I RECOMMEND ME SOME BAMBI! - Todd & Rod Sam, Tea, Vicki, Blair

Some say the DID was real, some insist it was not. At the time it was just plain confusing to me to try and figure it all out, but in retrospect now I’m glad I saw it. If only for one reason, it showed an even wider range of RH’s acting and it looked like he was having a hell of a lot of fun with it. My favorite ‘alter’ would have to be Rod. The cheesy Italian accent, the swagger, the leering at the women, the arrogant cockiness, the oily suave look, were a blast to watch. Almost everyone that interacted with Rod looked as if they would crack up at any minute, due to RH’s antics. One of my favorite Rod scenes were with Kelly. They are hysterical; “I want to have sex with you right now.” Unfortunately I don’t have good copies of those scenes or I would add those to the transcripts. Anyhoo, this is shortly after Rod has emerged to Tea the previous evening, no one else has met him yet. Sam, Vicki and Tea are at the penthouse door when they hear strange moans of pleasure coming from inside. They enter not knowing what to expect, at the same time Blair comes down from upstairs and they all stare with mouths agape (as we in the audience do, also) and see Todd lying on his stomach, draped only in a towel on a masseuse table with a woman on top of him giving him a very thorough massage.

BLAIR: Todd, turn the music down! You’re not the only one that.....

TODD: (opera music is playing loudly, Todd moans loudly and looks up at Tea, with a leer) Caramia! Bella! (lasciviously looking over Tea)

TEA: Hello, (hesitantly) Rod!

BLAIR: (disgustedly) Rod??

Scene break

(Sam is paying the masseuse at the door who I think is giving her private number out and Todd comes down the stairs unfortunately dressed in a robe tying it tightly)

TODD: Tea! I am so glad you are still here. I was frightened that maybe you had been...(pause) frightened. Sam, oh, Bambi! (howls at the moon, beating his chest) Sam, I recommend me some Bambi! (laughing giving Sam a wink and the okay symbol, with lecherous intent, then with a formal bow to Vicki) Oh, I am so sorry. Allow me to introduce myself. I am, (rolling) Rod!

VICKI: It’s very nice to meet you, Rod.

SAM: (very hesitant) Yes, hello, Rod.

BLAIR: (unbelieving) Rod? (pointedly) Where’s Starr? (she stands with her hands on her hips)

TODD: (back at her) Not here. Sam. (takes Sam aside confidentially) I am very glad I am not playing this little boy football game anymore but it still feels very good to score! (shoves Sam’s arm, jock style)

TEA: (smiles at the locker room talk) I love it when men talk about women and sports as if they were the same thing.

TODD: I so sorry, I did not intend for you to hear that. (he caresses Tea’s face on his way to Vicki) Mia sorella! (spreads his arms out wide, huge smile, kisses Vicki on both cheeks, continental style, twice)

SAM: (whispers to Blair, who has her head in hand in frustration) You having a little problem with this?

BLAIR: Oh, Sam, among other things. (she turns away)

TODD: (sees Vicki looking strange at him) Looking for someone you once knew?

VICKI: I expected other alters eventually but....(she trails off)

TODD: (eyebrows up) Do I disappoint?

VICKI: No, you don’t disappoint. I was hoping to speak to the man that I met on the roof of the hospital.

TODD: Why?

VICKI: Why? Because I have a feeling that he is the real Todd. (she smiles)

TODD: Eh! Who’s to say who is the real Todd, me. (pounds his chest, caveman style) I am happy now! To be alive, to be (takes deep breath) breathing, to live, to love!! (growls to Tea, looking her up and down lecherously, he postures like a peacock, Tea smiling uncomfortably but looks like she can barely contain cracking up)

VICKI: Well, that’s fair enough, but why, why now?

TODD: Why not now?

VICKI: WHY, did you decide to come out now?

TODD: Well that Tom, he’s a very nice but (smacks his fingers to his mouth, looking at Tea) she’s exquisite, no? (he caresses Tea’s cheek) And a, my wife she’s exceptional! I could not let her slip away because of Tom’s (pause with a disgusted face) inexperience. (he winks at Vicki and leers at Tea, she stares open mouthed)

Scene break

TEA: You like opera? And you speak Italian?

BLAIR: Opera?? (in the background incredulous)

TODD: Si, un poco Italiano.

TEA: When did you learn Italian? When....

SAM: (cuts her off) Everybody I.....I hate to break this up. But I really need some time alone with a....Rod here. (again Todd leers at Tea and steps towards her, licking his hand, tightening his belt) I had time to prepare Tom for Dr. Boyd’s interview but not everyone else.

VICKI: We’re going to be leaving then. (Todd turns to her) I sincerely hope you will cooperate with Sam as much as possible because it’s very important.

TODD: Mia sorella! (kisses both her cheeks again, and holds her close)

VICKI: (smiling broadly at the fact he is openly affectionate) I must say that this is very nice, just being able to do this.

TODD: Why you look so sad?

VICKI: Because I don’t like leaving you right now

TODD: Mmm, is only for the moment. Solo, momento.

VICKI: No, no no. That’s not what I meant. I came here today to tell you, that I’ve been asked by the President to represent the United States at a symposium in China and I’m due to leave very soon but I could always invent a family emergency.

TODD: Is no, emergency. Everything is fine.

VICKI: (hesitant) I don’t like leaving you right now, really.

TODD: (Italian music starts up) No, I have all of my friends here. (he touches Tea’s cheek) And besides, the president he has enough to think about, no, without a trying to replace you. (laughing at the inside joke, during the time of the Monica mess)

VICKI: Are you quite certain?

TODD: Oh yes, in fact, I insist.

VICKI: Alright, when I come back I would like to get to know you better.

TODD: You have always known me. (he winks at Vicki and turns slowly to Tea with a leer and big sniff) And you, you will be a very HAPPY woman once you have KNOWN me.

TEA: (a ‘yeah sure’ kind of look) I’m sure I will, Rod. (her eyes bug out)

TODD: Come to the opera with me. It is Verdi. La Forza del Destino..

TEA: Uh....um....(he steps up close to Tea, in her face, Tea is very uncomfortable)

TODD: Please, I am begging you.

TEA: (under his spell, starts using the accent herself) I think about it. (correcting and shaking herself out of it) I’ll think about it. (looks past him to Vicki to try to get out) Umm...could we go.

VICKI: Yes, we’re going right now. I’ll call you and you’ll be in my prayers. Please, do what Sam tells you.

TODD: Si. (Vicki & Tea cross to the door) Ciao!

TEA: Ciao!

TODD: (with big grand gesture) Arrivederci!

TEA: Arrivederci! (back at him, she can’t get out fast enough, the Italian music fades out on cue)