21st Century Morris Man

I've seen them a-coming in from the villages and towns
Some dressed like undertakers, some dressed like clowns
Some in starched white and others in rags
Some by shankses pony and some in their jags

In case you're still wondering what this about
As you hear their loud yelps and their sticks give a clout
As they dance year on year and still come back again
They're the Twenty-First Century Morris Men.

There's youths and youthesses and wee bits o' bairns
Parents and grandparents with various names
And in case you're not clear let me say it again:
'They're not all called Morris and not all of them's Men.'

The Cotswolds' white linen with their hankies and bells
And the Borders' black faces with rags, sticks and spells
The Northwesterners' clogs sounding out a loud welt
And a pewter pint tankard hangs from every belt.

They come to the folk-fair this time every year
To fill all the folkies with mirth and good cheer
But the locals they look and they stand and they stare
'By heck they've no street cred at all,' they do jeer.

Don't you try to ape them, without all the gear
Or you'll stick out a mile and get a thick ear
From the modern young morriser now he's full grown 
With his baldricks and bells and his mobile phone

For a Morris Man's life is not what it once was
As he travels the country from festivals to shows
And performs well outside of his own native zone
With his baldricks and bells and his mobile phone

There are steps he's to master and moves to get right
The squire to obey and the bagman to keep sweet
Shepherd's Hey to download as a Nokia ring tone
With his baldricks and bells and his mobile phone

But the Morris Men's numbers are dwindling with time
And the dances get hard when the side's down to nine
With the image a problem for the modern young man
And that's why he dances so far from his home

Though women do dance now in this century
And they dance it like heck for their fertility
The modern young Morris Man they'll have to clone
With his baldricks and bells and his mobile phone
The modern young Morris Man they'll have to clone
With his baldricks and bells and his mobile phone.