We’ve seen enough directors use it; it’s almost a comedy cliché. The ultra-wealthy are bidding on rare artifacts at an exclusive auction, when the main character (who is NOT wealthy) blunders in. She waves at a friend and then discovers too late that she has just bought a Ming vase for half a million dollars. Since this happens only in comedies, we expect a happy ending - usually involving romance. The key to the scene, of course, is that the heroine does not realize the significance of her action. By waving her hand during the bidding, she is offering to pay the auctioneer’s latest price. In that situation, her hand-wave means exactly the same thing as "Yes, I agree to buy that for $500,000." And the auctioneer has the right to hold her to it.
There is another, more common cliché. The lovely heroine and really nice guy spend an evening together and find they like each other. So they go to bed together. By the end of the story they may even be married. Why do they start their relationship with sex? That question never comes up. In fact, it may be naive even to ask it. Isn’t beautiful sex one of the gateways to true love? After all, if two people find they care for each other... We need to think about that question.
Like the auction-lady, the two lovers have just made a pledge without realizing how deep and significant a pledge it is. If the lady at the auction has pledged half a million by waving her hand, the couple have pledged each other their whole lives in bed. The act they have just performed has its own meaning, and that meaning must be respected. Not to respect it is a kind of breach of contract. But let us look at it more closely.
Love-making is done while naked (a fact that film-makers are not reluctant to show us). And in the film this nakedness is surrounded with beauty and freedom. But in real life, naked-ness is connected with shame. In the doctor’s examining room, we instinctively cover up as soon as possible, and we want as few people as possible around while our private parts are exposed. Any gym teacher will tell you that getting kids to shower is one of the harder parts of the job. When tyrants, secret police, and concentration commandants want to humiliate their prisoners, they parade them naked before the guards. It is why rape is always a crime of vio-lence. Conversely, when we want to impress other people with who we really are, we try to dress appropriately. The naked man or woman is unprotected, defenseless, and - in a real sense - not in control. This is why the nakedness of love-making is so meaningful. Whether the lovers are thinking it or not, the message is this: "I trust you so much that I can yield my unprotected body to you. I love you so much that I choose to set aside my shame before you." (In fact, this is exactly why so many people are so reluctant to use condoms; the protection runs directly counter to the whole dynamic of what they are doing.)
This connection between nakedness and shame is also what makes love-making the wonderful thing it can be. It is not just a matter of physical pleasure. There is also the real joy of discovering that this person is giving me something extraordinary, something that he or she routinely denies the rest of the world.
Having sex is a pledge. When the couple gets into bed, they are saying to each other - by the very actions they perform - "I give you everything most private about me. And I will accept and treasure the gift you give me when you put aside your shame." This is what their acts say, even if with their minds and mouths they say that this is just for tonight with "no strings". The pledge has been made and accepted. And in the morning, if it is not honored by on-going fidelity, then the couple - especially the woman - feels cheapened and even betrayed.
When a football player is awaiting the punt, he is free to run - unless he raises his hand to signal a "fair catch". As soon as his hand goes up, he commits himself to moving no more than three steps. It doesn’t matter what he is thinking. Even if he intends only to shield his eyes from the sun, he cannot run with the ball. If he does, the referee calls a penalty. What he does with his body has a definite meaning. It means a commitment.
Having sex also means a commitment. Private sex without permanent, public commit-ment is wrong. It is wrong because lying is wrong. The bigger and more important the lie, the more wrong it is. Accepting and embracing another’s nakedness is a meaningful act. To do it for the pleasure of the moment is a very big lie. It is a personal betrayal of the most intimate kind.
Adrian J. Reimers
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