by David N. Greenfield, Ph.D. and Al Cooper, Ph.D.,

In the ever-increasing complexities of cyberspace hides a new and more anonymous method of sexual interation. As impersonal as it may seem, the anonymity, immediacy and accessibility of flirting, sexuality, and romantic contact on-line has become an almost overnight epidemic. In the
course of our work as psychologists and marriage and family therapists, we have seen a number of couples who have presented with symptoms ranging from cyber-flirting to full blown on-line affairs. In some cases these affairs have left the screen and wound up in motel rooms.

New questions arise, such as, "Where is the line between on-line flirting and an affair?" (easy to determine in real time) and "How can one figure out when one is in danger of crossing the line on-line?" Never before have this issue been more intensely debated and never before have it been more unclear. It seems that on the Internet the
boundaries of sexuality are becoming more and more blurred. Like Playboy magazine, adult videos, and 900 number before it, the internet raises questions about the very nature of interpersonal and sexual interaction and fidelity.

"What is flirting?" The idea of flirting seems to have an element of "innocence" imbedded in it. In the course of face to face social interaction, flirting might consist of a nod, a glance, casual words, compliments, some discussion, including mild sexual innuendo, gesturing, or joking. However, on-line interactions appear to become far more
intense more quickly. Direct and explicit comments
regarding sexual behavior can create a hyper stimulating effect and cross the line between innocent flirting and overt sexual interaction almost immediately.. The progression between flirting and sexuality becomes accelerated and the typical warning signals that alert one to infidelity go unrecognized in cyberspace.

Flirting suggests a limit or boundary is imbedded within. An overt or covert meta-message lets the couple know "this will only go so far." The tacit boundary is reinforced by the social context in which the flirting occurs. Concerns about the possibility of rejection and embarrassment about
seeing the person again tends to make individuals cautious and slow to move to a more serious level. However, in cyberspace the usual markers are absent. The nonverbal signs of discomfort, smiles or laughter are not available to blunt the force of sexually suggestive comments. Instead, an amorphous uncharted psychosocial vacuum exists which offers no resistance to the imaginative sexual impulse, such that flirting can rapidly escalate to overt sexual interaction with little awareness on the parts of either member of the couple.

There is power in the written word (typed)
word--especially when it involves sexual innuendo. Writers can take time to craft the message--maybe even write multiple drafts, if necessary. They can create personae who appear confident and assertive or sensitive and romantic when in "real time" they might blurt, stammer or
have a crack in their voices. These very reasons have made poetry and love letters potent aphrodisiacs. Never before has this mode of communication been so instantly accessible to so many via the internet. The perception of anonymity facilitates a kind of daring than most would be
unable to recreate in a more "visible" context.

Internet users are creating their own social conventions and are thus in the process of defining their own set of ground rules for social and sexual interaction. The private member/chat rooms have become electronic bedrooms where people can engage in their wildest fantasies without ever leaving their homes (or taking their clothes off).
Sitting in a familiar chair, in everyday surroundings in front of a computer screen, one has the illusion of the kind of safety and security--perhaps analogous to sitting behind the wheel of the family car--that promotes greater
risk-taking and even extreme behavior. In cyberspace there is no need to fear AIDS, pregnancy, or lipstick stains on the collar. Some people feel emboldened and experiment with their sexuality in ways they would likely avoid in the real-time, consequence-filled world.

In this uncharted territory people often begin
Cyber-interaction and relationships with very little, if any, forethought and usually with only the most innocent of intention. However, when the subtle power, instant gratification, and almost universal wish to be found interesting, attractive, and desirable converge the unsuspecting user might find themselves in a rapidly accelerating relationship with a momentum and life of its own. Participants may find themselves somewhat
disoriented and caught up in a very powerful on-line relationship before they realize it. However, with some warning and awareness the person is more likely to be able to pull themselves back far enough to make a conscious decision as to whether or not this is a path that they are interested in traveling.

Here are 11 warning signs of becoming over-stimulated and crossing the boundaries from flirting to overt sexuality on line.
 

1. You spend an excessive amount of time in the
on line chat rooms or in private member rooms., particularly those having to do with sex and sexuality.

2. You think about using the internet for purposes of making sexual connections.

3. You were, at first, "accidentally" stimulated in these situations but now actively seek them out
each time you log on.

4. You are aroused by the anonymity of the
interaction--perhaps more so than in personal
interactions.

5. You engage in masturbatory fantasy or active
masturbation while on line (not an easy feat
while typing on a keyboard).

6. You have difficulty not logging on and
conducting sexual conversations.

7. You gravitate towards one or more individuals
with whom you have regularly scheduled or
unscheduled contacts.

8. You become overtly sexually aroused during
these interactions.

9. You make attempts to contact with this
individual either by phone, in writing or in
person.

10. You hide this information from your spouse or
significant other.

11. You experience guilt or shame from your on
line use.
 

What can you do if you find yourself excessively flirting or having an online affair? Try some of these tips:

1. Consider what may be going on in your    life
that may be prompting you to seek the emotional
and sexual attention from outside of your marriage.

2. Consider speaking with a friend or friends
about your concerns. Explain to them what you
are doing and ask them if they think that you
have crossed the line. Ask them for support.

3. Attempt to break off contact with the
individual(s) as you would a "live" affair.

4. Consider speaking with your spouse about
your feelings and areas that you do not find
satisfying in your current relationship.

5. Consider marital/sexual counseling to assist
you in improving your marriage and
relationship--which can almost always be
improved significantly.

6. Consider a support group for "cyberholics."

7. Consider taking a moratorium from your
computer and the Internet. technology can be
addicting and at times you must engage in an
"electronic cold turkey" to regain your senses.

Bodiless Intimacy: 

A main difference between (mediated) virtual and (non-mediated) real interactions is that even with the most advanced computer technology we cannot smell and touch each other in the virtual world. The most elementary forms of touching may
be duplicated in the virtual world if we are able to use very expensive equipment. But even the simplest kiss cannot be digitally duplicated. 

