DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get
door opened,
stand on
hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door
is opened,
it
is not necessary to use it. After you have
ordered an
"outside" door opened, stand halfway in and
out and think
about several things. This is particularly
important
during
very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito
season.
Swinging doors are to be avoided at all
costs.
CHAIRS and RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair
quickly. If you
cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental
rug. If there is
no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing
up on the
carpet, make sure you back up so that it is
as long as the
human's bare foot.
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It
is not
necessary to
do anything -- just sit and stare.
HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some
close activity
and
the
other is idle, stay with the busy one. This
is called
"helping", otherwise known as "hampering."
Following are
the rules for "hampering":
* When supervising cooking, sit just
behind the left
heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and
thereby stand a
better chance of being stepped on and then
picked up and
comforted.
* For book readers, get in close under
the chin,
between eyes and book, unless you can lie
across the book
itself.
* For knitting projects or paperwork,
lie on the
work
in the most appropriate manner so as to
obscure as much of
the work or at least the most important part.
Pretend to
doze, but every so often reach out and slap
the pencil or
knitting needles. The worker may try to
distract you;
ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper
work. Embroidery
and needlepoint projects make great hammocks
in spite of
what the humans may tell you.
* For people paying bills (monthly
activity) or
working on income taxes or Christmas cards
(annual
activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper!
First, sit
on
the paper being worked on. When dislodged,
watch sadly
from
the side of the table. When activity proceeds
nicely, roll
around on the papers, scattering them to the
best of your
ability. After being removed for the second
time, push
pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one
at a time.
* When a human is holding the newspaper
in front of
him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the
paper. They
love to jump.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as
close as
possible
is
front of the human, especially: on stairs,
when they have
something in their arms, in the dark, and
when they first
get up in the morning. This will help their
coordination
skills.
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he
cannot move
around.
PLAY:
This is an important part of your life. Get
enough sleep
in
the
daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal
games. Below
are listed several favorite cat games that
you can play.
It
is important, though, to maintain one's
Dignity at all
times. If you should have an accident during
play, such as
falling off a chair, immediately wash a part
of your body
as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools
those humans
every time.
CAT GAMES:
* "Catch Mouse": The humans would have
you believe
that those lumps under the covers are their
feet and
hands.
They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice,
rumored to be
the most delicious of all the mice in the
world, though no
cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor
also has it
that
only the most ferocious attack can stun them
long enough
for you to dive under the covers to get them.
Maybe YOU
can
be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
* "King of the Hill": This game must be
played with
at least one other cat. The more, the
merrier! One or both
of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must
be defended
at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything
goes. This
game allows for the development of unusual
tactics as one
must take the unstable playing theater into
account.
WARNING:
Playing either of these games to excess will
result in
expulsion
from the bed and possibly from the bedroom.
Should the
humans grow restless, immediately begin
purring and cuddle
up to them. This should buy you some time
until they fall
asleep again. If one happens to be on a human
when this
occurs, this cat wins the round of King of
the Hill.
TOYS:
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human
tries to
confiscate it,
this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it
under the
bed. Look suitably outraged when the human
grabs you and
takes it away. Always watch where it is put
so you can
steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys
are dresser
tops and wastebaskets. There are several
types of cat
toys.
* Bright shiny things like keys,
brooches, or coins
should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or
humans can't
play with them. They are generally good for
playing hockey
with on uncarpeted floors.
* Dangly and/or string-like things such
as
shoelaces,
cords, gold chains, and dental floss also
make excellent
toys. They are favorites of humans who like
to drag them
across the floor for us to pounce on.
* When a string is dragged under a
newspaper or
throw
rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse
and should
be
killed at all costs. Take care, though.
Humans are sneaky
and will try to make you lose your Dignity.
PAPER BAGS:
Within paper bags dwell the
Bag Mice. They
are small and camouflaged to be the same
color as the bag,
so they are hard to see. But you can easily
hear the
crinkling noises they make as they scurry
around the bag.
Anything, up to and including shredding the
bag, can be
done to kill them. Note: any other cat you
may find in a
bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a
Sneak Attack,
which will usually result in a great Tag
match.
FOOD:
In order to get the energy to sleep, play,
and hamper, a
cat must
eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun.
The other half
is getting the food. Cats have two ways to
obtain food:
convincing a human you are starving to death
and must be
fed NOW ; and hunting for it
oneself. The
following are guidelines for getting fed.
* When the humans are eating, make sure you
leave the tip
of your tail in their dishes when they are
not looking.
* Never eat food from your own bowl if you
can steal some
from the table.
* Never drink from your own water bowl if a
human's glass
is full enough to drink from.
* Should you catch something of your own
outside, it is
only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be
insistent --
your food will usually not be so polite and
try to leave.
* Table scraps are delicacies with which the
humans are
unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It
is beneath
the
Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as
lower forms
of
life such as dogs will, but several
techniques exist for
ensuring that the humans don't forget you
exist. These
include, but are not limited to: jumping onto
the lap of
the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying
down in the
doorway between the dining room and the
kitchen, the
Direct
Stare (very effective. I would reccomend this
one every
time!!), and twining around people's legs as
they sit and
eat
while meowing plaintively.
SLEEPING:
As mentioned above, in order to have enough
energy for
playing, a
cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally
not
difficult
to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any
place a human
likes to sit is good, especially if it
contrasts with your
fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a
heating duct or
radiator, so much the better. Of course, good
places also
exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of
being
seasonal and dependent on current and
previous weather
conditions such as rain. Open windows are a
good
compromise.
SCRATCHING POSTS:
It is advised that cats use any scratching
post the humans
may provide. They are very protective of what
they think
is
their property and will object strongly if
they catch you
sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and
doing it
when
they aren't around won't help, as they are
very observant.
If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good.
Sharpening
your claws on a human is not recommended.
HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed
us, to play
with and
give attention to us, and to clean the litter
box. It is
important to maintain one's Dignity when
around humans so
that they will not forget who is the master
of the house.
Humans need to know basic rules. They can be
taught if you
start early and are consistent.
These Last 2 Are Added by Splotchy :Ð)
KEYBOARDS:
This is for cats who's humans own WebTV's.
Sit just in
front of the keyboard so the human cannot
type. It works
especially well when the human is in a
chatroom. When you
are moved, sit next to the keyboard, walking
in front of
it
occasionally, and act like you have something
very
important
to do on the other side. Walk back and forth
at least
every
2 minutes.
Here is another very excellent way to block
the keyboard:
On one of your trips, stand directly in front
of the
keyboard, and start to wash yourself. If you
are moved, go
back to your old place and do it over! You
are blocking
the keyboard, and also keeping yourself very
clean!!
MORNING:
If you want to wake up your human, here is a very good way. Look out the window in their bedroom, and then start meowing at things outside. You can "talk" with birds, and mrowwww at cars every time they go by. Here is a warning, though: you will most undoubtedly be removed from the bedroom, just like when you play "catch mouse" and those other fun games!!