Library - two days later - evening

"Must feel good to be back at home with your Mom." Xander shifted nervously on his feet. He was trying to make small talk with Buffy, but it wasn't working.

"Yeah."

"Maybe we can all go to the Bronze after this and hang?" Xander was getting desperate. He knew from Willow that all of Buffy's memories were starting to come back, but if any feelings or memories of their friendship were surfacing, Buffy wasn't saying.

"No thanks." Buffy didn't know how long she could keep this up, memories of Xander had started a few days ago and as each chapter of their friendship was revealed to her, her resolve to stay mad at him started to fade. She now knew what was behind his outbursts. Fear. Fear for her safety. She might not like his tactics, but she couldn't fault the motivation behind them. He was her friend. He had risked his life time and again for her, and she knew he would again. Now if he could only control his mouth.

"Yeah...Ok...maybe some other time." Xander wandered over to where Cordelia was listlessly leafing through a book.

"Struck out again?" Cordelia had watched Buffy give Xander the cold shoulder...again.

*What was wrong with Buffy? Didn't she see that Xander was genuinely sorry? God, get over it Buff! She had no problem forgiving Angel when he went all psycho killer! That girl's got priority problems. Boy, was she going to feel stupid when Xander found a cure for Angel. If they ever found a cure!*

"I don't get it, I grovel, I beg, I crawl. What more does any girl want?"

"Maybe just a little sincerity, Xander."

"But I am being sincere, Cordy, witness me, Sincere Boy!"

"Once you find a cure for Angel, then maybe she'll forgive you."

"Great we'll all be old and gray by then, well, everyone but Angel that is." Xander plopped down beside Cordy and laid his head on the table.

Without thinking, Cordelia began to stroke the back of his head.

"Don't worry, Xander, we'll find the cure. I'm not cutting into my beauty sleep time for nothing."

Xander froze. He didn't want to call any attention to what she was doing. He was afraid she would stop. They have been researching nights, taking books from the library, surfing the net and visiting Magic stores from here to LA. They had re-established a tentative friendship and found themselves talking on the phone daily even when they weren't researching. They talked about Xander's direction in life now that he wasn't going to college, they talked about Cordelia's plans now that she couldn't go to college. They had formed something that their previous relationship was missing. Friendship.

"Do you see what I see?" Willow kicked Oz who was sitting by her terminal.

"I see, I just can't believe it." Oz watched as Cordelia continued to pat Xander's head.

"Do you think we should get Giles over here?"

"And we need Giles because..." Oz didn't get where Willow was going with this.

Obviously she's possessed." Willow watched in amazement as Xander playfully went to tickle Cordelia. She wagged a finger at him and frowned, then broke into a big smile. She guiltily looked around and Willow quickly looked at her screen. She was happy for Xander, she knew he hadn't been very happy since he and Cordelia had broken up. There was only a little, tiny part of her that wasn't too happy, but that part was fading fast.

"Will wonders never cease?" This came from Buffy who joined Oz and Willow by the computer; she too had noticed Xander and Cordelia.

"Not on the Hellmouth, they won't. Is Angel coming?" Willow hadn't seen Angel since Giles had explained Buffy being back.

"How would I know, he doesn't come around, he doesn't call, I guess he had gotten used to me being dead." Buffy was trying to fight the misery that threatened to consume her. She had remembered just about everything that had to do with Angel. Those memories were the strongest, so they had come back first. She didn't understand why he was totally avoiding her, she knew where the mansion was but she vowed to herself that she wouldn't be the one to go to him.

"That's not true, Buffy! You said yourself that he almost killed himself when he thought you were gone, he loves you! He's just doing his usual Angel thing!" Willow didn't know what the vampire's problem was, but she wanted to kick his ass! Buffy had suffered enough, couldn't she just be happy for once!

"Yeah Buff, he loves you more than anything. Life, his life, only has meaning because you're in it." This came from Xander who had wandered over.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence guys, but I don't know anymore. You would think that if he loved me so much, that now that I'm back, he would be knocking down the door to see me. I know we have...issues, but we were dealing before, so what happened?" Buffy couldn't help the tears that sprang into her eyes.

"Just go over there and knock him down and make him talk!" Willow thought the time for gentle conversation was over, this situation called for action.

"No, not this time, Will. Everytime we part, I end up over there, usually against my better judgement. I'm not doing it this time, if he wants to talk, then he knows where to find me. If not, well I guess I'll have to deal and move on." Buffy picked up the nearest book. "In the meantime...on to the research."

