"Everyone is so flammable!"
"What do you mean, they're similar? Gods and dogs are nothing alike. Dogs are furry, little creatures that live from 10-14 years, gods are omnipotent and immortal."
"I'm nutty bunny number two I love me and I love you!"
"Jokes, what do people see in them?"
"I think someone has stolen my body and replaced it with a forgery"
"Well, as you can guess, it was a pretty good pitch. He said that if a guy was living his life right, he should be going through plungers like toothpicks. He said that my plungers would be witnesses to all the events in my life, the good and the bad, the marriages, the birthdays, the divorces, the renewals. "
"Hey! You know what you are? You're a yuppie! That's right! I just made that word up. It's my word! And I'm crushing your head, yuppie. Squish squish. Where do you idiots come from to get your heads so terribly crushed?"
"And there they go - like sheep to the moon."
"An empty desk is a sad desk."
"God, you must be thirsty. Can I get you a beer or would you like to just drink out of the toilet?"
"Drunk at a wedding. Ask him to dance. Get him out on the dance floor and then Pow! I love you daddy."
"Okay, ummm... I don't know if you know how hard it is for me to leave this job. It's seems sometimes that all my life has been one big "temp". I mean I was raised on a house boat, now I live in a sub-let, seeing a married man, and my dad's on a respirator..."
"There was a moon like that on the summer of my sixteenth year. Some say I was sixteen but I don't know."
"Wait wait, I almost forgot. I want to send you an artist's rendering of me satisfying women of all types. Where should I send that? Should I send that here? Or to your office?"
"Kid, remember: The snooze button? It's your friend *and* your enemy."
" I--don't we all look into the inky abyss of our souls sometimes and don't you find the roar of the loneliness you find there deafening, man, just deafening?"
"Well, that's pretty ironic, I think, considering my heartfelt opposition to child molesters and their craft. I think that's ironic...does anyone else...see... "
"What's with me? I can't even flirt!"
"Hey, I'm a temp. I can quit at lunch."
"Uh, now I suppose if I had friends, uhhhhh but I don't, uh they would have said something like, "Hey George! You should go to a hospital, or see a doctor; that looks pretty serious." Uh but, I don't have any friends."
"Joseph and I like to talk about the value of names, or the size of buildings in the distance. We have such fun."
"Two stops after I got on these two unbelievably short people got on. and by the way they were looking at me I could tell- they wanted to bite my ankles."
"Asking, asking, asking - always multitasking. You're just like the studio. That caveman is the one thing I fought for. Watch the film."
"You're almost too big to love!"
"What? No one wants my boquet? Somebody better pick up that boquet!"
"Yes it's a problem, I've got a symbol of hate on my stomach!"
"Alright, it's me - I'm the one guy who doesn't like you."
"Why I ought to sell your eyes to my sister!"
"Gentlemen, I'm afaide your gazebo has been involved in a homocide"
In interviews/TV Appearences:
"Canadians are funny because they are a small, small people."
"Oh look, here's a yellow envolope. Yellow is the colour of lemons."
On the tour
"That makes absolutely no sense! - Tell me more!"