davy
“You are not, I’m uglier than you!”-Mike
“You are not, I’m the ugliest!”-Davy
“I’m the ugliest! It’s me! It’s me. It’s me.”-Mike
“Alright, I loose!”-Micky
- “Why do I want a house? To keep the wind off me…Well, when it rains, you get wet if you live in a parking lot. ”-Mike
Episode #31: Monkees At the Movies
Plot: The guys get a job as extras on teen beach movie.
Check It Out: The shirts Mr. Kramm wears. I swear I’ve seen them on the Monkees before. Namely Davy and Peter.
If you read the inscription on the two director’s chairs on the beach, they say “Mr. Kramm” and “Yes Mr. Kramm” LOL!
What Have We Learned Here, Children?:
1.) In 1967 it cost eighty cents to go to the movies.
2.) When in a vengeful situation, quote Shakespeare.
3.) If you dance too hard, you could disappear.
Quotes:
- “Here we are in the land of make-believe. Look at that rock, it’s a phony rock. Look at that fish, it’s a phony fish. Look at that girl…oh yeah.”-Micky
- “No longer shall we suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Catalina. On the morrow we will show that popinjay he doth abuse the Monkees at his own peril.”-Micky
- “Well, Davy, you drew the short straw.”-Mike
“Story of my life.”-Davy
- “A teenage failure! He’s made so many B pictures, he’s getting fan-mail from hornets!”-Micky
- “It’s Davy Jones singing, ‘These Boots Were Made for Kicking’!”-Micky
- “It’s Davy Jones singing, “It’s Been Lonesome In My Saddle Since My Horse Died’!”-Micky
- “I used to know him!”-Peter
- “You know what I’ve always wanted to do? Is like get a Rolls Royce with little bitty tires on the front and big slicks on the back and put a pick up head in the trunk and old paint, you know? And stuff like that. Take the hood off of it, paint a name on the back of it.”-Mike
“And drive where?”-Bob
“Drive no place. Drive out on the freeway and give it a flat tire and stand there and scratch your head.”-Mike
Episode #41: The Card-Carrying Red Shoes
Plot:A Russian ballet dancer falls in love with Peter’s face. The result? Peter gets kidnapped, Davy repeatedly gets his hat knocked off, and Micky ends up dancing around in a chicken suit.
Note: Mike does not appear in this episode until the end when they show the guys singing an early version of “She Hangs Out”, most likely recorded beforehand.
Check It Out: The “guns never solve anything” scene. Hilarious!
What Did We Learn Here, Children?:
1.)Never fall in love with someone because of his or her face. (Even if it is Peter’s)
2.) Guns don’t kill people, Micky does.
3.) Chickens have feelings too.
Quotes:
- “Well, it can’t be you ever week, Davy.”-Peter
- “Now look miss, guns really never solve anything. They’re not the solution to the
problem. They’re only a coward’s way out. Wouldn’t you rather talk—talk it out instead of hiding behind a gun? Now, why don’t you give it to me?”-Micky
(Natasha dejectedly hands gun to Micky)
“Alright! Hands up! You’re takin’ orders from me!”-Micky
(Davy starts crying.)
“Not you ding-a-ling!”-Micky
“You can’t do this Micky!”-Peter
“Shut-up Face! You’re gonna walk down Primrose Lane with a bush, well Jones and I are gonna walk the last mile! The road of no return!! The last goodbye!!!”-Micky
“Yea! Yea! The Primrose…and the Lane!!…and the…What is all that Primrose stuff?”-Davy
“I have no idea. Not bad for a long haired weirdo, huh, America?”-Micky
- “Now see what you’ve been and gone ‘n done.”-Davy
- “Natasha, it’s me, the Face.”-Peter
- “Oh Face, Face, the arrow of love burns deep in my heart!”-Natasha
“I’ll get you a bicarbonate soda!”-Peter
- “Risks? You talk about risks when my Petrov’s life is in danger?”-Natasha
- “Are you from the MPVD?”-Ambassador
“No, we’re from the BVD.”-Davy
“I have not heard of the BVD.”-Ambassador
“Well, we investigate the MKVBD ‘cause we’re an undercover organization that undercovers the eh..”-Davy
“We cover the unders and when we’re under the covers the BVD is known as the under were.”-Micky
- “Brainwash? If you’re gonna brainwash me, you better use a good detergent. New Rebersoben spray detergent doesn’t fade, bleach or shrink your brain.”-Peter
- “I don’t wanna be a chicken. I don’t wanna be a chicken. I don’t wanna be a chicken. Ward, I don’t wanna be a chicken…I’m a chicken. I’m a chicken.”-Micky
- “You will dance Chicken Lake like it has never been danced before!”-Ballet guy
“Bawk! Bawk!”-Micky
Episode #43: A Coffin Too Frequent
Plot: The guys realize that their lease includes a raising of the dead at midnight.
Check It Out: This has to be the shortest I’ve seen Davy’s hair. That mean guy, Henry (who showed up as “Ronnie” in “One Man Shy”) has a thing for chewing on cloth. He does it in “One Man Shy Too”.
What Have We Learned Here, Children?:
1.) Read the fine print on leases.
2.) Mike can “ruint” 60 years of service.
3.) Don’t drink too much tea when you have a cold.
