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the candle of thought. 13 january 1999. (mini note to self: it's 1999. thank you & goodnight.) i was thinking about whether i need a title for this thing. this verbiage. i should ask someone. i know it kind of started out with the "pure than simple" motif, but it kind of faded. do i need a name? what's in a name [mistreated]? i don't know yet. i don't think the journal has an identity other than it representing my subconscious mind.. my (e)motions. we'll see. i don't know if anyone has noticed or not, but the other pages do get updated from time to time. & i will tell you a little secret.. c'mere.. closer.. <whispers> okay. it's not that big of a deal, but still. there are hidden links. sometimes i can't really tell you exactly what i'm feeling. sometimes i can't just outwardly say, "hello, this is what she says." i'm a screamer, but i suppose i edit a tad bit more than i vocalize. anyway. i just wanted you to know. so be on the look out.<ahem> well, that was a nice chat. i was thinking about what was beautiful today. who is beautiful. what i think of as beautiful, what other people see as the concept. whichever. beauty. i think it's overused. erin's boyfriend said once, "goddamn, erin's HOT." now that they're together, he tells her she's beautiful. where's the difference? acquaintance to quasilover? i suppose. maybe she is beautiful, maybe i just don't see it because i'm not in love with her. nothing personal there, erin. :) i guess i was thinking about this when i was talking to lo this evening. but what if you were blind? what if you could not see.. what is beauty then? would you feel the same if you closed your eyes? when we kiss, we close our eyes. it gives you that spinning feeling, you're dreaming, flying through mid-air & touching something once unattained. we cannot have a conversation without facing each other, can we? what is the definition of reality? i suppose we each have our own perception & perhaps you'd let me be you for a while. the bleach stings your scalp, i heard. so if we open our eyes while kissing.. does that burn? i don't want to open my eyes. i'll just slip inside your consciousness & read. threads. the blankette is rolling around & i can't seem to grasp the end. gathering itself in my arms, i'm trying to tape it back together. it's slow. it's fast. we're scared, we're small. it's something unpredictable. in the end..? "you can't not allow yourself to feel because you really don't know how much time you have left to feel it." |
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