Enrico's Advice To Live By...

Alright, here it is. Follow this advice and you will live for a while, maybe have a job, eat some food, and possibly get married and have kids. You dog may or may not get/lose fleas, and that irritating rash/cat/bread mold/staple gun/stalker/IRS agent/fish smell may or may not go away.

I will add advice whenerver I feel like it. If you need advice desperately and it's not on this page, you can either e-mail me your problem, Ask Satan, or learn to deal with it. If you have up-to-par advice you want me to post, send it to me and I might post it.

And now, the advice...

• It's always safe to assume people are naked. That way, if they aren't naked, you will be humbled, and made a better person, and if they are naked, you won't be caught off guard.
• Don't drive drunk. If you do, and get caught twice, then commit a murder, you will get the death penalty.
• Whenever possible, edit your homepage from your Chemistry teacher's computer, using the school's internet connections.
• Any problem you have can be sufficiently taken care of with a Tum or 2 and a remote controlled badger.
• Complementary breadsticks are always nice...when dining out, make sure you get complementary breadsticks no matter what.
• If a Tum or 2 and a badger don't solve a problem, rvg will take care of it very time.
• As tempting as it may seem, you cannot use a turkey baster as an enema.It is just too big!-This advice is from Enrique Valdez
• There are 3 rules to live by. If you follow these exactly, then you'll lead a happy life. 1. Don't love, just screw. 2. If you fall in love, you are screwed! Refer to number 1. 3. Eat lots of pickles. They're full of vitamins essential to a healthy diet.-This advice is from Pabst
• If you want someone to like you, tell them when they have an eye crusty, or better yet, remove it for them. This way, when they wake up and remove them on their own, they will think of you. They will then associate you with bed, from where they just came, and consequently, will like you.
• Never look a parrot in the eye. If you must, look at it from the side in one eye, not both. If you look a parrot in both eyes, your eyes will focus, not on its eyes, but on its beak, because a parrots head is really skinny. Then, since a parrots head is skinnier than your eyes are wide, you'll go cross-eyed from focusing on its beak.
• Avoid stealing mysterious books from old men and locking yourself in the school attic with only an apple and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You are exception to this rule if you enjoy digital "flying" music and large ill turtles.
• Never look at the underside of a steak.
• Martha Stewart is a frightening, dangerous woman, and her color combinations only dsplay a lack of originality and personal style by those who use them.
• The 3-pronged spork is a bringer of good luck and hot lasagna. The 4-pronged spork is a bringer of bad luck and moldy bread.
• Advice from Pabst-Swing Heil!
• Never lick another persons ear plugs. It's disgusting.
• DO NOT EAT LAB MATERIALS!
• Hysterectomies are good solutions to everyday problems.
• Advice from Pabst-Don't eat the lobster.
• Advice from Schnab-Zip slowly!
• If your arm is brown, and it isn't normally, you never know where it's been.
• Advice from Enrique-1.There is no spoon. 2.Always assume men are stupid, that way you spare yourself the shock. 3.In every conversation, call somebody a yeasty fat-kidneyed scut at least twice. 4.To win at Plinko, get the thingy in the $5000 slot.
• Always consider things before you lick them. Would it be a good idea to lick that? If not, don't lick it.
• Don't eat the laeberkäs.
• German keyboards are STUPID!!!!!!
• Don't serve sherbet in warm bowls. It'll only melt and get messy.
• The problem with oldies songs, is that once they're old, there aren't aren't any new ones, so you're stuck with what you've got.
• Never shave while angry.
• If you don't pull on it, it won't break-Enrique and Ezz
• Beware of the Schafer packet-Enrique
• Sometimes it's ok to want salad.
• -7 is too cold...as is 7. Avoid these temperatures at all costs.
• Statistics suck.

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