Can we imagine a virtual love affiliation? And could we enjoy a fictitious, purely imagined love
affair? 

The stories about intimate relations which were established via the Internet do have one thing in common: the lovers experience a grievous and sometimes tortuous split between body and mind. In computer-mediated interaction and
communication many mental and psychological aspects of intimate relations can show up well. But this is not true for the bodily side of the coin. The potential lovers create their intimate virtual reality, but they share the same physical room at the same time. 

This lack of corporality should not only be
evaluated in a negative way. The physical distance may under certain conditions offer unique opportunities to embrace and kiss everyone in the virtual world. Some people say that they dare to express all their emotions on the Internet because
they know they leave their bodies at home. 

The Internet makes bodiless intimacy possible. The intimate relations which develop in the virtual worlds only exist 'between the ears' of the participants. They share the illusion of intimacy.
But there are real, sincere emotions attached to these illusions. So for the lovers themselves the virtual relation is anything but fictive. There are virtual lovers who value their bodiless intimate relation more than their physical personal contacts
in their own environment. In such cases the
limitations of computer-mediated intimacy become visible: it is a digital torture when in the end there is only that black screen staring at you. 

Merel Mirage is a young Dutch women who lived in Nicaragua, Japan and Tibet for many years. During the World Video Festival in the Amsterdam Stedelijk Museum (October 1997) she showed a video that allows the viewers to share the feeling of falling in love in cyberspace. In Subject: emotions encoded she and her lover struggle through all stages of cyber love: starting with total delight and ending with profound doubts about the
sense of a computer-mediated love affair. Hands that begin to shake as soon as the online contact has been established. The excitement you feel when the Other gives you a compliment. Uncertainty about the question whether it could be something in real life: 'Suppose I don't like your smell?' And finally that remarkable liberation when you decide to meet each other in one physical room: 'Why should you try to meet each other on
the Internet afterwards?' 

Computer-mediated telelove is a game of
exchanging meanings. Human energy is invested in different kinds of symbolic interaction. People invest a lot of energy in these virtual relationships and they gain typically human experiences. They
feel real pain when they are left by their virtual partners, they become desperate when they are neglected by their virtual partners and they can thoroughly enjoy the role play made possible in a virtual world. 

The symbolic interactions taking place in virtual worlds are neither more nor less real than those taking place in the 'real' world. People are and remain symbol-making and symbol-exchanging animals. Through association with symbolic objects (textual, visual or auditive signals) we even
experience physiological reactions: titillation, cold sweat with fear, nauseating disgust, shivers with emotions, etc. 

Human beings are 'tool-making animals'. But our humanity is mainly determined by our ability to make meaningful symbols and to exchange them. That is only possible to the extent that we possess imaginative powers and a desire to play. The modern 'homo ludens' enjoys living one's life to the full in a fantasy-world. Just like with every other form of play this is only possible when the
participants construe a common hallucination: they draw up the rules of the game, they all play their own role and persuade themselves into thinking that this is reality. We are playing anymals who use our imagination and who highly value the element of 'make-believe', which already
played a part in primitive religions. That is the frivolous essence of cultural life. 

One of our best and best-know historians, Johan Huizinga, analyzed this frivolous character elaborately. He has shown that it is much more than simply a rethorical comparison when culture is analyzed as a special case of playing, sub specie
ludi. Already in 1938 he wondered what the 'fun' of playing was. His conclusion was that real, pure play is the foundation of our whole culture: 

"Culture arises in the shape of play, culture is initially played" and "she unfolds in play and as play" [Huizinga 1938/85: 45, 170].

Play is something particular. It is not necesarily the opposite of seriousness because a play can be very serious. In the virtual world of cyberspace a great deal of more or less innocent, only amusing games are played. But cyberspace is not a
slotmachine hall in which one can let off steam with nice games. The fictions and simulations which are required to create virtual worlds are serious. In cyberspace it serious play. 
 
 

Netlove is virtual love: nearly like love, but also nothing near true local love. Netlove has the following three characteristics: 

 a.Bodiless love Via Internet people are able to exchange their most intimate thoughts and feelings. But they can't touch each other. In cyberspace you cannot hold, caress, kiss, or fuck your loved  one. Netlove has an appearance of intimacy. In fact their is only a communication of texts,  images and sound on the screen. An important part of the intimacy is realized by communicating with someone by means of a typewritten text. More advanced imitations of  'real life' intimate interactions make use of  video and audio-technology. Via the computer you can see and hear the other person as if he or she is in het same room. Netlove is a
particular form of platonic love without bodily contact. Physical contract, however, is a basic element of human intimacy. 

 b.Imagined love
    People do not necessarily present themselves as they are, but as what they would like to be, or at least as how they would like other to see them. They can create their own character masks - the formal and informal social control mechanisms which stimulate individuals in real local life to present a consistent image of themselves to others are lacking. The unique aspect of this new social situation and the lack of synchronous face-to-face presence offers
the actor a greater control of the development of the 'definition of the situation'. In virtual environments individuals have the opportunity
to present their 'idealized self'. The partial
anonymity of cyberspace gives a great deal of room for fantasy and conceptualization. One can believe to have found what is missing. One falls in love with the partial self-image, on the idealized image that ohter present of themselves and one has a fee rein to romanticeze this self-image further. People can interact in imaginary worlds and with imaginary identities (like the 'holodecks' of Star Trek). Most people do not confuse this fantasy with reality. A cyber-lover is just another type of 'escape-fantasy' - but much more interactive and therefore more exciting than the more usual methods (like masturbation fantasies). 

  c.Love without consequences
Telelove is love without immediate
consequences for local social life. Outside the Internet you do not meet your cyberlove. But when it comes to a real romance on the
Internet the couple will finally want to meet
each other face-to-face, 'in person'. They will have to meet each other if they want to
develop their relationship further and make it fully satisfying. For these people the Internet is simply a way of meeting each other. Cyberspace is a great, world wide market for people who are 'looking for love'. 

