Part 16

//I once heard an old beggar man calling out for some change.  Dirty and cold he sat there all afternoon looking for handouts from any well-to-do person passing by.  Pathetically professing all his grievous woes to anyone within hearing distance.  The cries of help still haunt the streets.  Later that evening I watched that old man make the trek back home.  Even though he sat on that corner all day, it did nothing to improve his life.//

During my last hour of classes, the conversation between Lucrezia and I, replays through my mind in a never-ending loop.  She is like me, running away from something.  I may never know what it is, but at least I know that I’m not alone in this miserable world.

When at last the lecture is done I throw my books in my bag and take off with a wave to Jeremy.  By the time I reach the mobile suit hanger I am out of breath, but I soon regain it as I look above to the scaffolding creating an intricate maze around the suits.

I maneuver around the hanger, intently listening for any evidence that will help me find Trieze.  The sound of a tool being placed on a cart leads me straight to him.  He is alert to my presence before I get within twenty feet of him.

“You can put your stuff down over there and then you can help me with this.”  He says without diverting his attention from the task he’s performing.  I comply without a word and take up my position by his side.  “I am just adjusting a piloting program.  I believe that it will put the pilots strengths to the forefront, but I don’t know if it will work.””  He finishes the computer work and finally turns to me.  “The mask seems to suit you well.  Mind if I ask you why you acquired it?”

“I do mind.” 

“What you don’t know is that I already know what you are thinking.”  He circles me as he remarks, I find myself unable to move under his piercing glare.  Only able to stand ridged and stare straight ahead, I listen.  “You didn’t like who you were before.  Each time you looked in the mirror the face you saw staring back at you repulsed you.  Denying who you are is the only way you can get the vile feeling out of your throat.  Therefore you hid who you were and now you hide your face.  The question is, who is the real Zechs Merquise?  Is it some child playing a make believe game?  One who still believes that he can change the world?  Or is it a person who has been hardened by life, struggling to change only himself…to deny his own destiny?”

I wait. 

“You don’t know you’re place in life, therefore you keep to yourself.  You have always hid your true side hoping that one day you’d be able to capture that long awaited goal of becoming someone who is not you.  But if you are not you, then you are this made up you?  A person who you are not.  Now Zechs is this person that you want to become.  Real or made up he is your ultimate goal.  I don’t doubt that you will do everything in your power to become him.  But first, you must know who he is to be.  Tell me, who is Zechs Merquise?”

“Zechs Merquise is a soldier, perfect in every aspect.  He fights for what he believes in without a thought as to himself.  He is not an individual, within the network of life he is a cog in the well-oiled machine that keeps the changing world running smoothly.”

“You need more then that, a skeleton does not make the man.  The muscles and flesh add to the skeleton, but they still aren’t enough.  The thoughts of a man…that is what makes them.  If you want to become Zechs Merquise, you have to first decide who he is and how he will live.  Only then can he truly exist.  You’re lesson for the day is over.  Think about what I said and return at the same time tomorrow with some answers.”

“Yes.”  I leave feeling dejected.  I had never expected that my first lesson with Trieze would turn out so poorly.  But it was true.  I had wanted to become Zechs badly much that I hadn’t even taken the time to think about who Zechs really is.  I know exactly who Milliardo was.  I shake the thought from my head as quickly as it had come crashing into my brain in the first place.  That boy died a long time ago.  He is nothing more then a lost soul.

I am so completely lost in my reverie that I don’t even notice the person who has come up to walk along side me.  Startled by the presence, I stop and stare into those deep black eyes.  “I didn’t even notice you coming up.”

“I wasn’t trying to be noticed.  You looked so deep in thought that I couldn’t bring myself to actually bothering you.”

“You have my attention now.  Is there something that you wanted?”

“I was thinking about what you asked me earlier.  I was wondering if we could try and see if it is possible to form a friendship without knowing everything about the other person.  I’m content in the fact that you don’t want to talk about what happened to you.  If you can live with the same from me then we can see what might happen.”

“Did you follow me earlier to say this?”

“No!”  She clearly looks upset, as though I had accused her of some horrible crime.  “I was just walking by and you happened to walk out of the hanger so I just figured that now would be as good a time as any.”

“I didn’t mean for you to get so defensive.  But I do agree with you, and if it doesn’t work, then maybe we should forget about the whole thing.”  I once again find myself staring into those bottomless pools.  They show me more then I can comprehend, more emotion then my darken mind could distinguish.  So plain to see, yet so unreadable.  “Lucrezia…”

“Call me Lu, I much prefer it.”

“Lu, I…”

“Yo!  Zechs!”  Jeremy couldn’t have picked a more perfect moment to make an entrance then right then.  I grind my teeth together in frustration.  I would have been angrier with him, except for that lopsided grin he is giving me.  “Did you miss me?”

“I will see you everyday for the rest of the school year.”

“Well that isn’t comforting, having to wake up to look at your metal head isn’t exactly going to make my year.”

“Excuse my Lu, I have a roommate to attend to.”  I state through clenched teeth.  She nods to me as I take off chasing Jeremy around campus.  I finally catch up to him near the dorms and I quickly tackle him to the ground and pull his arm up behind his back.

“Uncle, uncle!  I give up already, would ya let go?”  I let go of his arm and watch him as he sits up rubbing his wrist.  “Damn, you don’t look that strong.  But Trieze would say that unhidden strength is a necessity in a soldier.  How’d that lesson go by the way?”

“I’d rather not talk about it.”

“There you go again!  I can’t believe you sometimes.  I mean seriously, all you do is go around getting all this good info just runnin around inside your head and you can’t even share it with me.  If you’re ever going to have any friends around here you’re going to have to open up that head of yours a bit more often.  It’s actually kinda scary not knowing what you’re thinking.”

“Wouldn’t that make me a better soldier?”

“Well, yeah.  But it makes you one tight assed roommate.”