1) Terry Labonte gets a call from Jeff Gordon. "I've got a problem," says Jeffy. "What's the matter?" asks Terry. "Well, I was snooping through the free promotional stuff in your Garage and I found this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges." "What's the picture of?" asks Terry. "It's of a big rooster," replies Jeff. "All right," says Terry, "I'll come over and have a look." So he goes over to Jeff's house and Jeff says, "Thanks for coming over." Jeff leads Terry into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table. Terry looks at the jigsaw & then turns to Jeff and says, "For God's sake - put the Cornflakes back in the box!"
2) Q: Give an Example of Gross Ignorance. A: 144 Gordon Fans
3)Jeff Gordon's car breaks down on the Interstate, so the 'Golden Boy' eases over onto the shoulder. He carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two of his pit crew members in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers while another two get out of the back seat and begin checking the car. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward Jeff's disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?" "My car broke down," says the Rainbow Warrior, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop. "These are my emergency flashers!" replied the Wonder Boy!
4) Rickey Craven and Jeff Gordon go on vacation to Africa and get lost from their families and tour group. Jeff is keeping Rickey company by recanting each of his wins in full detail when they come upon a tribe of cannibals. They capture the 2 racing icons and tell them that they can have only one request before they die. They ask Jeff and he says that he would like to watch a tape of his win in the first Nascar Indy race. Then he begins to recant the story behind qualifying and testing for Indy when they ask Rickey what his request will be. Rickey thought about hearing one more 'Gordo story' and just said "Eat me first".
5) Jeff Gordon was driving down the road when a Monkey fell off a truck ahead of him. The Rainbow Warrior stopped and put the pig in his car. A few minutes later he was stopped by a police officer. When the officer approached the man said, "This monkey fell off a truck. What should I do with him?" The officer replied, "Why don't you take him to the zoo." "That's a great idea!" replied The Boy Wonder and he and the monkey were off. The next day the officer once again saw Jeff Gordon driving with the monkey in his car. The officer stopped the car and said, "I thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo!" "You did," replied Gordo. "In fact, we had such a good time at the zoo yesterday that we decided to go to the beach today."
6) Jeff Gordon is speaking to his psychiatrist. Jeff: "I'm on the road a lot, and my sponsors and family are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Jeff: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car. Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?" Jeff: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?" Jeff: "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
7) Three race fans are going to the exhibition race in Mexico, when they are mistakenly arrested and are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the Mark Martin Fan and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the Martin Fan runs away. Next, they place the Dale Jarrett Fan in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the Dale Jarrett Fan escapes. Next up is the Gordon Fan. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"
8)Jeff Gordon gets on an airplane to Los Angeles and sits in first class. The stewardess looks at his ticket and politely asks him to move to coach. The Rainbow Warrior replies, "No, I'm the best Nascar Driver and I don't have to move." Another stewardess comes along and tells him he must move. Again he replies, "No, I'm the best Nascar driver and I won't move." One of the stewardesses goes and gets the captain. After trying to reason with the Boy Wonder (a doomed maneuver from the outset), he leans down and whispers in his ear. Gordo gets up quietly and moves back to the cheap seats. The stewardesses are amazed. "What did you say to him?" they asked. The captain replies, "I told himn that first class doesn't go to Los Angeles."