When we take these peculiarities of
Internet-mediated love relations together we can construct this definition: netlove is an imagined kind of bodiless love without direct consequences for the local social life. However, if people define this kind of love as real, it will eventually become real in its consequences. 

CYBERSEX

(by Peter Suciu, originally ran in Honey Magazine 1994)

What is Cybersex and how close are we to real thing? Closer and
further than some might think. First, what is Cyberspace? As a
word, Cyberspace was coined by William Gibson, author of such
Cyberpunk novels as Neuromancer, Count Zero and Mona Lisa
Overdrive. Gibson's view of Cyberspace was a realm inside the
computer that was traveled by the mind, via a direct neural
implant.
Of course, this technology is vastly superior to the computer
systems of today. But Cyberspace is real and it has existed
since the days of Alexander Graham Bell. Cyberspace is
currently believed to have born with the invention of the
telephone. Thus the first realm of Cybersex could be considered
Phone Sex. Phone sex has been around since the early 1980's
and has become a huge industry. In the last few years, aspiring
cyberpunks have begun to set up 'sex talk or type' outlets on
various computer bulletin boards.
Additionally, Cybersex as a true alternative to sex is growing in
another realm of computer technology, the CD-Rom. These are
interactive computer programs with outstanding graphics and
sound. This technology is new and limited. Releases have been
distributed by such sources as Penthouse Magazine, and are
really nothing more than a semi-interactive version of the print
magazine. 
With CD-Rom, there is no interaction with a fellow living human
as in phone sex or on a bulletin board. However, the CD-Rom
does have the missing element of voice with the exception of
programs with limited speech, "Fuck me baby, hard." Still, like
the magazines it is only masturbating to an image without input
from the other party.
For now, this is the real limits of cybersex. Gradually, networks
will be able to add visuals of the other party. You'd still need a
camera wired into your computer for your cyber 'prostitute' to
see you. But this technology is accessible right now, it's just not
cost effective. A computer system with two way camera, or even
the cheaper setup of video phones are really expensive ways to
masturbate.
The next realm of cybersex has only been envisioned in the
cyberpunk novels of Gibson and his fellow writers and in a few
movies. Gibson's version of cyberspace, with direct neural
connections would be the ultimate sexual experience, to the
mind everything that is happening is real.
Similar versions of VR were shown in Wild Palms and
Lawnmower Man. The Wild Palms version lacked any devices for
hearing or touch, but what do you expect for a television
production? Lawnmower Man had the characters in a bizillion
dollar setup for the ultimate jack-in to get-off.
Among the best version of cyberpunk cybersex is in the trilogy
of stories by George Alec Effinger, When Gravity Fails, Fire In
The Sun and The Exile Kiss. These stories describe a world
where a person can be wired, to allow a 'moody' chip to have a
direct connection to the brain. The person must still engage in
regular sex, but hasthe perception of having sex with the
personality on the moody chip. Thus you go buy a Madonna chip
and have sex with your loved one, but it feels just like doing the
material girl. I think a bit of jealousy would come in to play with
these devices.
However, these moody chips also allowed the user to have the
sensation of being male or female and having sex with a male or
female, regardless of actual sex. Now think of the possibilities
for two lonely guys on a Friday night.
Except for the above mentioned moody chips, most version of
Cybersex would be the ultimate in safe sex, since no contact is
made, and there is no exchange of body fluids. Cybersex would
also allow lovers to sleep together and make love a thousand
miles apart.
This also brings several question to mind. Is Cybersex with
another person real? This technology brings different questions
of infidelity to mind. Most people would say that Masturbating
isn't infidelity, or is phone sex. But what about when the person
experiences sex, even if it is only the appearance of sex.
Actual devices to simulate anatomy start come to mind in this
case. Depending on the level of technology, the need for
apparatus may differ. Current VR systems have the user wear
goggles for visuals and head sets for hearing. Touch is limited,
but special gloves are required for interaction in Cyberspace.
With higher level of technology, the kind that remains only
science fiction, a direct neural implant would control what the
mind believes to be real. In this case, plug in and what you see,
smell, hear and feel is not your actual surroundings but the
realm inside the computerized world.
Currently, we have a limited access to Cyberspace and thus a
very limited amount of Cybersex. With advancing technology,
Cybersex could become a new way to experience pleasure, to
share a moment with a far off lover and a safer alternative to
what has become a potentially deadly inaction of people. Still,
even with the most advanced technology, there doesn't appear
any reason that sex will ever be replaced by Cybersex only
supplemented by it.

What did you say? There's sex on the Internet!? Tell me it isn't so!
How'd it get there? Quick, someone pass a law so we can get rid
of it. . . . Okay, everyone, calm down, take a deep breath, and
repeat after me: There is sex on the Net, there is sex on TV, there
is sex in books and magazines, and there is most definitely sex
on the silver screen. Everywhere we turn there is sex. It's not a
disease, some hot form of Ebola spreading uncontrollably
through every type of media. Sex is a reality of life.

Sex also sells. That's why our politicians and the general press
have focused so much attention on sex on the Internet. Look at
Senator James Exon's silly Decency Act; it got more attention
than the rest of the recent telecommunications bills passed by
both the House of Representatives and the Senate.

For the most part, I agree with those who look at our
representatives, shake their heads, and say, "They just don't get
it." Singling out electronic communications and the Internet is
silly given the content of many of today's movies, television
shows, records, and books. Besides, we have to remember that
the Internet is an international network, and no one can screen
all the information out there or impose U.S. law abroad.

If you want to see just how out of touch our elected officials are,
let's look at the rest of the new telecommunications bill and its
underlying fallacies.

The belief that on-line communications are analogous to
broadcast communications. This is implicit in nearly all of the
attempts to regulate on-line services and the Internet. About the
only thing that the Internet has in common with broadcast
services is that it uses electricity. Broadcast television and radio
both use a theoretically limited public resource transmitting on
certain bandwidths. This is the reasoning behind such things as
the Federal Communications Commission and its activities, such
as the Fairness Doctrine. The same reasoning shouldn't apply to
the Internet, or indeed to on-line services, where there are no
limits to the number of sites with information.

