Now, look back on your answers....If you had more than 3 yes answers...
if your total to questions 1 and 2 equals higher than 10 and if you circled more than three symbols.... then you better get in here to #ircaholics on the undernet at once for daily treatment. And in the eantime,
remember you are as guilty as a heroin pusher if you introduce
ANYBODY to this particular form of self-abuse, so keep your account
to yourself!!!!!! 

                   I used to watch TV, I used to cook Mex, 
               I think I remember...yeah, I used to have SEX!
                 I used to walk upright, now roll on my chair, 
             Tho' it causes the neighborhood children to stare.

                      I wanted to travel around on the Net,
                  Been too busy chatting to get on there yet.
             I wanted to spreadsheet, word process, or paint, 
                 But gettin' on with them is just what I ain't!

                      So much to learn and I wanted to but 
                   I'm too busy chatting and splitting a gut, 
                      Talkin' and listenin'...is it such a sin? 
                   Oh, gawd, what a fix I have got myself in!

                 Then up pops a name on my neat Buddy List,
                   Think I'll go out and give HIS tail a twist!
                  And in comes an IM from some weirdo guy
                 I cuss 'im, insult 'im, and tell him "bye bye".

                  Is there a 12 step, support group, or such?
                 For those of us folks who chat on too much?
                If there was a group, I would like it just fine,
                  Except that it prob'ly would be here online!

            Are there therapists here? I think that I saw some 
              Its got me, its got me, its power is AWESOME. 
                 It's my new computer, I've had it one week, 
                 Now I look in the mirror and I see a "geek".

                   Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs,
           Please help me, please help me, please get me offline!
                   Or better, please Email a burger and fries
                  Cause I'm Stayin on Line at least Till I Die.

1. How many times have you checked your e-mail today?
2. How often do you wonder who's written you on e-mail?
3. How often do you ask other people to use their terminals to check 
    your e-mail?
4. How often do you ask people to send you e-mail?
5. How often do you send e-mail to someone who lives right next 
    door to you?
   or is in the same room as you? Someone you see everyday?
6. Do you search your addressbook for someone new to e-mail that 
    you barely know? Or don't know at all?
7. Do you get more excited when someone e-mails you, rather than 
    writing a letter or calling by phone?
8. Have you ever e-mailed someone you don't know, and have never 
    even seen before, just to make some smart-ass comment and see if 
    you get a  response?
9. Do you spend friday or saturday nights in front of your computer
    screen on e-mail or the internet?
10. Do you call people just to get their e-mail address, and then hang
      up, only to e-mail them immediately afterwards.
11. Do you have other people e-mail people you've e-mailed just to
      encourage them to get on their asses and e-mail you back?
12. Do you write senseless things on e-mail late at night or in the 
      day and send them to friends just for the hell of it?
13. Do you call people just to tell them you e-mailed them, and then 
      hang up so they can read their e-mail, and hopefully respond?
14. Does e-mail and the internet distract you from obligations and 
      time spent with loved ones?
15. Do you find yourself sitting in front of the screen wondering 
      what new, screwed up types of things you can put on the interne 

Doc addtion:

1.   Do you balance your check book using a lotus spreadsheet
     file?
2.   Do you do your taxes on lotus?
3.   Do you email people in the same office as you?
4.   Are you a technical harasser?  (which means, do you change other
     peoples passwords, colors and other dinky things.  This means you binky)
 

      Top 10 Signs that You've Overdosed on The World
                                                   Wide Web
 

10. Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?" 
9. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see
"Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on one of the clouds. 
8. You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally
depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no
links. 
7. You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your
wedding day. 
6. One of your best friends is Mirsky, and you've never met
him. 
5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you
hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards
the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky
cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back"
button. 
4. You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything"
again and again and again. 
3. Your dog has his own webpage. 
2. So does your hamster. 
And the number 1 sign that you have overdosed on the World
Wide Web: 

1. When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to
click on the underlined passages.
 
 

If you answered yes to any of these problems, get you ass away
from the computer screen and take a long walk!!! You're
pathetic!!!! You have a serious problem with this whole e-mail
thing, and are addicted to modern technology, having your
mind, and voice sucked out of you. Do you even interact with
people anymore? Be careful, stopping cold turkey can be very
dangerous-serious withdrawls can occur, leaving a person
twitching, and typing into thin air, senselessly mumbling
addresses and passwords that have been changed. Please go
see someone about this problem. Addiction to the internet is
serious, and can be as threatening as alcohol or drug addiction.
If you or someone you know has an internet dependancy,
please contact some professionals at e-mail:
 

As you probably know, the world wide web has become the focal point of
much interactivity. Who'd ever thought clicking on a mouse would be as
significant as landing on the moon. But just how much interactivity is going
on at a given time is anybody's guess. To measure the total number of hits that
the entire internet receives on a daily basis would be a daunting task. Suffice
it to say that connectivity leads to lots of interactivity. One solution,
however, would be to take a sampling of this interactivity and extrapolate
some sort of psychological profile of the average internet user.

And what would this profile tell us about ourselves? Well, for one thing it
might show us how addicted to interactivity we really are. Can anyone often
any other plausible reason why the internet has suddenly become so popular
that people who previously had no desire to own a computer are suddenly
finding the urge to buy one?

