I can't open it? It's like Pandora's Box. They send it to me, and I can't opene it. The juicy secrets contained within are not meant for me. But is my heart stout enough to withstand the temptation? Can I be trusted with such a thing? Will I be able to live with myself if I choose to open it? What if I don't? The temptation is strong, and for many years have I desired merely to gaze upon this sacred yellow message from Oklahoma. Now I have it. Do I dare disobey them? Will God smite me if I do? Is it worth the risk? Nay. I shan't. It was not meant for me. I shall go on with my life and pretend it never happened. But there will still be that tingle, that what if in the back of my mind.

So, anyway, it's a checklist of needs. That is to say, I should check off everything I need. So, what do I need?

• A closer walk with God - Don't need that.
• Alzheimer's - Don't need that.
• Arthritis - Don't need that.
• Bad Health - Already have that.
• Better Appetite - Got that.
• Back Pain - Got that, too.
• Cancer - Don't need that.
• Crying Spells - I don't need it, but I'm intrigued. We'll put that as a maybe.
• Deafness - Don't need that.
• Drug Problems - Don't need that.
• Eyes - I definitely need eyes, but I'm content with the ones I have.
• Foot Problems - Don't need that.
• Gall Bladder - I think I need it, but I'm not sure what it does.
• Sinus Problems - Don't need that.
• Heart Trouble - Don't need it, but I'll be getting it somewhere down the line.
• Hernia - Don't need that.
• Insomnia - Already have plenty of that. I don't need more.
• Lung Trouble - Don't need that.
• Mental Oppression - I don't know what that is, but I doubt I need it.
• Muscular Dystrophy - Don't need it.
• Nervous Condition - Don't need that.
• Alcoholism - I don't need it, and even if I did, I'm pretty sure I could make it for myself.
• Paralysis - Don't need that.
• Prostate - Yes. I definitely need this, but, again, I have one that's been treating me quite well. If I ever need a new one, they'll be the first to know.
• Skin Trouble - Don't need that. In fact, I have that E-Z bake Irish skin, so I think that's one of the last things I need.
• Spinal Condition - Don't need that
• Tuberculosis - That's still around? Why would anyone need that?
• Tumor - Don't need one of those. I suppose I need to throw in an Arnold reference here, huh?
• Weight Problems - Got it, don't need more. In fact, I think I need fewer or no weight problems.
• Better Job - Not right now.
• New or Better Home - No, I like the one I have.
• New or Better Car - Again, I like the one I have.

Let's look at the rest.