Unlike broadcast media, on the Internet you don't typically
stumble upon something you don't want to see unless you're
looking for it. Typically, you have to enter a specific address or
follow a link to end up at a particular place on the Internet. The
Internet is much more like going into a bookstore and choosing
to look at adult magazines.

The focus on controlling regulation for yesterday's technology.
The great bulk of the new rules are designed to ensure more
competition for telephone services and perhaps for cable
television. We all want more competition, but I wonder whether
these new rules just set up new regulations when the
marketplace already suffices.

More important, I see no indication that things such as telephone
services offered via the Internet, video delivery via computer,
direct-broadcast satellite, or even two-way cable are part of these
grand regulations. I'm just not sure whether the new regulations
will get in their way or whether we're better off keeping the
government out.

The focus on the U.S. role. Somehow, our government seems to
have forgotten that the Internet, like the World-Wide Web, is
worldwide. While U.S. government agencies did sponsor much of
the original work for setting up the predecessors to the Internet,
many of its innovations came from other countries. In fact, even
the Web itself was developed by CERN in Switzerland.

In arguing for regulations, and limits on contents, our politicians
ignore the reality that much of the content on the Internet comes
from overseas and that there's no clear boundary between
information published in the United States and information
published abroad. Even if our government tried to regulate the
Internet, the very nature of electronic communications makes it
impossible to set up barriers among connected computers.

Already, we're beginning to hear complaints about the
English-centric nature of the Internet. More U.S. regulations will
only increase such complaints.

One philosophy espoused frequently on the Internet is that any
restriction on electronic conversation is inherently bad. I
disagree. As a society, it's our right and our responsibility to
monitor what material is readily available to our children, and
frankly, we've done a pretty poor job.

I applaud some of the efforts being made to create a "family-safe"
on-line experience. America Online and Prodigy are working to
create family-friendly services, and others, including our sister
publication FamilyPC, are trying to sort through the Internet and
create a directory of family-friendly Web sites. Some people are
working on technical solutions, creating software that limits
access to computers, the Internet, or specific parts of the
electronic world.

Much attention has focused on Surfwatch, a program that
automatically blocks access to 1,000 sites and lets you screen
newsgroups, Web sites, FTP locations, and other electronic
avenues. At $49.95 plus a $5.95 monthly subscription, it's a bit
pricey, but expect to see other software developers adopt similar
technologies in the very near future.

Other software-screening alternatives include Microsystems
Software's CyberPatrol, which offers controls similar to
Surfwatch, and NetNanny, which lets parents or guardians
monitor everything that passes through the computer. In case
you're worried about the amount of time your kids are spending
on-line, Fresh Software Co. has a program called Time's Up,
which lets parents set time limits or set acceptable hours for use
of on-line services. CyberPatrol has the same feature.

Experience tells us that no system is foolproof and that kids can
find their way around these restrictions. That's representative of
the real world. Like it or not, our children will be exposed to sex
and violence in all forms of media. We need to teach them how to
handle it.

While technological solutions have some merit in that they do let
parents set limits on what their children watch, none of them can
effectively take the place of an involved parent. We all need to sit
down with our kids and pay attention to what they watch, what
they listen to, and where they go on-line. They may not always do
what we want them to do, but we owe it to them to teach them
what is appropriate behavior. For instance, if your kids use on-line
services and "chat" rooms, you must teach them to remember
that the people in these rooms are strangers, and they shouldn't
give out their real names or addresses. It's just like the real
world.

When it comes to our children, censorship is a far less important
issue than good parenting. We must teach our kids that the
Internet is an extension and a reflection of the real world, and we
have to show them how to enjoy the good things and avoid the
bad things. This isn't the government's responsibility. It's ours.

It's our responsibility--not the government's--to protect our
children from the Internet's seamy side.

