The man sighed as he turned off the TV.  It had been 2 weeks since he had seen them, and all the screaming girls in the world couldn’t make him not miss them for one second.  She was all the way across the globe with Bailey and the smallest, cutest addition to his family: Chelsea.  At just 3 months she had seen her daddy twice and it was killing him.  The tour had been stretched for another month making his wait even longer than he had imagined. 

He picked up his Coke from the nightstand and began to pace the room once again.  He went to pick up the phone but glancing at the clock decided it would be best to wait.  It was 10:30 where he was…which meant it would be around 6:30 where she was; he didn’t want to wake her.  He sat down on the bed and let his eyes linger on the white handle of the phone. 

He imagined that maybe if he looked long enough it would ring…If he thought hard enough, it would be her…

After 5 minutes of staring blankly at a hotel telephone he shook his head and walked to his duffel bag.  Kara had sent him pictures of the kids and her just a few weeks back.  He knew Chelsea would look a lot different now than in these pictures, but he needed to look at them anyway; his fatherly pride made him do so at least 6 times a day. 

He brought the pictures and a plastic bag back to the bed and set them out in front of him.  He opened the plastic bag and pulled out a picture frame he had bought the other day in Paris.  He hadn’t had time to open it the night before due to the fact that he was so tired he hadn’t had the time to even get himself into bed. 

He threw the bag towards the garbage and made it.  He smiled to himself slightly and put the frame down to gather the pictures he wanted.  He knew which was he was going to use, he had been looking at them for weeks admiring his children’s cherubic faces.  After finding the right one for the kids he flipped through a few other pictures until he saw her. 

The picture he had looked at for the last 2 weeks.

She was more than beautiful in this picture.

She was better than an angel.  He didn’t have a word to describe her…although he had tried to find one time and time again.

In this particular picture she was sitting on their sofa, her hair was a mess, strands falling in the most peculiar places.  She was smiling, her nose red from the cold they had just walked in from.  He had taken this picture himself the day before he had left for the tour; leaving her 9 months pregnant.  Her stomach was so full they had expected she was carrying twins, but she hadn’t been…Just a large, bright, beautiful baby girl. 

After Chris had developed this picture he had told her that if he could find her attractive in this picture he knew this was it.  She had hit him after he had spoken, but he knew she understood what he had been trying to say. 

He lifted the back of the frame out and placed the two pictures in so they were side by side.  He closed it and set it down on the nightstand next to his sweating glass of pop.  He put the left over pictures inside the nightstand drawer and turned off the light.  Lying back onto the soft pillow he turned his head towards the frame again.  He could just see her face with the light filtering into the room from behind the curtains.  The same old longing began crushing his insides again.  The loneliness in the dark hotel room was massive, he felt the tears beginning to swell in his eyes.  He closed them tightly and rolled onto his stomach.  He left the second pillow to the other side of the bed; he had tried to cling to that too many nights and decided it wasn’t the same.  He just wanted her but he had too many nights to wait…Too many days to be awake without her there.

The clock read 11:21 when he allowed himself to drift away into some form of relief,

his dreams.

*****************************

                The phone rang around 8 o’clock in the morning.  He wearily reached up to answer as he attempted to sit up.  He glanced at the clock as he put the receiver to his ear.

                “This better be good.  I don’t have to be up for another hour.”  He mumbled.

                “You’re still in bed!”  A voice cried into the phone with innocent shock.  “Daddy it’s almost time for dinner!” 

                Chris smiled at the sound of Bailey’s voice.  “Hey buddy.”  He was fully awake now.   “How are you?”

                “You shouldn’t be in bed daddy…” He scolded.  “It’s too late for sleeping!”

                “Not for you.”  He laughed.  “Did you take your nap today?”  He heard the boy laugh loudly and let his grin stretch farther up his cheeks.

                “I woke up 2 hours ago dad!”

                “Oh!  I’m sorry bud, I must have forgotten how big you’re getting.”  He paused.  “I miss you.”
                “I miss you too daddy.  Hey guess what!”  The boy yelled excitedly.

                “What?”  Chris asked mocking the boys excitement.

                “Chelsea rolled onto her back the other day and mommy let me help her give her a bath too!  She’s so funny!”

                “That’s cool!”  Chris said trying to sound sincere and hide the regret he felt for not being there.  “Have you been being good for mom?”

                “Yeah!  She said I was being really good!”  He nodded his head vigorously.   “Daddy?”
                “Yeah.”

                “Are you coming home?” 

                His heart sank deep into his stomach at these words.  He shut his eyes and dropped his chin down to his chest.  “Of course I am.”

                “When daddy?  You have been gone for YEARS!”  The boy put all the emphasis on the last word and raised his arms as he did almost dropping the phone.  Chris heard the familiar voice of his wife in the background telling him to be careful.

                “I’ll be home soon.  I promise.”  He said, his eyes open now, putting all his emphasis on the word ‘promise’.  “Was that mom talking to you?”

                “Yeah.”  He answered, sounding out of breath.  “I almost dropped the phone!”  He giggled.

