It was my fault. Everything was. Dad leaving was my fault, mom’s illnesses, my best friend’s murder, and the fact that my whole family hates me, is my fault! I just can’t stand this anymore! Ugh, there I go again! Just thinking about myself! I’m so confused! They tell me that I’m all about me and then blame me for our problems when I’m only out there trying to save the world. Why should I let this get to me, I don’t know? I do so much for the world and everyone in it that if they only saw how much I truly don’t think about myself. But now I have given that up just to be with my mother because she is in the hospital right now. I know that’s all my fault. She told me that one-day my behavior would send her straight to the emergency room. Well, that day had come.

This all started back in 1997. That was the year my life had changed . . .

My best friend, Lisa, who was the coolest girl in the whole world, and I would hang out practically everyday! They called us inseparable, but that statement soon proved to be false when one day I came upon this book. It just literally appeared out of nowhere. After examining this unusual book, I found out the power it contained. But the book wasn’t the only thing that contained the power of the chosen. As it turns out, so did I. Blessed with extraordinary abilities beyond human explanation and the willpower to start and finish any battle, I did what the dreams told me to do. The dreams came often. Those and the cramps are what guided me. I didn’t have a watcher like Buffy, or a book on monsters and how to destroy them, or even a bunch of friends to help me. No the TV’s version of the slayer is totally false. I never had a watcher, if only I did, I had to figure out how to destroy these creatures myself, and my only friend was Lisa, but she never helped me defeat any of these demons. I couldn’t put her in danger like that, but as it turns out she was already in danger.

My family had pretty much abandoned me all together now. It was bad before I began my career of slaying, but it got worse every day. My father divorced my mother only months later, my schoolwork had been neglected causing me to drop out totally, and my mom started getting really sick. She was also sick of fighting. Fighting with me, fighting with her illness, she just kept fighting with the world. I was told numerous times that it was my fault from my own family and the guilt practically trampled me. If it weren’t for Lisa, though, I would have killed myself long ago. She used to tell me everyday that it wasn’t my fault, and that illnesses are not caused by that, but deep down I knew that being a bad child that I had driven my mother out of her mind.

Last year though, I started to not even care at all. I’d just hang out with Lisa all of the time. Her home was my other home. We got into bands together and went to the mall practically every day. The biggest thing I can still remember, was Hanson. That was the only thing she ever talked about. She dragged me to one of their concerts! It was horrible! I was never into the pop scene, but nor did I have time to be in any scene except for the vampire one! Anyway though she was obsessed. Lisa would make me laugh when she told me her secret fantasies of Taylor Hanson! It was always so funny. I miss her. Sitting here now I can still hear her giggling. But that was then. She is dead now, and it’s all because of me She was murdered by a vampire, the master in fact, because she tried to save me from them. I remember it so clearly. I wish I could forget that night.

I couldn’t save her. I can’t save my mother either. We had come here to get away from that place, and to start a new. To start fresh and here we were in our new house, the first week, and I’ve already sent her back to the hospital. It’s my fault. It’s gotta be. I’m the troublemaker, and now I’m paying for it.

Pacing in my unfinished living room, I tried to shut the idea of my mom dying and Lisa and the vampires out of my mind. Lisa was gone forever I had to except that, my mom had genetically inherited the disease cancer, and I had retired from slaying. I stopped slaying so I could pay attention to my family, and soon (to be) my schoolwork. Then why did I still feel so guilty?

Ok, so things were bad before, but how do I just let it all go like that? In actuality it’s not as easy to just let go. It was going to take so much time to heal. My thoughts kept drifting back to my sick mother and how my very own brother blamed me too, for her being there. I just couldn’t take this. If I wasn’t the slayer, if I had only paid more attention to those around me, if I hadn’t been so self absorbed, if . . . All of these ifs ran through my head like a speeding subway train. I had to forget them all, but how was I supposed to do that when I had no one to turn to?

Fighting back the urge to cry, I walked out my back door to the woods in my backyard. The summer air was warm and breezy like the previous week had been. It would’ve been nice to actually be able to enjoy it, but I just couldn’t. Millions of thoughts ran through my mind as I walked through the forest behind my house. The leaves blew against the wind and rustled under their branches. It was almost a serene feeling to be able to smell fresh air and taste the freshly mowed lawns from miles away. The onion- y smell overtaking your nostrils and clogging your veins. Onions reminded me of garlic and garlic only reminded me of vampires. Well, the movie vampires. The real vampires were a lot more dangerous. They weren’t afraid of garlic or of crosses or even hurt by holy water! The only things that could actually kill them were something, anything, through the heart or sunlight. Their hearts were the only living thing in their bodies. Their bodies themselves were dead, but seemed to be frozen in time. Their age never continued, but their minds grew over the years and they became smarter. Damnit, there I go again thinking of vampires. Vampires are what got me into trouble in the first place. If it weren’t for them! Those bastards! I can’t talk about this anymore!

Shaking the thoughts from my head I continued my little hike. It was starting to calm me down somewhat, but all I felt at the present moment was guilt and loneliness. The leaves closest to the forest floor brushed against my bare legs sending cold chills up my spine. I put my hands down my gray short pockets as my brown sandals clapped the hard dirt on the path. The sun above the canopy of leaves shown just well enough through the branches to let the rays beat down on my head. I got hotter and hotter as I walked faster through the trees to a large rock that seemed to mark the middle of the woods. The sun cascaded through the trees and down onto the rock illuminating it. Immediately the picture in front of me made me think of a fairy tale scene. I suddenly wished that I were a princess wearing a marvelous gown parading through the forest with flowers in my hair and a white unicorn at my side. I shook my head again to clear the all too happy image out of my head and sat down on the rock. I folded my knees to my chest and laid my head down on my arms that crossed themselves on top of my knees. I could feel the sun beating on the back of my red tank top making me begin to sweat. It was getting hot again I could tell. But I was more hot than I was tired. I started to close my eyes but I could feel the tears rise up in my throat again as the picture of my mother in a hospital bed appeared in my mind. I fought back the urge to cry. In fact I told myself that I refused to cry. It wasn’t in my nature. I just couldn’t do that, well, at least not in front of anyone else. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I about had a heart attack.

That’s when the cramps started. For some reason as soon as I got startled like that, my stomach began to hurt a little. Dismissing it, I spun around to see a boy staring at me. My brownish red hair rested upon my shoulders as I stared at him in return. He looked harmless, friendly, but yet very familiar. The sun above us faded behind a cloud and it got a little colder. This boy looked about my age, with a very sincere and strikingly handsome face. He noticed that he had scared me and was now blushing profusely. I thought it was in a way kind of cute because it showed that he was shy and sensitive. I waited for him to respond first because he was the one that snuck up on me. Besides at this point my own voice had escaped my throat. Finally he spoke to me.