FASTER THAN A STATIONARY BULLET

The Advertising Standards Authority's to blame
  Now every word in adverts must be true
Facts can't make me as happy, now honesty's the thing,
  As their bogus claims once used to do.

No claims to refresh parts of you that remain undefined
  To cheer the supermarket shoppers' hearts
Assertions that are verifiable now is the law
  Like baked bean tins that tell you beans means farts.

This new detergent we have made is just the thing for you
  Put it in your wash and you will see
The whites that got so muddy will come out whiter than
  A dirty dish cloth, this we guarantee.

Catch the train on Monday if your journey is quite long
  And traffic jams just stick within your gullet
We promise that your train will take you where you want to be
  Faster than a stationary bullet.

My renewal is impending and I don't know how to choose
  A claim I could rely on would be nice
Ah, here is one that I can trust to help me to decide:
  We guarantee to beat a dearer price.

I've a parcel to deliver so to Yellow Pages turn
  This advert I am so relieved to see:
When it absolutely, positively, certainly must reach
  Its destination eventually.

It is years since this all started and life has turned quite dull
  But I've learned to take it all without a frown
I may not get good service or be thrilled with what I've bought
  But I know at least I'll never be let down.