Cybersex a big online attraction

                       New York -- Madeleine Altmann
                       has just sent moving images of her
                       naked body to a guy in Iowa, via
                       computer. Still sweaty from studio
                       lights and wearing little between
                       her yellow hard hat and leather
                       tool belt, she plops down at the
                       terminal.
                       Bump and grind, open file and
                       transmit. She is as adept at the
                      keyboard as she was moments
                       ago - and feet away - before the
                       camera; she is as much a master
                       of cyber finance as she is a
                       mistress of sensuality.
                       "Sex is still the most searched-for
                       word on the Internet, and that's
                       why our service is growing so
                       well," says the 33-year-old porn
                       model and entrepreneur, who
                       designed and runs her own Web
                       site, "Babes4u."
                       Easy access to virtual sex has
                       turned pornography into one of
                       the few industries actually making
                       money through the Internet, and
                       lots of it. The flood of cash is
                       pushing the computer industry to
                       invent better, faster technology,
                       and new ways to charge for it.
                       Altmann, for example, has invested
                       more than $100,000 in phone
                       lines and equipment for her small
                       site to provide "streaming" video
                       images to users' computers
                       virtually instantaneously. The cost
                       has been too high for many other
                       small businesses, which are
                       struggling to make money online.
                       "They (porn businesses) are the
                       ones who are developing the tools
                       that the mainstream will use," says
                       Donna Hoffman, associate
                       professor of management at
                       Vanderbilt University.
                       It's not a new role for the porn
                       industry. Before the spread of
                       home computers, the possibility of
                       watching and recording sexually
                       explicit material at home
                       accelerated the development of
                       the VCR, the video camera and
                       video rental stores.
                       Now, X-rated online sites are
                       among the first to use expensive
                       T3 phone lines capable of
                       transmitting compressed,
                       high-resolution images that appear
                       to move naturally. Penthouse
                       recently announced a $10 million
                       venture offering computer video
                       channels in a format that mimics
                       cable television. And the industry
                       has invented sophisticated
                       charging methods to recoup their
                       investments.
                       Although no exact figures exist on
                       how profitable cyberporn is, a
                       recent survey by Interactive Week
                       magazine estimated that about
                       10,000 adult sites may be
                       bringing in as much as $1 billion a
                       year. Most of that is from
                       customers who use credit cards to
                       access private sites - like
                       Altmann's - that are advertised on
                       the Internet but dialed directly
                       from computer modems.
                       More than one-quarter of
                       households that own computers
                       visit adult sites each month, says
                       Bruce Ryon, vice president and
                       chief technical anaylst of the Port
                       Washington, N.Y.-based PC Meter,
                       which tracks usage of online
                       services.
                       When Penthouse first went online
                       in April 1995, the crush of users
                       overwhelmed the system and
                       forced the company to upgrade its
                       capacity, said spokeswoman
                       Jackie Markham.
                       The boom has nurtured a new
                       breed of porn entrepreneurs like
                       Altmann, who holds master's
                       degrees in interactive computer
                       technology and video art, and
                       speaks five languages.
                       "I would never be a stripper or a
                       prostitute," she says. "I don't want
                       to be near the clients or see
                       them."
                       Cyberspace provides a distance
                       between customer and performer
                       that makes it easier for women to
                       take a leading role in the
                       virtual-sex industry.
                       Several woman-run sites promote
                       their models' brains: Porn star
                       Asia Carrera describes herself as a
                       physicist's bright daughter who
                       fled an unhappy childhood and
                       became a stripper to support
                       herself. Danni's Hard Drive, a
                       video and picture marketplace run
                       by former porn model Danni Ashe,
                       lets viewers see a photo of the
                       site's female Web designer.
                       Unclothed, of course.
                       Babes4u models engage in
                       sexually explicit computer "chat"
                       with customers, weaving in double
                       entendres about construction
                       sites, laptops and software.
                       "If you're the kind of person who's
                       good with words, you have a
                       chance to shine on the Net in a
                       way you wouldn't in real life," said
                       Shannon McRae, a Seattle-based
                       researcher on Internet erotica.
                       Actually, the Internet is a place
                       where porn businesses only
                       advertise for customers; the
                       private "bulletin-board" sites must
                       be accessed separately, and
                       usually with a credit card.
                       The industry's defenders say that
                       makes it tougher for children to
                       gain access to its hard-core
                       wares, although critics say online
                       pornography is still far too
                       available to children, who need
                       only say they are 21 to gain
                       access to free sites.
                       Altmann says her customers are
                       mainly young professionals in the
                       Midwest, looking to the virtual
                       version of Times Square.
                       "A lot of computer guys have no
                       social skills and are having
                       cybersex. We're almost a social
                       service to them," she says. 
                       Babes4u, which Altmann runs with
                       partner Steffani Martin, is one of
                       the most technologically
                       sophisticated.
                       A flickering flame and a
                       fast-moving image of a woman
                       unzipping her leather jacket greet
                       users. They can choose to view
                       profiles of what Altmann calls "real
                       New York" models such as the
                       whiskered "Wild Cat" or the
                       tattooed "Rockin' Babe."
                       The models encourage them to
                       pay $19.95 for a 20-minute
                       peep-booth session, where they
                      can watch and direct live models.
                       One recent evening, a model
                       called Tina accommodated
                       viewers' requests by zooming a
                       video camera by remote control
                       and typing responses on a
                       terminal barely visible at screen's
                       edge.
                       Although customers can interact
                       with live women, they view them in
                       a slow, grainy form reminiscent of
                       a 1970s porn flick.
                       "Even the limitations of the
                       technology are part of its appeal:
                       You get the first third of the
                       picture, then the next third and
                       then the last. It's like the screen
                       going up in the booth," said Randy
                       Barrett, who conducted
                       Interactive Week's study. 

                       By Associated Press 

                       Copyright 1998 Associated Press.
                       All rights reserved. This material
                       may not be published, broadcast,
                       rewritten or redistributed

  New sexual revolution taking place on Net

                       "The Net is a double-edged sword,
                       and a very powerful one," says
                       Stanford University psychologist Al
                       Cooper. He'll lead a panel on the
                       topic at the California
                       Psychological Association meeting
                       in San Jose. 

                       Therapists increasingly hear of
                       lonely, isolated people who surf
                       the Net for hours, visiting sexually
                       explicit sites, Cooper says. It
                       seems easier than pursuing
                       relationships, but online sexual
                       encounters can feel hollow and
                       become compulsive, he adds. 

                       Others in unsatisfying marriages
                       may gain just enough tension
                       release through online liaisons or
                       explicit material to keep them
                       locked into bad relationships,
                       Cooper says. 

                       Online communication lacks
                       nonverbal cues that can brake the
                       pace of romantic encounters, says
                       Santa Clara, Calif., psychologist
                       Coralie Scherer. "Everything gets
                       so accelerated. . . . People can
                       have very intense experiences - or
                       very intense falls." 

                       Net flirting isn't risk free, either. "I
                       have clients who were stalked
                       after being in chat rooms, and
                       e-mail isn't secure. Sometimes
                       they can find your address," says
                       Marlene Maheu, a San Diego
                       psychologist. 

                       On the positive side, "if you're a
                       gay man in rural Iowa, if you're
                       disabled, if you're an obese
                       woman who wants to meet men,"
                       the Net can garner suitable
                       partners, Cooper says. 

                       And many profitably use online
                       encounters to explore sexual
                       preferences. "Particularly for
                       women, it's a good place to
                       experiment, to feel freer and not
                       be judged," he says. 

                       By Marilyn Elias, USA TODAY

SEX AND THE INTERNET

"The internet is fast gaining a reputation for the sex and subversion of its sites." ........
'WHAT PC' magazine

The big question is, "Is it just harmless fun?" 

Increasingly, pornography is being found to be addictive, like
a drug. 