"Giles, when do we get to spring Buffy on Faith? Cause, I want front row seats! This is going to be better than Celebrity Death Match!" Xander couldn't wait to see the expression on Faith's and the Mayor's face when they saw Buffy...alive.

Giles had been in his office the whole time, he had overheard the conversation about Angel. He felt sorry for Buffy, but assumed what Angel's reasons for staying away were and his respect for the vampire grew. Not everyone was strong enough to let the thing they love most go.

"With Graduation a week away, I say that would be the perfect opportunity to 'spring' Buffy, as you put it Xander, on both Faith and the Mayor. We have gathered enough information on the Ascension to have somewhat of an idea of what to expect. I believe with the cooperation of the students, we can defeat them." Giles took his glasses off and looked away from Buffy. "I have devised a plan, but we will need Angel's help, he's the only one strong enough to back Buffy up. I need to finalize the plan, so do I have any volunteers to go over to Angel's and update him on current events?"

Everyone looked at everyone else, and then they looked at Buffy.

"Not me, I'm not doing it, he'll only think I'm there to see him or something." Buffy was shaking her head no.

"But, honey, it's late and your friends might get hurt going or coming from his house, maybe you should go." No one had noticed Joyce come in. They all turned to look at her; she was holding one of Buffy's hundred jackets.

"Here, I brought you your jacket, it was getting a little cool outside and I thought you might need it." She glanced at her watch. "It's getting late, why don't you run over to Angel's, I'll go home and make us some hot chocolate, then we can talk when you get home." She placed the jacket over Buffy's shoulders and kissed her on the head.

"Bye, honey. Don't be too late." Joyce smiled at everyone and left.

"Was that just my mother or have the pod people finally taken over?" Buffy was stunned. Her mother was encouraging her to go to Angel's house? The Master must be strapping on his ice skates as they spoke.

Giles suspected Joyce's motives, he was guilty of the same crime. He hoped Buffy didn't ask why he couldn't just call Angel and update him.

"Well, I guess I'm off to Angel's, any message I should give him?" She directed her question to Giles. Everyone else answered.

"Tell him to get over himself!" This came from Cordelia.

"Tell him you're so over the brooding thing," Willow piped in.

"Tell him to quit being a big, whiny cootie and face you!" Xander had to get one more in, but he toned it down.

Everyone looked at Oz.

"Tell him to...live in the now, it may be the only opportunity any of us get to live." Oz's statement spurred Buffy on and out the door.

"How do you come up with these things?" Xander was one upped again.

Angel stared into the flames, almost two weeks had gone by and he hadn't seen Buffy. He knew from Giles that her memories were almost all back now. The memories of their time together had come back first. That made him happy and depressed at the same time. He knew what he was doing was for the best, but it was so hard to stay away. He constantly wondered if she was OK, if she was staying out of sight, how things were going with her mother. There was so much he wanted to share with her, he knew she wouldn't understand his reasons for pushing her away, but he so wanted to try to explain it to her. Buffy was more than a girlfriend, more than a lover, she was his best friend. He was not only depriving himself of her love, but of her friendship. He didn't know which one was more painful.

Lately, he had been considering moving away, but the thought of her being in mortal danger and he being miles away, too far to help her, terrified him. It kept him planted solidly in Sunnydale. He knew if he was distant enough Buffy would get over him. She was human and she was strong, no man was going to ruin Buffy Summers' life. Humans had this incredible ability to heal their emotional wounds, grow stronger from their pain and move on with their lives. Buffy would not only get over him; she would eventually find happiness in her life. Without him.

Demons, on the other hand, wallowed in pain, theirs and others. Time didn't hold the same healing powers for vampires as it did for humans. He was destined to walk this earth for eternity loving Buffy Summers. As if his thought conjured her, he sensed her at his door; for a minute he considered not answering, but then common sense kicked in. What if she was in trouble?

Buffy stood outside the door just looking at it. Now that she was here, she didn't know if she could face him. *Of course I can, I'm the slayer dammit! No vamp is going to reduce me to a spineless ninny! OK, I feel better now, besides I'm on official slayer duty and...*

Her thoughts trailed off as Angel opened the door. He was so beautiful. He had on a white tank T-shirt and black pants, he was every fantasy Buffy ever had.

Angel was having similar thoughts. She looked so incredibly lovely standing in the moonlight. She had cut her hair just under her shoulders and styled it like her old self. He recognized her pants and green top and realized she was wearing her own things now.

