I should make it clear at the beginning of this review that I am not talking about Peter Jackson's brilliant interpretation of J.R.R. Tolkien's epic classics of modern mythology. This review is about Ralph Bakshi's animated feature from 1978. You know what I'm talking about. You've seen it in the video store, staring back at you, whispering, "I'm not that bad, really", tempting you, until you pass it up in favor of Booty Call. Like the One Ring itself, the desire to view this film plagued me for years. I knew going into it that the movie omitted much of the story. I knew it was too short to really get into any depth of the story. I knew that a different company ended up making Return of the King in an effort to end the story. I rented it anyway.

This film is not so much a movie as it is an animated summary of The Lord of the Rings. It briefly touches on every major point and swiftly moves along. Frodo, Merry, and Pippin all look and behave like cute young children, no more than 8 years old. Samwise looks like a very ugly child. Gandalf is Gandalf. You can't really go wrong there. His counterpart, Saruman, is Saruman-y, but almost every time they mention his name, they drop the S, so they call him Saruman only some of the time. Usually it's Aruman, so as not to confuse him with Sauron, I guess. The Nazgul, Ringwraiths, or Black Riders as they're called up North, don't seem like great kings of the past whose souls were corrupted by the nine rings given to the race of men, and who now serve the Dark Lord. They're just a bunch of crippled hobos dressed in dark colors.

In the city of Bree, they meet Strider (i.e. Aragorn son of Arathorn, descendant of Isildur and rightful heir to the throne of Gondor) who looks like a low-budget replacement for Eric Estrada in a skirt. He takes them to Weathertop where Frodo is stabbed by a Nazgul. Legolas shows up to take him to Rivendell, although Frodo actually seems quite well. Once there, he's treated and Gandalf tells him he's lucky he got there in time, because if the blade fragment had reached his heart he would have died. The thing about this is that it's all done so casually. You never get the feeling that Frodo is in any danger at all. Any danger is mentioned in passing, and Frodo is always his normal child-like self.

Anyway, they get to Rivendell, where Frodo gets Sting and the Mithril, and we get to see the Council of Elrond and meet the Fellowship. Elrond is a rich white guy in shorts. Legolas is actually pretty Legolas-y. Gimli, son of Gloin, is the same size and shape as Boromir, and he does absolutely nothing. Boromir is a Viking in a skirt.

The Fellowship sets out and eventually gets to Moria, making their way to the bridge of Khazad-dum where Gandalf has to confront the Balrog. I always liked the Balrog. It's a tremendous fearsome demon of the ancient world. It is shadow and flame. It is also about six feet tall, has a lions head and bat wings. It is actually bordering on cuddly in this movie. The rest of the party makes it out and passes through Lothlorien, which is utterly forgettable. They fight the orcs (which, I swear I'm not making this up, are played by guys in deformed monkey masks), Boromir dies, and the Fellowship breaks up.

Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas set out to rescue Merry and Pippin, kinda, and are sidetracked when they run into the Riders of Rohan. They meet up with Gandalf (the White, now) and head toward Rohan to see Theoden. Next, it's off to Helms Deep.

Meanwhile, Sam and Frodo are off to Mordor, and they run into Gollum. If you read the books, you'll find that Gollum is a very well-written character. He's not a bad guy, per se. He's very pitiful, which is what Tolkien was going for, obviously, and it really came through in the writing. You could tell there was a definite struggle going on. Andy Serkis's portrayal of Gollum in Peter Jackson's interpretation was impeccable. You could really see the internal struggle brought to life. He was portrayed as he was written, a pathetic creature who you can't help but feel sorry for. The Gollum in this movie was a well-spoken vindictive character who had no depth whatsoever. All he wants is to kill Frodo and take the Ring. Someone missed the point entirely. At any rate, though, this is the last we see of Frodo and Sam in the movie.

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli fight at Helms Deep. All seems lost, until Gandalf shows up, and we get a neat voiceover telling us how the friends of Frodo saved the day and wiped out all the evil from Middle Earth. The End.

I have to admit this review is much longer and more in depth than the review I had planned earlier ("BAD"). The animation is pretty crappy, although it was entirely rotoscoped. Well, it was, mostly. All the battle scenes looked like photocopies of photographs of knights fighting guys in ugly monkey masks.

Don't ever watch this movie.