                “Be careful!”  Chris warned, his voice still calm.  “Could you put mommy on the phone for me?”  He asked.

                “OK.”  He heard the exchange and waited patiently until her heard her voice.

                “Hi Chris…I’m sorry we woke you up, he just really wanted to call you and I-.”

                “That’s fine K, you know I don’t mind.  I miss you.”  He switched into gear quickly.  It was the way he worked; Kara loved it.

                “I miss you too.”  She beamed, blushing slightly as she turned away from Bailey. 

                “Where’s Chelsea?”

                “Still sleeping.  She wouldn’t sleep when I put Bailes down she was too hyper.  I tried when he woke up…She went out like that.”  She snapped her fingers, even if he could not see.

                “I wish I was there to see her.”  He said feeling the loneliness welling up inside his chest again.

                “Me too.”  Kara said dropping her voice.  “You guys didn’t have to lengthen the tour…” She hinted, her voice soft.

                His eyes rolled to the ceiling.   He sighed.  “I know…The guys really wanted to, it’s good for us.” 

                “Not for me…Not for Bailes, not for Chelsea.”  She was about to go on, but he interrupted her.

                “I get your point K, but I can’t just up and leave…I made a commitment to them long before I committed to you.”  He dropped his voice as well.  “I can’t just leave them.”

                “I know…It’s your job.”  She sighed.  “I just get so lonely.  You’re never home Chris.”

                He closed his eyes.  “I’ll be home for 4 months after the tour is over…”

                “Yeah and then you’ll be gone again.”

                “When Chelsea is older we can go on tour again…We did it with Bailes.”  He suggested, attempting to calm her.

                “Yeah…But that doesn’t really work.”  She whispered hoarsely as she glanced towards Bailey.

                “Look…I can’t do anything about my situation.”  He paused knowing she would have something waiting for him.  Something she dragged in front of his face every time they argued about his job.  “Nothing I would be interested in doing anyway…I love my job Kara.”

                She pursed her lips together and rolled her eyes.  It was the same thing he said every time they had this argument.  “More than your family?”  She shot out like a bullet and her words hit him hard. 

                “I can’t do this Kara.”  He warned stretching his words out in pain.  “I can’t do this today…Please not over the phone.”

                “Oh that’s good J, let’s just wait until you are home so the kids can here.”

                “Actually no.  I thought by the time I came home you would have calmed down.”

                “Yeah, I will have calmed down and I can go on leading the life of a boy band members wife…” She paused.   “Oh wait!  No one knows I exists…I’m just one of those jokes you make…One of the ones people shrug off.”  She started mocking his high pitched voice as she said, “What is my most valuable possession.  I’d have to say my wife and two kids.”  She tried to lower her voice again.  “I don’t like being the butt of your jokes!  I want people to know-“

                “Kara!”  He said interrupting her.  “You know that can’t happen right now!  I’ve explained it to you time and time again.”

                “And each time you do it still doesn’t make sense.  If you love me,” She began softly, “I can’t be a secret.  I can’t be hiding from the public any more.  It killed Bailes last tour…I don’t know if I can put Chelsea through that.”

                Chris was silent this time.  In fact, they both were.  Kara glanced towards Bailey and sighed.  “I’m sorry Chris.”

                “No I’m sorry.  You don’t have to apologize, I know how hard it is, but don’t think for one second I don’t know what it feels like.”  His words were strong, but still soft enough to not hurt.  “I know what it feels like.  I love you so much I want to tell everyone.  When Chelsea was born and we did all those interviews do you think it was easy to not tell the world I had just become a father for the second time?”

                “I know it wasn’t Chris.”

                “Yeah, so please let’s not talk about this now…I can’t do anything just yet, you know I can’t…I don’t want to finish this tour on bad terms with you and have to come home to arguments.” He licked his lips and took a deep breath.  “I promise we won’t have to live like this for much longer…When we get rid of the management issue things will change.”

                “And only for the better.”  Kara finished.  This wasn’t the first time she had heard this speech…It probably wouldn’t be the last either. 

                Promises, promises, all meant to be broken…Unintentionally of course…but still broken.

                “Yeah.”  He said unsure of what to say next. 

                “I should probably let you go…You have to get up in 30 minutes, you can sleep some more.”  She said turning back towards Bailey. 

                “Yeah, I stayed up late last night anyway.”  He replied not really wanting to hang up. 

                “Do you want to talk to Bailes again?”   She asked as his ears perked up.  “I think he does!”  She said as he began to run to the phone all full of smiles.

                “Wouldn’t want to miss talking to him again.”  He said with a smile.  “I love you Kara.”  He added softly.

                “I love you too.”  She replied as quiet as she could.  For a moment she forgot Bailey was waiting to speak to Chris, but then she felt the familiar tug on her skirt.  “Here’s Bailey.”

                “Hello daddy.”

                “Helloo.” 

                Bailey giggled.  “Stop being funny daddy.”

                “OK, OK.”  He stuck out his tongue and started making farting noises to the delight of his son. 

                “DADDY!”  He yelled loudly.  “Stop that.”  He was suddenly very serious.”

                “OK, I stopped.”

                “I love you daddy.” 