"Hi, what are you doing here?"

"Nice to see you too." Buffy was hurt, he obviously didn't want her around.

"I didn't mean it that way, it's just strange for you to show up this late."

"Well, I'm on official Giles business. He needs help with this Graduation thingy and wanted me to bring you up to date...since you fell off the face of the earth." Buffy couldn't help that last comment from slipping out.

"Come in, we can talk about it inside." Angel held open the door and tried not to watch Buffy walk past him to his living room.

Buffy looked around her, all sorts of images were flying threw her head. Angel chained to the wall. She and Angel fighting with swords and finally her running a sword through his stomach, watching as he disappeared into a void. She gasped and stumbled.

"Are you Ok?" Angel was immediately at her side; he slid his arm around her waist for support.

"Angel...I sent you away...I"

"Shush, it was a long time ago, you did what you had to do, we went over this a dozen times." Angel had thought all of her memories were back, a few key ones obviously were still missing.

"Angel...Oh god Angel." Buffy was not only seeing the memories replayed in her head, she was feeling the emotions associated with the memories. She turned and slipped her arms around his waist, she buried her face in his chest and held on as a storm of emotions flooded her.

Angel held her as she shook and felt helpless. There was nothing he could do but hold her as the major turning point in their relationship replayed itself in Buffy's mind.

Buffy felt desperate, she felt the agony of losing Angel all over again and needed to affirm that he was really there, in her arms. She started to run her hands over his back and chest, she pulled him closer and rubbed up against him. Taking him totally by surprise she grabbed his hair and yanked his face down to hers. Her kiss was almost brutal, but she knew she wasn't hurting him. She felt his response harden and grow against her stomach. She knew there was a part of Angel that liked it rough, they never talked about it and Angel never brought it up, she knew he would never press the issue. He was too much of a gentleman. Buffy didn't want a gentleman right now.

She pushed Angel onto the couch and straddled him, something she would never think of doing, but her Wish world self seemed to think it was a good idea. Buffy grabbed at his T-shirt and tore it off of him, she ran her hands down his chest and then attacked him with her mouth.

Angel was stunned. The part of him that he kept under control for fear of scaring Buffy roared to life, he wanted nothing more than to tear her clothes off and slam her down on top of him. Her lips and tongue were moving down his abdomen while her hands undid his pants, he knew if he didn't stop now Sunnydale would be getting another visit from Angelus. Buffy's tongue slipped into his belly button and he almost stopped caring about Angelus or anyone else for that matter.

"Buffy, stop!" He pulled her up from by her shoulders and tried to sit up. "We can't do this, you know what can happen."

"What's the matter, Angel? Can't handle it?" Buffy wanted to lash out at him, they had been through so much together, but they could never be together. She wanted to lash out at the whole world, but he was the only one present. "Maybe we should just do it, I'm sure Angelus could handle the action! From what I remember now, he likes slutty slayers!"

Angel pushed her away and backed up, her words hurt him more than any time spent in hell.

"How can you say that? How can you even think that? You would prefer Angelus...you know I was just pretending with Faith, it was your plan!" Angel knew he wasn't making sense, but he didn't know which statement hurt him more. He started backing away from her, he needed to be far away from her.

Buffy finally saw through her own pain and noticed the horror in Angel's eyes. He looked desperate and was trying to get away from her!

*What have I done!*

"Angel...wait don't run away." She made a move to touch him, he flinched and backed away further. He felt like a cornered animal. Buffy started to cry; she'd royally screwed up now.

"So sorry, Angel...I'm so sorry...didn't mean what I said. You were avoiding me...and I was so angry...and I came here." She took a deep breathe in between her sobs. "I started to remember me sending you to hell...and I couldn't deal...it was like it just happened...I just wanted to touch you again...to make sure you were real...when you said no...I..." Buffy pulled together what was left of her pride and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"I'll go now, I did enough damage for one night. I understand if you don't want to help with the Ascension thing. I'm sorry, I know that's not enough, but it's all I've got. You were right avoiding me, we always seem to hurt each other." She turned and headed toward the door.

Angel knew he couldn't let her leave with things as they were, he pushed past his own hurt feelings and stopped her.

"Don't go, not like this." He gently grabbed her arm and stopped her. "Let's just sit on the couch and talk. I think we need to clear the air about a few things."

"First, I wasn't avoiding you because I don't want to be with you, I was avoiding you because I want to be with you too much." Buffy looked up at that but said nothing.

