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you make me real.
you make me real.
25 march 1999.
strong as i feel.
you make me.
i am afraid.
i am afraid.
& i've known..
we're just like old friends.
we just can't pretend
that lovers make amends.
we are reasons so unreal.
we can't help but feel
that something has been lost.
i kind of like that. i kind of need that. i'm falling asleep, i'm lolling off to the side. i don't know what to do, i don't know what to do.
but please..
you know you're just like me
next time i promise we'll be perfect.
perfect.
Perfect.
no, please don't. you don't adore me, you don't need me, please stop. please don't. please stop. please stop you're hurting me. words i never say. words i will never say. you don't adore me, you don't adore me. no.
strangers down the line.
lovers out of time.
memories unwind.
so far, i still know who you are.
but now i wonder who i was.
angel, you know it's not the end.
we'll always be good friends..
the letters have been sent on.
it's not fair.
it's no problem. "you had me but it's over now." i'm scared, daddy. i'm scared of the man under the bed, the man that runs around at night when i'm trying to sleep. i'm afraid when he comes in & worse off when he leaves. there's a little secret that all daddies forget to tell their little girls. "you had me but it's over now." sometimes daddies forget.
so please.
you always were so free.
you'll see.
i promise we'll be perfect.
Perfect.
who kids you to oblivion. maybe the life i love is coming back for me. maybe. maybe i'm just scared. maybe it's just me. don't be afraid, little one. it's all right. we're almost home.
strangers when we meet.
strangers on the street.
lovers walk asleep.
it's all right, baby. please don't cry. please don't cry. i don't want to see you this way. i don't want to hold you down. please just come into my arms, it's okay.
then get out. out of here, out of me, out of sight.
can't you hear my mind exploding? what else do you think makes the sounds coming from my mouth?
perfect.
you know this has to be.
we always were so free.
we promised that we'd be
perfect.
Perfect.
"i know i'm nothing different, but i just Don't feel the same." the next line of the song is "what's wrong with me?" i couldn't tell you. i couldn't say. what i COULDN'T SAY. i'm full of words, have you noticed? please don't say what i think you're thinking. please don't go out on me. don't go. on, in, there, where, stare, care, fair/fare. my face isn't like another, but i don't look right faced with a sun. i wonder what i shall tell my children.
i wonder if my children will read these. there.. i sleep. there now.
there we are.
i'm watching you while you're sleeping. i'm dying to lean over & kiss you but i know i'll only disturb your sleep. i want to wake you up & have you come put your hands on my shoulders. if i come any closer, you'll roll away. i have purely selfish intentions, i want you all to myself. i'm sorry.
people who disappear.
i have known people who disappear.
they come back, every now & again. for a visit, maybe. in the absence, while i rock back & forth on my bedsheets, they comfort me, saying the error of the disappearance will soon be seen. how could anyone not see?
when you say you will defend me, my "honor" or that which is at stake, where do you go when i'm fallen?
i don't like the nighttime, waiting. i don't like the waiting. i don't like the ring of the phone. i don't want to answer, & i rarely pick up. i want to go to sleep & justify my being, find who i am.
BUT HE KEEPS ME AWAKE.
HE DOESN'T LET ME SLEEP.
how can we do this with narcolepsy?
"to me it doesn't matter if you're hopes & dreams are shattered."
i find absolutely no feasibility in this statement. no, you don't make sense. no, i can't find you. & NO, i DO NOT see. if you ever find yourself, call me 'daughter' & tell me what my daddy forgot.
when i say i'm crying, i'm usually just hiccuping or falling incredibly silent. it is highly rare that i cry with tears down my face. highly rare. i understand this affliction because the drugs take all my saliva, all my natural juices & sssssssuck them away.
but i'm really crying now.
me in my dirty shirt.
i need to do laundry.
. . .
could you lend me some change?
sometimes i wonder why i can't hear myself breathing. why things are.. closed when they could be alive. the wind blows hard through my window. the screen is so fucking bright & erin's squirming around above me. she doesn't make any noise when she sleeps. me? oh. i don't sleep.
what's that you say, drama queen? where do you go when the lights go out? where do you stay with they forget about you?
i'm going to sit outside my building & freeze. i hear sirens. it gives me cause to rock back & forth violently with my head on top of my knees. the wind stings your face, your eyes, you know. & tonight..? well, by the looks of the leaves on the trees that are beginning to come out, beginning the begin, stalled life hold on while we tinker around.. it's windy. so very. very. windy.
so you might want to turn your head. i sat outside for hours on end. i'm not sure why i took some eyedrops. i'm alive, i'm alive, i'm a life.
i really want to see you. i really want to meet you. so you can see what is not. what is & what is not. you're not quite sure of the flagrance.. i'll hold your face up to the light. you will understand.
can you be inherently lazy when you don't sleep? i'm curious. i think it's all beginning. swaying back & forth, dreams about recycling, dreams recycling.
i've wondered about something. i've seriously given more thought to dropping out of school. why, you say? well, my dears, it is rather pointless for me to be here, like this, in such an outdated fashion.
i'm not the old girl, i have her face & her eyes.. i really & truly have doubts.. sit while everyone sleeps, facing the mirror in a passionate interview of the senses.
my therapist said not to see her no more. she said, "you're like a disease without any cure." you think you're so pretty.
i took some speed. i'm goin a milliomn miles a secon wooooooooooo catch me if you can catch me i'm falling boop de boop de wooooooo!
need you for now & i'm in the wayyyyy.
who wakes up next to you when i'm not there who's the fountain when i've gone bare
you want to free my country but i don't think you understand the schism.
perhaps you should back up try again game over please insert more money
it doesn't.
really matter. |
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