A Letter to All Dogs and Cats ...

Dear Dog and Cat,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else,
not switch positions with each other so there are still
two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours
and contain YOUR food. The other dishes are mine
and contain MY food.
(Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of
my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food & dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.
I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to
sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of
dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to the fullest extent possible.
(I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used
is nothing but sarcasm.)

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the
door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In
addition, I have been using the bathroom for years ...
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, and THEN go smell the other dogs
or cats' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a
simple change for you.

To pacify you
I have posted the following message on our front door.....

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here; YOU DON'T.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal.
To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short,
hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.


Dogs and cats can be better than kids.
They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to
train, usually come when called, never drive your car,
don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or
smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions,
don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for
college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.