"You have your life back now Buffy, you can do anything you want with it, not waste it on a vampire with more problems than anyone should be asked to handle." Buffy opened her mouth to protest, but Angel stopped her. "Don't say anything, just hear me out. I won't desert you. I won't make the same mistake as last time; I'll watch your back and even up the odds for you. But, I won't be your boyfriend." Angel looked away, Buffy again had tears in her eyes, he hated doing this. "It's too dangerous for us to be around each other, just look at the last ten minutes. It scares me how much I want to let go and not worry about the curse, to just lose myself in you. I never want to be Angelus again, I'm not only staying away for your sake, I'm doing it for mine. I've lived with the repercussions of his memories twice now, I can't go through it a third time." Angel moved off the couch and went to kneel in front of Buffy.

"Look at me." She raised her head; there were tears on her face and a hopelessness he'd never seen before in her eyes. "I love you. In 245 years I've loved one person. You. Always you. Nothing is ever going to change that for me, but you have a chance. Take that chance, Buffy, take it and be happy. Do it for both of us. If we can't be happy together, then I 'd settle for watching over you and watching you be happy with someone else. Don't ever think it's easy for me to let you go like this, but for once in my life I'm going to do an unselfish act. I'm giving you a fresh start, you even have a new body to give to someone else. You're technically a virgin again, that doesn't belong to me anymore. Give it to someone who deserves it." That last statement cost Angel a small part of his soul, the thought of Buffy being touched by someone else drove him crazy, but he'd deal and not interfere when the time came. Heaven help him.

Buffy was crying hard now. She knew that he was right. She didn't want to be the cause of Angel losing his soul again, it was her turn to do an unselfish act and make sure he never did, he deserved that much after the hell she and his demon had put him through.

"Angel, you'll always be my first, my first love, my first lover. Nothing will ever change that. When I think back on my first time, I will always remember a rainy night, a tiny apartment and a man that made me feel like I was the most special woman in the world. No one, not even you, can take that away from me. I hate to admit this...but you're right, this thing between us, isn't going to work." Buffy felt herself start shaking. Angel laid his head down on her knees. He was getting what he wanted but it was killing him.

"I'll always love you, Angel...I'll never want anyone else..." Angel cut her off.

"But you will, in time, you'll see."

"I can't even think like that right now." Buffy made to stand and Angel stood up. She started toward the door. Angel panicked, he knew this time was for good and he felt like throwing up, why did someone up there have it out for him so badly?

"Buffy..." He began nervously. She quickly turned.

"Angel..."

"Stay out of sight. It would ruin Giles' plan if Faith or someone working for the Mayor saw you." He wanted to tell her to stay so that they could still spend time together, but that would be a lie.

"Right. Giles' plan. Don't worry, I won't be seen. You'll be around ,right...I mean you won't leave or do anything...right?" Buffy was remembering the cemetery a few weeks ago.

"I won't do anything, I promise. Besides, I'm your back up. Always." Angel would protect her until her time as the slayer was through.

Buffy just stared at Angel. This was it, this was the last time that she'd even bring up anything remotely personal, from now on it was business only. She closed her eyes briefly from the pain, took a deep breath and turned toward the door, toward her new life, without Angel.

"Goodbye, Angel."

Angel couldn't speak, he knew her goodbye was her way of starting to get over him. They would still see each other around occasionally, but Buffy was already starting to let him go. He heard the front door close, he closed his eyes and fell to his knees, he dropped his head toward his knees and let the waves of pain wash over him. If he could cry, he would be sobbing like a baby, but vampires didn't have tear ducts so the tears he wanted so desperately to shed stayed trapped inside him. Instead he wrapped his arms around his knees and shook. He shook until dawn; finally exhausted, he curled up into a ball and slept.

Joyce waited and waited for Buffy to get home from Angel's, but the later it got the more worried she became. Finally, she opened the door and went to stand on the front porch. She noticed someone curled up in a ball on her porch! Remembering Buffy's 18th birthday she cautiously approached, as she got closer she realized it was Buffy! She had her arms wrapped around herself and she was shaking!

"Honey, what's wrong?" Joyce tentatively touched her shoulder. Please don't let anything else bad happen to her. Joyce prayed to every god she ever heard of.

"Mom...Angel." That's all Buffy could manage to get out. She broke out into loud sobs and started shaking again. At Angel's name Joyce knew that this pain was emotional not physical, she wrapped her arms around her shaking daughter and held her to shortly before dawn when Buffy finally fell asleep.