Funny Stuff

THEY DANCE FOR YOU!
TRUE FRIEND
MEN ARE LIKE...
STUPID PEOPLE
FOR A GOOD TIME...
GEORGE CARLIN'S BAD AMERICAN
A COLLEGE STUDENT'S SCHEDULE
ANSWERS ABOUT MEN!
EXPLANATION FOR THE CORPORATE WORLD
AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT'S ODE TO AMERICA
GIRL'S PRAYER VS. BOY'S PRAYER
BREASTS
EASING HOLIDAY SHOPPING
THE THINGS KIDS SAY
ANOTHER WOMAN AVOIDS A TICKET
NAUGHTY NAUGHTY KERMIT!
TAKE THAT, BARBIE!!!
THE TRUTH ABOUT MEN
BLONDES ARE SOOOO BRILLIANT...
FORBIDDEN ROMANCE
BATHTIME FOR KITTY
WHY BEANS ARE BAD
RATED R FOR RAUNCH...

THEY DANCE FOR YOU!!!

http://www.gamedesigner.net/news.phtml?id=41

A TRUE FRIEND

Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship!

1. When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused, I will use little words to explain.

7. When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!

Send this to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway. Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.

MEN ARE LIKE. . .

~ Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

~ Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they don't generate a lot of interest.

~ Blenders, you need one, but you're not quite sure why.

~ Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

~ Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

~ Commercials, you can't believe a word they say.

~ Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

~ Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

~ Copiers, you need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

~ Curling Irons, hot and in your hair.

~ Cement, after getting laid they take a long time to get hard.

~ Government Bonds, they take a looooong time to mature.

~ Parking Spots, the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

~ Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

~ Snow Storms, you never know when they are coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they will last.

~ Bank Machines, once they withdraw they lose interest.

~ Bananas, the older they get, the less firm they are.

~ Newborn babies, they're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.

~ Laxatives, they irritate the shit out of you.

STUPID PEOPLE

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind didn't see your sign".

For example, the day my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine. We pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning... okay, no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign... until he asked "So... is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a coworker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.

GEORGE CARLIN, "I AM A BAD AMERICAN"

I am a BAD AMERICAN. I am Your Worst Nightmare. I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it way to crack addicts squirting out babies. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English. I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where does he get his money & why is he always part of the problem, and not the solution? I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy tail through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it. I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, When I am freezing my butt through a long winter? I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're Running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years. I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again. I think Dr. Seuss was a genius. If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back!

Sincerely,

George Carlin

FOR A GOOD TIME . . .

For a good time, call (773)509-5096. Trust me on this. It's not like a sex hotline or anything. You'll see. Then pass it on to obnoxious people who ask for your "digits" in bars. :-)

A COLLEGE STUDENT'S SCHEDULE

www.chicagocircle.com/links/my_schedule.html

ANSWERS ABOUT MEN

Smilepop Answers about Men

ABOUT THE CORPORATE WORLD

Please read the following six statements and the amazing conclusion they lead to:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

The amazing conclusion:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. This may explain why women are taking over the corporate world.

AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT'S ODE TO AMERICA

I come for visit, get treated regal,
So I stay, who care I illegal?

I cross ocean, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash right to your door."

Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, American dummy.

Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them come as fast as they can.

They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks.

They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families they moving in,
But neighbor's patience wearing thin.

Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,

"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.

Send for family (they just trash),
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!

Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighborhood.

We have hobby--it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!

American crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.

We think America darn good place!
Too darn good for the white man race.

If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan.

GIRL'S PRAYER VS. BOY'S PRAYER

A GIRL'S PRAYER:
Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
One who pulls out my chair a! nd opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
Amen

A BOY'S PRAYER:
Lord, I pray for a nympho with big boobs who owns a liquor store..... and a boat.
Amen

BREASTS
A big reminder that will give you a tickle:
Finally, something other than smiley faces....

Perfect breasts (o)(o)

Fake silicone breasts ( + )( + )

Perky breasts (*)(*)

Big nipple breasts (@)(@)

A cups o o

D cups { O }{ O }

Wonder bra breasts (oYo)

Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )

Lopsided breasts (o)(O)

Pierced Breasts (Q)(Q)

Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)

Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o /

Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( )

Android Breasts | o | | o |

Martha Stewart's Breasts ($)($)

Happy Breasts (~)(~)

And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?" And God created man.

TO EASE HOLIDAY SHOPPING

It's the holiday shopping season which can be at once an enthralling and harrowing experience. Here are a few tips that will make this year's shop a little more pleasant:
1. Remember, Christmas this year begins Jan. 12 and lasts for three days.
2. If you are worried about spending too much money, lower your family's gift expectations by denouncing them in a stinging letter to the editor in their local community newspaper.
3. If that doesn't work, let everyone on your list know that this year, "The thought is really gonna count."
4. Feeling romantic? Nothing says "Christmas romance" like a MetroCard 1-Day Fun Pass.
5. Give your Dad a swell pink pair of ladies' socks. Tell him you were "going" to get him a car, but you noticed he "already had one." But what Dad, you say, owns a swell pink pair of ladies' socks?
6. At your Mom's house, find one of her old photo albums, wrap it up and give her that as a present. She'll probably figure out what you did after a while, but she'll love it all the same.
7. Don't give your pet the same old pet gift year in and year out. Try something different this year, like a handheld DVD player.
8. Present for the boss? No one ever went wrong giving the boss a loud, exotic bird.
9. Every year, it's good to tell at least one member of your family that they've been "too naughty" and "passed over" for a gift; it may make for an uncomfortable minute or two, but it keeps everyone on their toes for next year.
10. You can never give anyone too many pairs of handcuffs.

THE THINGS KIDS SAY

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

ANOTHER WOMAN DODGES A TICKET...

A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman:
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver's license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutchpurse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

NAUGHTY NAUGHTY KERMIE!!

www.funclown.com/kermit.htm