"I can't really help myself. I keep going back to it. But
everyone else does it." 

Unfortunately, our minds operate like a computer hard disk, but one which cannot be erased - wiped off. Everything we load into our minds stays there. It slowly changes our
character. It takes over our thinking. It controls us. We stop thinking of people as people. They become objects. Then we can no longer relate to them properly. 

THE TEST

The test for whether we control something, or it
controls us, is this

                         Can YOU stop? 

THE CHALLENGE

Do you want to stop, before your mind and life are completely messed up? 

If you do, there are ways out. It may be difficult. You won't do it by yourself. But you can have help! 

Dare you continue to our help page?

                                Kristin Levine 
 
 

            "Electronic sexual affairs may provide occasions for
            relationship outside the framework of conventional norms. It
            is true that it may allow crude behaviour, but also more
            genuine behaviour. The possibility of sex outside usual norms
            seems a kind of new frontier which awakes the spirit of
            pioneers."
            -- (anonymous reader)
 
 

        Self-Help & Psychology readers have had a lot to say in response to the
        Cybersexual Affair survey. People are continuing to reply to the survey
        and results will be shared soon, but for now we thought you might be
        interested in what people are saying. All comments and survey results
        are anonymous to protect the confidentiality of the writers, but will be
        posted online as we see matches our needs. If you write, it will be
        assumed that you are giving full permission for your responses, but not
        your identity to be shared with the readership of Self-Help &
        Psychology Magazine in future articles. Thank you to those of you who
        sent your thoughts so that we can all take a look at this new
        phenomenon. Here are just a portion of the comments; stay tuned for
        the survey results! 

        At the end of the survey, we asked "is there anything else you would
        like to say about electronic sexual affairs?" 

        AND READERS ANSWERED...

        MALE :
        Errr...yes. I have found that I can explore my sexual fantasies on the
        internet. It is very interesting to read what other people have to say
        about a subject (fantasy) that is close to the heart. I find it also super
        that there is no face to face contact, and therefore no embarassment. I
        am a shy person, and have not had a sexual partner for a while (read
        ages). 

        FEMALE :
        This is a serious threat to marriages, it has affected mine tremendously.
        I had no idea of what I was getting into and had no idea of the damage,
        esp since I never even had a desire to look at another person during my
        marriage of 18 years. Its addictive, I neglected my family. My husband
        wants to hear nothing about the good of internet, all is bad to him, its
        affected his sleep, but I have stopped 'chatting' matter of fact you are
        the first email I have done since Nov 95, and it is without my husband's
        consent or knowledge I write, it's just so important to get out the word
        of the damage that can be done. I would like to see your finished article
        and more on this subject of emotional adultry, as i have heard it called. 

        MALE :
        I would certainly be interested in knowing more about how such a thing
        is done and what if any satisfaction (other than gratification) can come
        from this. 

        MALE :
        I think there may eventually be a realization that some of the very
        lonely people out there will find this as another source of therapy. 

        MALE:
        There might be a dangerous temptation to treat cybersex as a game - as
        if you were interacting with a piece of artificial intelligence software. In
        some cases maybe that *would* be the situation. When the realization
        comes that one is engaged in something not dissimilar to phone sex, then
        maybe this "reality check" could result in sudden feelings of guilt.
        Society has no pre-established mores about cybersex. These are early
        days, and a close eye should be kept on any emerging patterns and
        psychological problems associated with cybersex. 

        MALE :
        Cybersex may fuel the imagination, and could perhaps enhance real sex,
        much in the way a Forum type magazine might. If a relationship were
        strong in the first place, a partner would not stray into those places on
        the internet where cybersex is found. 

        FEMALE :
        CYBERSEX IS NOT A THREAT TO A SOLID RELATIONSHIP...IF
        A CYBERAFFAIR IS ENGAGED IN, THE RELATIONSHIP IS
        WEAK AT SOME CRITICAL POINT ANYWAY... 

        MALE :
        Ihad a monogamous married relationship for almost 25 years when I
        subscribed to a computer service provider and discovered the Gay and
        Lesbian Community Forum and also the various gay and lesbian chat
        rooms. One thing led to another, exchanging male homoerotic gifs,
        meeting, having sex with other men at a local motel. So far, I have not
        fallen in love with any man. I am, however, worried that my wife will
        find out and that our marriage will be jeopardized. 

        FEMALE :
        IMHO, those seeking such contact would do well to address the issue of
        what exactly it is they are trying to accomplish. It would seem that if
        they are already in a relationship, they should address what it is that
        they're not getting out of the relationship that compels them to this
        form of "entertainment." Not doing so is avoiding that "oh-so-scary"
        confrontation, hence not solving anything. If such activity is to find a
        relationship, I would guess that the individual is rather timid and lacking
        in confidence because they are opting for the distance and safety of
        cyberspace as opposed to "the real thing," up close, and personal.
        Again, my opinion, I think such games are somewhat dangerous because
        both the real rewards and the real consequences of a behavior are
        avoided. A false sense of security, as it were. To truly learn, grow, and
        "live" isn't it required that some part of our "real" self be involved? I
        hate to think that we've become such pansies as a species that all of the
        activities that should make us delight in being alive (adventure, human
        contact, sex, etc.) are being sought in the emotional void of cyberspace
        in place of venturing out into the much more threatening, if more
        rewarding space of the real world. 

        MALE :
        Well, I think a lot has to do with both person's understanding of why
        they are having electronic sexual affairs. Is it merely a form of
        pleasure, similar to looking at magazines or movies? Or is it an implied
        suggestion of doing the real thing later on. For some it's a way to be
        with "partners" when they are too shy or otherwise unable to...or it can
        be, especially for males, a boasting point about how many "cybersex"
        experiences they've had. In my opinion, just like making love in "real
        life," if it's completely meaningless and done merely for the sake of one
        of the person's enjoyment only, I'd assume it'd be somewhat boring. But
        if both people want to do it and there's some "net chemistry" there....it
        could be magical too. 