9) Jeff Gordon was walking down a forest path one beautiful Sunday afternoon, on his way home after winning yet another Nascar event. Lost in pleasant thoughts of how pleased God must have been with his powerful message and touching oration in his victory speech, he failed to note the hungry bear sneaking upon him through the bushes until it was too late. The Rainbow Warrior heard a rumbling growl, turned in surprise, and looked the bear straight in the eyes! Terrified, he began to run as fast as his legs would carry him! He ran and ran until he thought his legs would collapse, thinking surely he would be able to out-run the bear, but when he dared to look around, he saw the bear only two steps behind. "Oh, please God!" he prayed sincerely, "I delivered my finest Victory speech and Nascar win ever in your name this morning. I must have brought many souls to your gates of heavenly salvation. Surely you'll help me get away from this bear!" And on he ran, more quickly than before, confident that the Lord would help him out-distance the bear. Soon his breath was rasping in and out of his lungs, and his legs were trembling uncontrollably with his mighty effort. He slowed a bit and glanced behind him; the bear was now only one step behind. "Please, Lord!" he prayed fervently, "I know you can't mean for this bear to kill me! Please, please, please let me get away from this bear!" And on he ran, pushing himself to the edge of his strength and endurance, positive that the good Lord would come to his rescue. But it was not to be. The Boy Wonder's heart was now pounding, his lungs felt like they were bursting, and his legs suddenly refused to hold him upright. He fell to he knees on the forest path, fearing his imminent death. "Oh please, God," he prayed frantically, "I can't run any more. I don't know why you wouldn't help me get away from this bear after I delivered such a wonderful speech this morning praising your help in my NASCAR win!, but can't you at least make this bear a good Christian bear? I don't want to die!" Not daring to hope that the Lord would actually answer this prayer, Brother Jeff bowed his head and waited for the inevitable. When the end did not come swiftly, he lifted his head in surprise, only to find to his stunned amazement that the bear was also kneeling on the path, paws folded, head bowed, praying, "I thank you, Lord, for this fine meal I am about to devour...."
10)What's a Gordon Fans favorite color? Caution Flag Yellow
11) Jeff Gordon is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy." "No," Gordo says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains The WonderBoy. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks The Rainbow Warrior, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying Geoff Bodine, Jimmy Spencer and Jeff Gordon were blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy." "Wonderful!" Gordon beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be a accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
12)One day, a Nascar fan was walking along the beach and came across an odd looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued. "What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every Gordon fan in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for." "Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. "What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every Gordon Fan in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?" "I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every Gordon Fan in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man. "And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."
13)What do Jeff Gordon's Fans use for Birth Control? Their personalities.
14)Jeff Gordon and Bill elliott are sitting in the Nascar main office waiting room watching the 6 o'clock news. Bill bets Jeff Gordon $500 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 60 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," Jeff replied. A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. Bill, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the rainbow warrior and tells him that he does not need to pay the $500. "No, a bet's a bet," Jeff replies, "I owe you 500 dollars." Bill, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out." "That's okay," the WonderBoy replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
15)One day a Dale Jarrett fan happened by a group of Jeff Gordon fans who were clapping, cheering, and raising quite a fuss. When the Jarrett fan asked what all the excitement was about, a Gordon fan said, "We just finished this puzzle in 60 days!" "60 days!" the #88 fan exclaimed. "That must have been some puzzle!" "You bet it was," said the #24 fan. "On the box it says 2 to 4 years!"
16)Jeff Gordon and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither are hurt. They crawl out of their cars and 'The Boy Wonder' sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm Jeff Gordon - the 'Nascar Evangelist'. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God." God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." And the priest said, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God. And Jeff Gordon said, "and look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Blue Nun wine didn't break, surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. The Priest agrees comepletely, so Jeff opened the bottle took 3 big drinks and then handed the bottle to the priest. The priest said he agreed and took the bottle, didn't drink at all, put the cap on, and handed it back to The Rainbow Warrior. Jeff asked, "Aren't you going to have any?" The priest replied, "No....I think I'll just wait for the police..
17)Albert Einstein decides to take a tour of heaven and check out the new inductees. So he begins his walk and he sees a man playing the piano and he spends some time talking with him about Bach, Beethoven and Various other forms of Instrumental Music. He then sees a man building a house and spends some time talking about architecture and designs. He continues his walk and he sees a man who is beating a bag of raw chicken parts over his head, peeing rampantly and rubbing feces all over himself, So Einstein walks over to him and says "How About That Jeff Gordon?"
That's all I have for now. You can e-mail me some more if you have them. I will post 'em here. Thanks.
