It all started several months ago when I noticed that my ass was bleeding. It wasn't much at first. I payed it little mind. I noticed some of my underwear was getting blood stains. No biggie. I generally wear black pants, so if there was blood on those, I never noticed. As Spring came around, the problem worsened. I bought some nice beige shorts, and eventually, I started noticing that they were starting to get blood on them, too:

The thing I found odd about all this is that I wasn't bleeding from the hole part of my butt, but rather, it was coming from right below my tailbone. So, my luscious ass looked like this:

The problem had been coming and going off and on all year, and once my shorts got stained, I decided something must be done. So, I did what any reasonable person would do. I posted it on an Internet message board (Something Awful) and asked for advice. I was given quite the variety of responses. Some suggested that maybe my skeleton was trying to escape. Others said it happened to them, and they died two days later. One person said he had something similar called a pilonidal cyst, that it required surgery, and that I should see my doctor (as per Tina's repeated suggestion). That did it. I decided if I can't trust a stranger on an the Internet, whom can I trust? So, I went to my doctor, and she confirmed it. I had pilonidal cyst.

I pilonidal cyst is the result of an infected butt hair. In the diagram below, you'll see that there is a big cavity between the surface of the skin in the asscrack and the tailbone. There are two tiny pinholes that the blood and goo come out of. Generally, a giant abcess grows, filled with the buttgunk, but I'm rather heavy, so mine would burst before they got very big, hence the pinholes.

My doctor refered my to a proctologist. I never found out what compells a person to pursue proctology, but I guess someone has to do it. Anyway, he checked me out.

The bad news was I'd have to have surgery. The good news was there was a small chance that the surgery might not beed to be that involved, provided Tina cleaned it daily, I bathed a lot, and I was really lucky. He said he'd see me in a month to see how things were, but in the meantime, I should have my ass cleaned daily. I felt sorry for Tina. So, every day for a month, I had to have the area under my tailbone cleaned with peroxide and a Q-tip.

So, we did that for a month and came back. The doctor checked me out again and said I'd have to get the more painful surgery.

So, the day of the surgery came. I chose to have it on a Friday because I could take a whole 10 days off, and the following Monday was my birthday, and I didn't want to spend it getting my ass fileted. Anyway, the surgery was in the afternoon, so I couldn't eat all day, which really sucked.

The procedure, as described to my, consisted of cutting open the icky cavity...

Cleaning out all the goop...

And stuffing it with gauze so the wound stays open.

The idea was that the cavity would heal up and grow new skin like this:

So, I spent the next week lying on the couch in pain. It sucked.

And I have to change the gauze every day, which is gross and kinda hurts.