Quotes:
- “I didn’t know you could read.”-Davy
“I’ve been able to read since I was fifteen years old.”-Peter
- “Sixty years of service, ruint, but I won’t take the blame alone! The real brains behind the crime was the witness! Dashing, debonair, Mike Nesmith.”-Peter
- “You tell ‘em tiny!”-Mike
- “Bye little old lady.”-Mike
Episode #42: The Wild Monkees
Plot: The guys get conned into being servants at an out of the way hotel to a group of female bikers.
Note:
What Have We Learned Here, Children?:
1.) Appearances can be deceiving
2.) Laying eggs makes you special
3.) It’s an honor to be considered a chicken.
Quotes:
Episode #47: The Christmas Show
Plot: The Monkees unknowingly accept a job babysitting a young boy over the Christmas holiday. The boy is a really uptight, so the guys try to show him the meaning of Christmas.
Note: The boy who plays Melvin is the same boy who plays Eddie Munster on “The Munsters”
Check it Out: The “Riu Chiu” performance. Classic. Notice how Peter smiles at all the guys while Micky is singing, but Davy is the only one who smiles back.
What Did We Learn Here Children?:
1.) Some kids can be real brats. Especially rich ones.
2.) Four hundred dollars doesn’t go very far.
3.) Pine needles are tasty!
Quotes:
- “Well, I thought if it were extra long, it could save money on the pants.”-Peter
- “Oh! Oh, Mike. That hurt! He got me in the kidneys.”-Davy
- “He’s just a little kid right?”-Micky
“Yea, a kid.”-Davy
“We’ll use child psychology.”-Micky
“Should I go an’ beat ‘em up?”-Davy
“Right.”-Micky
- “Well, with thirty dollars left in the kitty, it’s better not to give that much.”-Mike
- “It’s very sad.”-Peter
“Don’t cry.”-Mike
“No, I won’t.”-Peter
Episode #51: The Monkees Paw
Plot: Micky buys a cursed monkey’s paw and ends up loosing his voice.
Check It Out: The club owner played the lawyer in “The Picture Frame”.
What Have We Learned Here, Children?:
1.) Old guys get annoyed with young, fun guys. (see ending blooper)
2.) Use your wishes carefully.
3.) 142% is a great interest rate on a loan!
Quotes:
- “I came all this way to find the High Lama. Where is he?”-Micky
“Oh, well, I’m afraid you’re outta luck, he’s out back sleepin’ it off.”-Mike
- “I walked for 10,000 miles through burning dands and seserts…uh, sands and deserts.”-Micky
- “But, after much persuasion, the Regular Lama broke down and decided to give me the monkey’s paw.”-Mandrake
“After much persuasion, I the Regular Lama, will break down and give you this. It is a monkey’s paw.”-Mike
- “He’s doing his thing there. That’s pretty heavy stuff he’s laying down there.”-Davy
- “Go toe go! Sock it to me, baby! That’s a pun. Heheh.”-Davy
- “Yea, and how ‘bout Flat Foot Floogie With a Floy Floy.”-Peter
- “There’s nothing wrong with your voice.”-Mike
“Are you kidding? Have you ever heard him sing?”-Peter
- “We’ve got no voice, no job, and no rent.”-Davy
“Yeah, and the good times can’t last forever.”-Peter
- “Now crayon I can say!”-Micky
- “I think it’s a mental problem.”-Mike
“You can say that again.”-Peter
- “It’s a BUNNYANDACHICKEN!!!!!”-Psychitrist
- “Say the magic word, you get 100 dollars. Don’t say the magic word, you get 200 dollars. Give me 300 dollars and I’ll tell you the magic word.”-Mike
- “Monkey’s paw, monkey’s paw…monkey’s. You know, I can’t find it anywhere!”-Davy
“I think you spell monkey with a ‘y’.”-Mendrick’s Daughter
- “Don’t hit me with a stick, please.”-Davy
-
Episode #56: Some Like It Lukewarm
Plot: In order to win a band contest for “mixed groups only”, Davy must dress up like a girl so the Monkees can enter.
Note: Charlie Smalls, the man Davy interviews at the end of the show, wrote the musical, “The Wiz”.
Check it Out: The “Door Into Summer” performance. Davy (Miss Jones) jumps like Peter or somebody touched him on the backside. Also, the symbols on his tambourine begin to fall off until the whole thing falls apart at the end.
What Have We Learned Here, Children?:
1.) Be suspicious of everyone
2.) To distinguish between your boots, call them “He” and “She”.
3.) Ringo Starr has soul.
Quotes:
- “Well who needs it??!!”-Micky
- “Hi there honey! What you doin’ for dinner?”-Janitor hitting on “Miss Jones”.
- “After all what is a woman but a rag, a bone, and a hank ‘a hair?”-Micky
- “So, how do I look?”-Davy
“Kinda like a raggy, hairy bone.”-Micky
- “Lesson two: When a feminine female walks from North to South, her hips must move from East to West. A small, loud bell in each direction should help to teach this technique.”-Peter
- “Here he is—she is, our Miss Jones.”-Peter
- “Hey Davy man, come on, we’re going out to dinner. Why don’t you grab your purse and let’s go.”-Peter
- “Hey fellas, where’ve you been?”-Davy
“It was the ah…”-Micky
“Some Little Out of the Way Place that Nobody Ever Goes?”-Davy
“Yea, the ah, Southside branch.”-Micky
- “I look very much like my uncle. His picture is in post offices all over the country!”-Davy
- “Well, that’s what happens when you get dressed in the dark!”-Davy
Tippy's Share of the Sidewalk!