                “I love you too Bailey.”  He said proudly.

                “Mommy says I should let you go.”

                “Yeah, I’m so tired I could fall asle-“ He began to make loud snoring noises.

                “Daddy!  Don’t fall asleep when I’m talking to you!”

                “Oh! Oh!  Sorry I must have fallen asleep!”

                “Daad!”

                “Alright Bailes.  Goodbye.”

                “Bye, bye daddy.” 

                Chris waited a few moments after Bailey had hung up the phone.  Then he hung up the phone and shut off the light again.  His son’s voice ringing in his ears, blocking his wife’s yelling out; letting it drain into the soft pillowcase beneath his head.

*****************************

                “You talked to her last night?” Justin asked sitting next to him on the bus. 

                “Yeah.”  He nodded looking out the window.  His eyes were clouded over with a mysterious gray cloud, not usual for the normally gleeful man.

                “Oh.”  Joey said nodding his head.  He pointed in the man’s direction as he grabbed a bottle of orange juice from the fridge.  “Something’s wrong.  When Chris isn’t joking around it’s serious.”

                “Did she fight with you again?” 

                “Yeah…” He sighed and leaned back into the bench.  For an instant his eyes blazed with light.  “Chelsea rolled over last week.”  He smiled slightly with fatherly pride so evident all faces in view smiled along; not unusual for Chris…He could make anyone smile.  “Kara thinks she’ll be crawling soon.”  He paused, “Or did she say creeping.”  He shook his head.  “Either way, she’s growing up.”  He smiled passively again and let out a small laugh.  “Can’t wait to get home, by then she’ll be running around reaping all sorts of havoc on our lovely new furniture.”

                Joey chuckled. 

Justin smirked, trying to read the man’s expression.

                Before Justin could ask the question on his nagging him so JC walked onto the bus. 

                Chris gasped.  “You’re late!  It’s 9:32!”  He said emphasizing on the 2 as he stood up in terror pointing to his watch.

 Joey burst out laughing as JC scowled.  

                “I would have been on time,” he said pushing past Joey who was clutching his side.  “But Rhiannon was having some trouble.”  He said reaching into the refrigerator, grabbing a bottle of water.

                “What’s wrong with her?”  Justin asked perking up suddenly. 

                JC shrugged, “Nothing important.”

                What’s the big secret?  Justin asked himself.  Rhiannon tells me everything...She’s my girlfriend, what would there be to hide?

                “Where’s Lance?”  Chris asked looking out the window again.  “He’s usually not 2 minutes late as well.”  He said loudly in JC’s direction.

                “The one day everyone else is on time I have to be late!”  He said under his breath as he rolled his eyes to look away from Chris’s ugly mug.

                “I got the mail!”  Lance shouted as he hopped up the steps of the bus and next to the rest of his elite.  He handed a letter to Joey, 3 to Justin, 2 to JC, and 2 to Chris who waited patiently, but felt like bursting to get his hands on the purple envelope that meant Kara had written him another letter.

                Once he had the letters in hand he ran to the back of the bus, away from the noisy front, and tore open the perfumed wrapping which held words he longed to read.

                From day one of his first tour Kara and him had made it ritual to write each other letters for their eyes only.  Letter’s he told her would get them through the hard times.  He had poured his heart into these letters; given them a side of him he rarely let anyone else see.

                He began to read the word greedily, they were like energy he needed to live…

                Dear Chris,

                                I’m sorry for the things I said the other day on the phone, believe me I didn’t mean them all.  I just can’t stand to hear you talking like that.  I love you too much to hurt you, and I truly am sorry.

                Do you remember our first anniversary? I was pregnant with Bailes and I wanted to go out but you refused to take me in “condition” so you tried to cook me dinner…LOL.  I don’t thin k I’ve ever eaten chicken that’s tasted like wax…

                I remember I was fine with pizza but you refused, as usual, and went all over town trying to find something you felt was suitable.  You spent half the night doing that and when you came back you had like 5 different things from 4 different restaurants.  You aren’t ever pleased with small things, you have to go all out with everything (just look at your last haircut).  But Chris, I realized last night that’s a part of you that you can’t change…and being with the guys is what you live for…It’s because of them you feel it necessary to go all out.  I can’t take that away from you, it’s so selfish of me to even try to.  I love you, you know that I know you do, but I feel like I can’t say it enough to make you understand how much I really do.

                The next month will be hard without you as always, Bailey and Chelsea send their love.  She’s teething by the way, I’m sure you are dying hearing you are missing this lovely step in her life and don’t tell me you are cause believe me (and my breasts) that you aren’t. 

                My letter is getting long, so I’m going to let you go.  I love you.

                                Kara Kirkpatrick

                It wasn’t what he had imagined it to be, but it was still Kara, he read the last 2 parts over again and leaned back into the soft cushions of the couch and closed his eyes imagining the way she would look when he got home.

*****************************

                Justin put his headphones on sank into the only empty chair on left on the bus.  Joey had decided to take up an entire bench by sleeping on it…

                He opened her letter carefully as always and began to read hoping against all hopes she would tell him what she had just told JC.