you're so fucking special.

24 february 1999.

i wish i was special.

i think i'm starting to give up on things that i believe in. people, places, memories. i've been writing about the things that i remember for the past couple days.. what about the things that i've forgotten or tried to forget? what about the people who i left behind, decided to blow off? who speaks for them when i can't get away from myself? when do i hear what they're saying?

this frightens me.

i do not get scared.

i try to understand what is eating you. i'm going to put it down on paper, i'm going to wake up this morning like i woke up yesterday morning.. lost eyes, feverish temperature & loss of memory. is that how you wake up? is that how we all wake up?

who is really there to catch me when i fall?

if you can't trust your friends,
you can't trust anyone.
with friends like these..

i wish i could fly. from this window, from this building, from this body. my traumas are your traumas, but you're taking ownership of them. i want them just to myself. they're not yours. they don't belong to you. i don't want you to think of me. i want you gone. i want you gone. get out.

there's nothing that i see that isn't clear. everything is revolving around me & my circle isn't getting any bigger. i can't touch you. i can't reach you. i don't know you & you don't know me. i can't touch you. then why do i feel your hands on my chest, pushing. pushing.

i would be happy to accept the blame if i thought it would help. but i don't think it will. it's been forty-one hours. i would like to carry your burden, your pain. i know what it's like to be where you are. i know what it's like to hate me. to hate you. don't stare at me like i don't understand.

we're not supposed to be feeling this. we're not interested in feeling or hearing whatever it is you have to say. we don't want your time, nor do we need your opinion or thoughts. i don't want anything to do with you but i want everything to do with you. i want you gone. gone away. from here, from me, from them. go away. i hate you. fuck off.

it's not all right. stop telling me that. i can see my reality & what's going on around me just fine. i could even tell you what kind of effect i'm having on you with my eyes closed, my hands over my ears. i don't even need to hear it. i don't want you to say it & i'm not interested in what you have to say. just leave me.

what now?
don't know. if i could step outside myself, i would. but i can't. i don't know how to tell myself that everything is okay. because i don't believe in it, i don't believe in you & i don't believe in me.
why are you doing this? why are you doing this? stop it.
whatever i'm doing, i'm doing it now. here, now. stand back & let me be. i'm doing this to you, not to myself. don't give a fuck about my well-being. i don't. why should you. if we just pretend it's not there, it will disappear.
i'm scared.
you're also a fool. now. please. go. away.

black.

star.