So for the Christmas break I decided to set out on an adventure of sorts - first to Pittsburgh where I spent Christmas Eve, Christmas and the day after Christmas with my cousins and family. Next I dropped by my townhouse in Fairfax to pick up a mattress and move it back to my house in Newport News where I spent the next two days drinking and playing poker with a great group of friends. Then we drove up to VA Tech to spend the New Year with our great friend Laura - more about that later. I figure I should take you through the ups and downs of my Winter 2004 break and may you draw from these experiences and learn from them, lest you suffer the humiliation and agony I went through. On the positive side you may wish to copy and repeat the more splendid events that took place. Anyway, do with this information what you will but know that I am no way responsible for your personal mental or physical injury.
I had to work at FIA the night of the 23rd. From 7pm until 11pm. After going out to IHOP with Robert and drinking a few hoddels of coffee I set out for Pittsburgh. After reaching the PA Turnpike and realizing it was almost 4 AM I decided that falling asleep at the wheel for the next 2 hours at 65 MPH would be a bad idea so I pulled off at a rest stop, turned off my engine and fell asleep. I awoke an hour later by the sound of my phone alarm going off. Naturally I shut the damn thing up and fell back asleep. I was barely asleep when I heard what sounded like a rock falling on the pavement. I turned over and glanced eye-to-eye with a male truck driver (mid 40s, large and balding) looking at me through the window and holding a cup of coffee. This was probably the quickest I have ever woken up in my life. In fact I'm going to submit my design for an alarm clock that features a random stranger staring at you, waiting for you to feel his silent presence over your sleeping body..... maybe not. But never the less I made to my Aunt's (pronounced Ant not Unt like all you southern folks say it) house right before the sun rose - and promptly fell asleep for the next 7 hours.
I woke and ate dinner twice; once at my aunt's and once at my dad's parents'. This was probably the biggest highlight of visiting family - other than the actual social engagement - is the vast quantities of food everyone has spent hours preparing just so your poor college soul and gorge on deviled eggs, turkey, ham, pork, potatoes, gravy, party potatoes, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, pirogies, jello molds, dinner rolls, and cookies and cake. Damn was the food delicious.
The next day, Christmas, I spent the morning with my parents and sister exchanging gifts and laughter and smiles. Good times. The evening was spent with my mom's parents' where we exchanged hugs, laughter and passed around beers. Good times. So after most the uncles had been drinking for a while me and my cousins decide to go to the movies to see "The Darkness" (not the band) with that chick who played Rouge in the X-Men movies. It was fun going to the theaters - I mooned my cousin's friends and we sat down in the theater acting all goofy and shit. Good times. Then the movie started. After the next 2 hours my soul was sucked from my body, crushed with a meat mallet, thrown in a blender, set on puree, poured into a pot and boiled, fed to an old woman at a nursing home, shat out and used to grow magical shrooms which were them eaten by the bastards who made this horrible excuse for a movie!
FUCK THIS MOVIE!!!! NEVER GO SEE IT!!!! IT WILL RAPE YOU AND LEAVE YOU WITH NOTHING BUT A SORE ASS AND TEARS RUNNING DOWN YOUR CHEEKS!!!
I would rather have taken the $10 I spent to see this sack of shit film, taken the singles one by one, soaked them in kerosene, forced them into my rectum then lit them on fire than to have seen this god forsaken movie!
In short, "The Darkness" is the worst movie ever. Don't believe me? Then find out for yourself. But remember... I warned you.