Once I sleep with the Purple Ribbon of Power Blessing Faith Church Gospel Act of Faith Ribbon Thingy, I'm supposed to fill out the Prayer Page and send it pack. Only then do I get to open the magic letter. If I don't, I must tear up the magic letter, cuz God hates people who aren't punctual. Oh, and I'm supposed to send them as much money as humanly possible. God needs money, you see, to defeat Satan.

Next.