I took a walk down Broadmead, despairing of the rat race
In a pokey back yard without a name I spotted the old woman’s place
Pretty fair maids in their dozens came out all hand in hand
With rich business men and each girl’s hair was tied up with a black velvet band
And her teeth they were like starlight; they came out at night in her hand
And I’ll tell you how I came to be tied up with a black velvet band

I couldn’t believe my fortune: an escape from drudgery
To be introduced to such a place, for a fast food purveyor like me
In my imagination, I could see myself hand in hand
With a pretty fair maid with long blond hair tied up with a black velvet band
But her teeth they were like starlight; they came out at night in her hand
And I’ll tell you how I came to be tied up with a black velvet band

"Mastercard or Visa?" were the first words they asked to me
And the menu was very different from the one I used to see
It was in a kind of English, but the words I did not understand
Except the very cheepest something about a black velvet band
And her teeth they were like starlight; they came out at night in her hand
And I’ll tell you how I came to be tied up with a black velvet band

The girl I awaited so eagerly, to serve me in my stall
Turned out to be the ugly old hag I’d served a Big Mac fries and all
"All that you’ll get for those shillings you’re clutching so tight in your hand
Is to lay down here beside me, tied up with a black velvet band"
And her teeth they were like starlight; they came out at night in her hand
And I’ll tell you how I came to be tied up with a black velvet band

So come all you jolly young fellows, a warning take by me
Work until you’ve a credit card - AmEx, Visa or DC.
Don’t rely on loose change, the kind you can hold in your hand
Or you’ll end up next to some ugly old hag, tied up with a black velvet band
And her teeth they were like starlight; they came out at night in her hand
And that is how I came to be tied up with a black velvet band