        FEMALE :
        I met a man on the net, we had cyber cuddling, phone sex, eventually
        met and married. He is one of the warmest people I have ever met. He
        has completely fullfilled me. I no longer have cyber affairs. I do have
        friends with whom I once had cybersex, but if they couldn't make the
        switch to platonic friendship, I let them go. I often see Ann Landers or
        Dear Abby writing about cyber affairs and how dangerous they are. I
        think that it wouldn't have been such a big deal if my emotional needs
        were being met with my (then) spouse. The lonely and the busy....90%
        of all computer addicts ::::laugh:::: 

        MALE :
        I feel that cyberspace relations can be very detrimental to relationships.
        When you have a cyberspace relationship you never see the bad things
        that occur in material relationships. It is too easy to compare your
        cyperspace person who seems perfect to an imperfect relationship that
        you would have face to face. IE you never can really tell if a cyperspace
        person has a bad temper or is annoying. All you see is type and not the
        personal emotions attached. I feel it may make a person compare
        relationships even when they are not even close to being comparable. 

        FEMALE :
        My relationship was already in trouble when I found myself spiraling
        into a series of net affairs, but sexual and purely emotional. I was able
        to get emotional fufillment from the people that I met online. I think
        that if it had been for just a short amount of time, I would have gotten
        tired of the shallowness of it. As it was, I was drawn to the intimacy that
        these men were expressing that my (then) husband wouldn't/couldn't. I
        think that in the beginning I saw my net relationships as hope-inspiring.
        Later, they became a symbol that there were people in the rest of the
        world that were not as rejecting as my husband (and my family which
        had taught me to be happy with a cold, rejecting relationship). That
        these people could be entranced by my words and my thought made my
        ego grow strong. I was finding myself loveable and capable. 

        At first my affairs were fairly innocent, even the sexual ones, but when
        I started finding myself really desiring to meet these people and have
        actual physical affairs, I knew that what I really was wanting was
        physical validation of desireablity. 

        During my separation and into my divorce, I found cyber and phone sex
        to be relatively satisfying. 

        I had a non-cyber relationship for a year, but found the demands on my
        time to be excessive and the payback too small. I work in the type of
        job that sucks a hundred percent out of you. 

        MALE :
        Electronic sexual affairs can take on different forms. The two
        individuals can 'dare' one another to do things, they can write fantasy
        stories together with varying levels of eroticism, etc. By the elecronic
        connection, one is protected from physical/health harm and from some
        kinds of emotional risks -- rejection based on appearance (when photos
        aren't exchanged, or even if they are!), inability or unwillingness to
        "perform," etc. It is easier to say "no" but once an affair gets going
        one does sometimes feel an obligation to "play along" for awhile.
        Because the relationship is based only on what is typed on a screen, in
        some ways it requires even more trust than a standard sexual affair
        because you are opening up a part of yourself -- private fantasies that
        may be difficult to communicate to a partner in-person. 

        FEMALE :
        I believe that they are safer, especially because of the deadliness of
        sexually transmitted diseases, you are not endangering your partner
        with your extracurricular activities. I think that it is a healthier form of
        sexual expression and it allows people to try things that they normally
        wouldn't (i.e. homosexual sex, B & D, etc.). 

        MALE :
        I would like to find a woman young, old, any race who would correspond
        with me via email to discuss sexual fantasies and the erotic situtations
        now missing from my life. This would provide me (a man in my early
        50's) with a safe way to fantasize and remember the things I most
        enjoyed with real sex without having to physically "cheat" on my wife
        who has not had sex with me in over 3 years. She keeps saying "We're
        too old for that," while I still have sexual desires and needs. But since I
        am uncomfortable with the idea of looking for another woman to satisfy
        my needs physically, I can at least fantasize and self satisfy my sexual
        needs. 

        Obviously this is not the most satisfying approach...but at least it is safe
        in today's world. I guess I'm unusual as a man, since everyone seems to
        think that men's sexual desires and capabilities diminish with age...mine
        haven't. I'm healthy & sexually potent, but at least I can still enjoy
        fantasies. 

        A friend's wife had an excellent attitude...she always said; "When a
        woman stops looking at or fantasizing about men, she might as well be
        dead, but when a man stops looking at or fantasizing about women, HE
        IS DEAD!" As far as I know she has always remained monogamous, but
        you could always see the twinkle in her eye as she looked at her man or
        someone else attractive to her. 

        So, I guess I have to say in summary that Cybersex is good for some
        people, male or female, who need to enjoy their fantasies without
        damaging their relationships with others. Good, Clean, Safe Sex. 

        MALE :
        There are always risks in relationships be they physical, email or
        otherwise. The risks in email are not the usual ones in every instance.
        There is no HIV or STDs or rape or similar. The other risks still apply.
        Except in unusual sets of circumstances, email relationships are viewed
        by a married partner the same as a "real" physical relationship. It's still
        considered cheating. 

        However, email cheating is easier to accomplish, less likely to be
        discovered and for the most part, much cheaper to accomplish. The
        downside is that email or chats or IRC "cybersex" is never really,
        *really* satisfying even in the short-term sense. On an intellectual level
        or on a in-the-gutter level, cybersex can be easy or hard, fast or slow,
        long-term or short-term.. but it can never be real. There's no touching
        to convey love... no kissing to convey emotion... no hugging to show one
        really cares. Cybersex can lead to real sex between the participants but
        more likely the the reality is that cybersex gets people steamed up
        enough to make real sex with real life partners more enjoyable... even
        if not ordinarily so. In my opinion, the REAL risk in email relationships
        is forgetting that the relationship is virtual. The real risk is to mental
        health and well-being... substituting virtual for reality. 

