Christopher Lee has become one of the world's most respected actors. He has appeared in many many films playing villains such as Dracula, Lord Summerisle, and Saruman the White, and his ability to portray evil is uncanny. His legacy is maintained through his strong and memorable film roles, and he is likely to go down in history as one of the greats. Hopefully, history will forget Horror Express.

I picked this thing up for about $3 one day. Trent watched it without me and told me it was the single greatest movie ever, so I knew a review would be coming out of it. Here's what I could decifer about the plot:

Christopher Lee is a scientist, and on one of his scientific ventures, he discovered a fossil. The movie explains what a fossil is several times, as it's obviously nothing anyone really knows about. The fossil is a caveman encased in ice, and the caveman may well be the missing link in human evolution. When Christopher Lee explains this to a lady on the train, she proclaims that she knows nothing about evolution, because that's a sin. There's another scientist (at least I think he's a scientist) played by Peter Cushing (Grand Moff Tarkin), and he wants to see this fossil. Christopher Lee's father (Jesus) is also on the train, and he knows that the fossil is carrying something evil, straight from the depths of hell, and it must be avoided at all costs.

Got that? Good. So, anyway, Peter Cushing pays off a baggage guy to check out what's in the secret fossil box while no one's around, because he's curious. The baggage guy checks it out, and the fossil, as it turns out, isn't a fossil. It's still alive. It was preserved in the ice for millions of years, and now it's back. We'll call him Cap'n Caveman. So, Cap'n Caveman is pretty smart, and he bends a nail and uses it to pick the lock. He kills the baggage guy by staring into his eyes. The baggage guy's eyes go white (like Storm in X-Men or Geordi LaForge in Star Trek). This starts happening all over the train, eventually. The scientists decide to do an autopsy on one of the victims, so they cut off the top of his skull and check out his brain. Lucky they had a bone saw on hand, eh? Well, the brain is completely smooth. It actually looks like stitched naugahyde. They come to the conclusion tht Cap'n Caveman is sucking out people's memories. The logic behind it is this: Every memory makes a wrinkle in your brain (which isn't even close to being true), and Cap'n Caveman can suck all the memories out with his eyes, making the brain completely smooth. How can it do this? We don't know yet, but Christopher Lee attributes it to hypnosis and yoga, or some other such devilry.

Yes. He does say hypnosis and yoga.

Eventually, they find and kill Cap'n Caveman, but before he dies, he puts his evil inside the chief inspector guy. Now the chief inspector guy is Cap'n Caveman. He goes around smoothing more people's brains, and eventually Telly Savalas shows up. I'm not sure why, and I don't think anyone else is either. He's only there for a little while, though, before he's dispatched, and soon almost everyone on the train is dead. Sooner or later, they discover Cap'n Caveman as the investigator, and he has a new lackey. It's none other than Christopher Lee's dad, Jesus Guy! So, now Jesus Guy is the evil guy, and we learn about what happened. You see, millions of years ago, a group of aliens landed on earth to check things out. One of theminhabited the body of Cap'n Caveman, and he didn't get back to the ship in time, so he was left behind, just like ET. He freezes himself and comes back to life on the train. He transfers from body to body to stay alive. Got that? Good.

Jesus Guy/Cap'n Caveman starts wreaking havoc, and the survivors (including the scientists) make their way to the back of the train. Jesus Guy resurrects all the smooth-brained people, and uses them as a zombie army to destroy the rest of the humans. Long story short, the humans disconnect from the train, and the alien zombies all die in an explosive fireball.

I know you really want to see this now, and let me assure you that there's a lot more entertainment value than what I just wrote. Like Trent said, it's the single greatest movie ever.

Hypnosis and yoga.