We are constantly subjecting ourselves to irrelevant information because of
our need to interact with a hypertexted word, icon, imagemap or button. GUI
(Graphical User Interface) has become GCI (Got to Click It). Our addiction
to irrelevant information is in reality an addiction to interactivity. You can
help Dr. Eco Lem obtain valuable data supporting his claim while satisfying
your addiction to interactivity at the same time. Simply click on Dr. Eco
Lem's Addicted to Interactivity Test to participate in a study that will sure
to become part of internet history and modern day enlightenment.

1/.Someone of a different gender steals your nick? 
2/.You hit return then see your private chat in the main window. 
3/.You send a sweet message to someone on your notify list, and they
don't know who the hell you are? 
4/.You finally get comfortable with your Mirc and they come out with
another upgrade? 
5/.Your ISP decides to shut down for maintenance right in the middle of
an important chat? 
6/.You install a separate line for your computer, and your telephone
never stops ringing? 
7/.Some wise guy op keeps putting your nickname in the channel topic?

        LOG ON: Loading up the woodstove 

         LOG OFF: Tamping down the woodstove

         DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the truck

         MEGAHERTZ: What you get if you aren't careful when
      downloading

         FLOPPY DISK: Ailment caused by carrying too much
      firewood

         HARD DRIVE: What you do in the truck in the winter

         CHIP: Potato snack often served with pretzels and beer 

         MICRO-CHIP: Found in the bottom of the chip bag

         LAPTOP: Place the dog likes to sit

         MOUSE: critter that the cat chases

         RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: What you use, when
      describing the size of the fish you caught
 

      While no one WE know is addicted to the internet, in the
      interest of public awareness, we are making public these
      symptoms to point out to our members some of the sure signs of
      Internet Addiction.

      You are probably addicted to the Internet if:

        You find yourself dreaming in HTML. 

        You start typing a "com" after each period on your
      word-processor.com

        All of your friends have an "@" somewhere in their names.

         You will not call your mother, because she doesn't have a
      modem, or e-mail address.

        You immediately check your email again, if the first time it
      says "no messages". 

         Your phone bill weighs 30 lbs or more.

         You tell the cabbie http://321 Main Street/residence.htm.

        If you just tried to look up the address given in the previous
      symptom. 

        You install a second computer, modem and phone line, so
      you can spend some quality time with your spouse.

         If, when your modem breaks, you put the phone line up to
      your mouth, and make raspberries trying to get connected.

      And the one sure way to tell if you are addicted: 

        When, after making raspberries in last symptom... you DO
      get connected!

       Joe Mullich, AmericanWay Magazine, 11/15/94.
 
 

  1.Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book.
    The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line
    services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of
    the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded
    that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead. 
  2.You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
    device on your body beep or buzz. 
  3.You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
    because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with
    laser printers. 
  4.You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to
    send your father a birthday card. 
  5.You disdain people who use low baud rates. 
  6.When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
    talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the
    next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the
    salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head. 
  7.You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
    thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it. 
  8.You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the
    phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean,
    and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain
    it. 
  9.You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own
    social security number. 
 10.You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number,"
    since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged
    into contraptions that talk to other contraptions. 
 11.You sign Christmas cards by putting 

    :-)

    next to your signature. 
 12.Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols
    that are far more clever than 

    :-)

 13.You back up your data every day. 
 14.Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and
    you return with a rest for your mouse. 
 15.You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid. 
 16.On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
    faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels. 
 17.The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your
    mind. 
 18.You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic
    town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway,"
    but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
 19.You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit
    hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house
    without looking up the street names. 
 20.You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon. 
 21.You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
    something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that
    you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information
    about the product it is selling. 
 22.You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and
    three-and-a-half-inch sizes. 
 23.Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow. 
 24.You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where
    they are. 
 25.While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries,
    you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old. 
 26.You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough
    to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question
    instead of feeling compelled to make something up. 
 27.You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
    tires. 
 28.You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own
    turns bread into charcoal. 
 29.You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions
    about which is better -- the track ball or the track pad. 
 30.You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend,
    technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that
    you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop. 

  1. Your wife wants a diamond for her birthday, and you get her a Diamond  Stealth Video Card.

  2. You know what PPP, SLIP, HTML & FTP mean...but darned if you can remember your wife's maiden name.

  3. You sit in front of the tv...trying to type at a keyboard.

  4. You find out that hemmorhoids aren't THAT painful, as long as you're on the 'Net.

  5. When someone yells out "What's for supper?" you do a search for SUPPER.COM.

  6. You suspect there's a virus in your mashed potatoes.

  7. If you smoke away from the machine, you notice that the breaks are getting shorter and less frequent.

  8. The optometrist looks deep in your eyes, and sees a screen saver.

  9. You finally save up enough to visit the Grand Canyon, and you can't help but wonder how it would look on a 21" SVGA.

 10. "Not tonight, I have a headache" has been replaced with "Not tonight, I finally got connected".

 11. Your computer room has a better air conditioner than your bedroom.

 12. You wonder if you can install your own fiber optics telephone line to your server.

 13. You speak of "Your Server" with the same reverence you used to reserve for your Doctor.

 14. You never met the guy, but you've already decided on a plan to assasinate Bill Gates.
 

 15. You sit in front of the computer reading idiotic cyber stand up comedy like this.