//denotes lyrics//
'denotes thoughts'
//I didn’t come this far
For you to make this hard for me//
Can the perfect soldier have a soul? Can anyone who takes pride in the art of battle truly have one? I have never seen the glory in bloodshed; the act of taking someone’s life into your own hands has caused many sleepless nights for me. I have to face the fact that wars still continue despite my efforts everyday. But I still hold the hope for claiming his soul for my own someday, maybe causing the dissipation of his longing to fight.
I spy him from my perch as he wades through the crowd of students. He does a good job of fitting in, especially while wearing the same uniform. Matching everyone else, he can hide within plain sight.
“Heero,” I call, patiently waiting for him to acknowledge my presence. I count the seconds as they tick by slower then usual. He doesn’t turn to face me, but continues on his original course.
The organ, previously known as my heart, falls into the murky depths of despair. He didn’t flinch when I called to him; he made no sign that he even knew his own name. After all this time he still chooses to ignore me. I have traveled over oceans, continents, and the depths of space to find him, but he can’t be bothered with me. Why does he cause me such pain? Does he not notice how much I have tried to get his attention?
//And now you want to ask me how.
It’s like how does your heart beat,
Why do you breathe?
How does your heart beat,
Why do you breathe?//
“How did you find me?” He questions without sparing me a simple glance.
“I found you, that’s all that matters.”
“Go away.”
I find myself gasping for my breath, my feet refusing my pleading efforts to continue moving. All the hopes that I held for our reunion, shattered by those two words. ‘Move damn you!’ If my heart could stop at this moment I would have never noticed for all I could feel in the pain radiating from the wound in my chest. I wish he had killed me for the emotional pain I feel now is much worse than the physical pain would be.
To live without him is like a fish living without the sea. But now I stand here glued to the ground, watching his back as it drifts further into the ocean of people. How? How can someone with no heart live?
//Why did you come here?
You weren’t invited//
Somehow she had found me. I always make myself as scarce as possible, but she has followed me anyways. I always wonder why she tries so hard. I show her no affection, but every time I turn around she’s there showcasing her heart to me.
‘Relena, why did you come here? Is it not enough that I protect your ideal future?’
No, it wasn’t enough.
It was never enough for her. She
wanted everything that she could attain and those things that lingered just
beyond her grasp. Why she can never give up once she’s set her sight on a
prize will baffle man for ages to come.
//You were on the outside
Stay on the outside//
We always were from two different worlds. I was born a fighter, a killer. She was bred for political ascension. I do not believe that destiny chose for us to meet. I do not believe that there is a force shaping our lives, I choose my own life. In my perfect life, I do not see the vice foreign minister but only blood, death, and loneliness. This is what I would choose more than anything else in this world.
She believes that our meeting on the beach was fated, that
we were drawn together. I can’t
remember a time when I heard anything more preposterous.
The only thing I can say that has been destined is our incompatibility.
//And now you want to ask me why
It’s like how does your heart beat,
How do you cry?
How does your heart beat?//
So now I find myself running away from her again. I’ve lost count of the times that I’ve left her staring at my shadow. I feel her eyes burning holes through my back, brimming with unshed tears. I know she believes that she feels something for me. I feel nothing; I have no heart, no soul. I am just a vessel put in this universe to rid it of the evil that attaches itself to everything that is pure.
Her eyes are burning me at this moment. I can’t tell if she is still standing where she was a moment ago when I told her to leave, but I refuse to look back to find her location. Turning would be a sign of weakness and a soldier must be stronger then his enemies, even the 15 year old, female enemies.
Why is she an enemy you might ask? The reason being simply that she holds all my prior teachings in jeopardy. Everything that I was taught to believe is disproved by who this girl is and what she does. I cannot let that happen.
//And there are some things
That I’d like to figure out//
Why can’t I understand this boy? I can study a text and understand it within hours, but I can’t understand another human being. It frightens me that I can’t find what makes him tick. My father told me that it was important to be able to identify what other people are feeling. I wish I could follow my father’s advice at this point in time. But I find it impossible to read the facial expressions of the stone cold figure still moving away from me. What truly goes on behind those icy blue eyes? ‘Father, please help me find the motivation that Heero has for living. Help me figure out what makes this boy live from day to day. Unless that something that makes him carry on is the drive for battle, I don’t think I could live knowing that fact.’
He doesn’t know what it’s like for me. To be so infatuated with him knowing exactly what he does. Piloting and killing. I stand here behind my title spouting off political jargon hoping that this will all end soon, that there will no longer be a need for fighting. But my words can only go so far.
I can’t see where he is anymore. I stand here staring at the empty hole next to me where he stood just minutes prior. If I could make my feet move, I would have followed him. But what for? To be ignored?
//Like you and your letters that go on
forever
And you and the people that were never
friends
Never friends//
I don’t know why I was sticking around today.
She had warned me with an email about her arrival.
I should have just left and not even bothered to see her.
Is it possible that I /wanted/ to see her?
No, that’s not possible. I
am the perfect soldier; nothing causes me to second-guess myself.
I live for my missions, that is all.
My life is for killing in order to create peace.
My hands are stained with blood in order for others to not feel the pain
I do. To never feel what it is to
mercilessly destroy everything that comes against you.
Fathers, sons, brothers, daughters, sisters…all killed in the name of
peace. The hundreds of nameless people I have murdered.
//With al
I know that he could do whatever he really wants to do. There’s no doubt that his potential is quite above average. Yet I feel compelled to ask why his choice was the path of destruction. How can someone choose to fight in order to live?
//Never could learn how to be me//
She tries to understand me, but there’s nothing to understand. I am just an empty shell of a human. The only thing I live for is the battlefield in all its glory.
I finally arrive at my destination. It seems my legs have a mind of their own sometimes. They carried me to the only thing that understands me, because it was built for the same reason I live. Leaning on the gundanium, I stare out at the world passing by. Normal people. People who could never understand what I do. All I can do is stare at the sky and wait for the next mission to come rolling along my way. Then I will get into the cockpit that has become my home and serve my purpose.
//And now you want to ask me how
How does your heart beat,
Why do you breathe?
How does your heart beat.
Why do you breathe?//