        Some of us use email to gain intellectual intimacy with others on
        different levels entirely and the sexual parts of a relationship may, or
        may not surface at all. I personally look to email relationships for
        discussions of various subjects on an equal level with mine that my
        real-life partner is incapable of; in intellect or interest. That is not to
        say that sexual innuendo or teasing or even discussions or stories or
        poetry hasn't happened more than once. ;+) 

        MALE :
        Ibelieve that anything people do to please another (sexually) is good. I
        have had 3 Email relationships, and I truly enjoyed my experiences. 

        MALE :
        I find nothing wrong with it as long as there is some integrity involved.
        As in, not doing it behind a trusting partner's back. I think cybersex is a
        legitimate form of sexual release for people who may otherwise not be
        able to. It is discreet and safe. 

        MALE:
        Iwould like to have the experience of a electronic cyber-sexual affair. I
        have come to realize that I enjoy the medium and am good at
        expressing my thoughts, feelings, and desires and I truly enjoy sharing
        myself others by words or in person. Any relationship seeks to be
        consummated in or by one form or another. Cybersex leaves the fantasy
        intact, but it is hard to fully complete the circle and never quite satiates
        one's soul. But that's life sometimes... One last thought: How to
        measure your life is to ask yourself "What have you learned and Whom
        have you Loved?" 

        FEMALE :
        A cybersexual affair was a real wake-up call in my life. I had been
        married for 20 years, happily I thought, but was lonely in my life. I made
        friends on the net and rapidly found the sexual undercurrent to be
        intriguing. And it felt safe enough at first, but within a year I was having
        some of the most exciting sex I'd ever experienced. It really is true
        what they say about the mind being the most powerful sex organ. My
        husband said he didn't mind as long as it stayed on the net, but he had
        no idea (neither did I in the beginning) that it was any different than
        reading a playboy/girl. I had only two e-sex partners and one was just
        like having bad sex in real life: self-centered on his part and not very
        exciting and I found myself faking an orgasm over the computer and
        thought I had totally lost my mind. My other partner, though, met my
        deepest fantasies in spades and it progressed to phone sex, although we
        never met. 

        So what do I think of cybersexual affairs? I know it's real sex. Just like
        you can have physical sex with an absent partner (mentally) you can
        have mental sex with an absent physical partner. And I have no doubts
        about which is sexier. Are they dangerous? Yes. They are real
        emotional affairs, although it took me risking my marriage to realize
        this was no game I was in. This could hurt people. So I stopped my two
        year on-line relationship with my e-lover and it felt like someone died
        but I couldn't even show my pain to my family or friends because it was
        so secret. The secret stuff is the destroyer of partnerships - you split
        into another life when you hide a part of your life from your partner. I
        learned I am capable of loving more than one person, but that I can't
        live that way. I also learned that there were things in my marriage that
        I needed badly and didn't know it till I experienced them elsewhere. All
        of this was learning and it helped my marriage in the long run. 

        Sexual affairs are sexual affairs are sexual affairs. We can learn from
        them (heck, I'd never had any partner except my husband in my life
        before this!) and we can be hurt by them. I guess it's safer than having
        a physical affair in some ways. I can still say I've only slept with one
        man. But I have certainly been made love to by others. Is it bad? Heck
        no. I would have maybe had a physical affair without it. Is it good? It's
        another chance to learn about oneself in relationships with others. But a
        deceptive one because it is not as safe as it appears. 

        MALE :
        Cybersex is a major threat to the primary relationship. It can serve only
        to weaken the real relationship. I am writing a book on the subject and
        am in the research stage now. My primary goal in writing this book is to
        blow the entire subject out of the closet and onto every TV screen and
        talk show in the country. Think I've had some experience with this? Yes
        you are right. Right now my "wife" is getting ready to go to a "party."
        I'm going with her. There will be several of her cybersex partners there
        and I am not supposed to know. All I am supposed to know is that they
        are new friends she has met through the net. Well I was involved with
        the net before it was fashionable to have an email address so I know.
        Anyway there is my comment, negative as it may seem. 
                                                                                             

Copyright © 1994-1999
by Pioneer Development Resources, Inc. 
All rights reserved. 
 

        Totol number of submissions: [1423] 

          1.In general, are cyber-sexual affairs safer than physical ones?
                [673] Yes
                [229] No
                [387] Sometimes
                [134] Uncertain

          2.Are cyber-sexual affairs more acceptable than physical affairs within
            monogamous partnerships?
                [393] Yes
                [626] No
                [241] Sometimes
                [144] Uncertain

          3.Can people engage in real sex by net interaction?
                [472] Yes
                [618] No
                [171] Sometimes
                [143] Uncertain

          4.Do you know someone who has had a cyber affair?
                [941] Yes
                [416] No
                [09] Sometimes
                [38] Uncertain

          5.Do you believe that cybersex is likely to lead to physical sex?
                [384] Yes
                [140] No
                [768] Sometimes
                [72] Uncertain

                a. With the same person?
                    [537] Yes
                    [193] No
                    [555] Sometimes
                    [119] Uncertain

                b. With another person?
                    [313] Yes
                    [265] No
                    [609] Sometimes
                    [217] Uncertain

          6.Is cybersex a threat to traditional relationships?
                [593] Yes
                [353] No
                [367] Sometimes
                [91] Uncertain

          7.Can a cybersex affair with another enhance a person's primary
            relationship?
                [366] Yes
                [474] No
                [370] Sometimes
                [204] Uncertain

          8.Is the net an acceptable place to meet a sexual partner?
                [428] Yes
                [397] No
                [426] Sometimes
                [153] Uncertain

          9.Can cybersex be as satisfying as physical sex?
                [197] Yes
                [743] No
                [300] Sometimes
                [145] Uncertain

         10.What gender are you?
                [511] Male
                [883] Female

         11.Is there anything else you would like to say about cyber-sexual affairs?
                Click here to view Opinions in Favor of Cybersex!!
                Click here to view Opinions Opposed to Cybersex!! 

         12.Are you *In Favor Of* or *Opposed To* this issue?
                [918] In Favor Of
                [486] Opposed To

             *** By including comments, the reader gives permission for
              anonymous quotes to be used in the report of results. ***