i didn't leave a message.

12 january 1999

but i did call the machine.

i've noticed that there's not always a definite beginning, but always a certainly clear end.

it's in my mind. this is a brand new song that nobody's heard before. i'm singing it to you in my dreams & you've tilted your head back as if to breathe the melody in. & sometimes i stick out my tongue to catch harmony like snowflakes falling from the sky. i'd give you anything to feel it coming.

you're not moving. you've not moved since i began. i'm squirreling & squirming & trying to kill this tremor. the ground is vibrating. the storm is coming through.

a storm in the shape of a girl.

she blows through your hair & infiltrates your skin. sting your lips. stop licking, it only makes things worse. chases you with pellets & droplets.. you can't go fast enough. (stay) she turns off the stars & hides the sky. don't look up.. you'll only drown. hang. she envelopes you, wraps your fear inside of her manifests.. don't look, close your eyes & just toss. in the dryer, twisting, spinning, tumbling.. hallucinogenics make more noise. more noise. all you can hear is the beat of your heart. is it? a voice foreign to you.

it doesn't speak to you of comfort as it lets you down. it just lets you down. lets you fall, fade. fade away. i don't feel you. i didn't in the first place.