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damn my situation. cold'n'frosty morning i can't really keep my left eye open. it keeps blinking in & out & closing randomly. i remember as a child sitting in my t.v. room begging to stay up, trying to prove that i wasn't really tired.. but my eyes were like sandbags & i couldn't stop them from drooping over my line of vision. things got blurry & when you moved your head around too fast, it was dizzy. i had to hold onto the side of the couch, the white & speckled couch, sealed for stains & puppies. forever & a day. mom, i guess i'm ready to go to bed now. but only because EYE say so. harumph. come on, eyes. i like this feeling, somewhat. when you can't totally control what's going on with your body. i shall probably sleep for hours. perhaps days. have you ever slept for a day? i slept for twenty-seven hours once. uninterrupted besides me waking up a couple times & rolling over. why don't you find me? why do you see me in this light? my words are ineffectual. i wonder what i could have been. i wonder where i used to be, where the me i was went. where she's hiding. don't you feel like that sometimes? that everyone's expecting you to be/do something else.. that you're just not prepared for.. you can't remember your lines & you get the cues all mixed up. & you call yourself a professional now. white walls, white skin, canvas for fingers. crawling up & down the spine, spinning in circles & figure eights. i'm skating on the melting substance called flesh. i'm coming down & bringing my fingers back up the end of your spine to your shoulders. say that you'll stay forever like this, leaning my head on the nape of your neck. say that you'll stay like this, at least for a bit. modify your statement, don't make promises of forever. i still don't know how to read. there are man irregularities, says he. get thee to BED! woman! get thee away. when women had two legs again. sitting in a circle. i've always wanted to wear a dress that spreads out when i sit down indian style in the middle of a field & act all girly. just go running around like a pixie, spinning while you walk.. i need more time. i need more time. we have nothing BUT time, he said. you have nothing but time. & if you're doing the wrong things with your time.. well SHAME ON YOU. i need more time SHAME ON YOU i needed more assistance SHAME. i needed something to ON hold me up. i need YOU something i never never never needed & never ever ever want. please don't say that. it hurts me when you say that. there's a pool, there is, at the end of the road. it's salty stained. it's beautiful, aqua green melting into the concrete barriers. there's not a lot of depth. just shallow. if you run around in circles, things get caught. i know so much about life in the water. i should write about that more. i should write about the spinning, the water, the way you look in front of water. the way i love water the way i'm SAFE. i'm safe, warm or cold, rough or calm.. i'm all right. i'm home. this is my home. ::my heart will never be a home:: oh. there's something on my foot that's making it shake & touch my other foot. rubbing up against it like there's an itch but more of an attachment? rubber gloves & cherry lollipops. i'm on the carpet, keep reaching out, keep grabbing the pieces of me that pop out of my sides in a 3-d masterpiece of insecurity. running around in my socks. [the crackle of a diaper] i want kids. i want to know how to hold you down & sing you to sleep. i don't want kids i just want you. i just want you. i just want to go now. can we please go together? flicking down on the end of a string. threads a needle, sharp, fine. delicate loss.. silver contusion, white explosion, vanilla fizzle. you are the thunder in the rain, the fossil in the fuel. i want to immerse my recommendations in a sea of goo.. warm, liquidy.. tiresome. the world is much like a twist-tie. wrap it around, chew on it, wear it as a wedding ring. i still have a paper napkin if we get down to the wire. blinking out the lights.. blinking out the sight. come on, come on, come one. ever shoveled snow at midnight? washington softly sheeted in haphazard layers of thickness and warmth some cars wrapped in wool, others in silk. when garbage bag heaps become snow-white sofas and all movements are more quiet than before, car treads are muffled and each footprint is accompanied by a soft moan of snow-compressed release; each step is a comfort. and I pull out silver shovel, brandish weapon under streetlight glow and I tear up those sheets they crumble like old love letters tossed aside still cars they are weak, clinging enemies and the lone car that slips past wonders dark green figure hooded against moist confetti of the sky falling into the rhythm of my shovel. I work harder because I know tomorrow no trace will be left of my midnight. my fret, my string. my beginning, my.. you know the opposite, i don't have to explain. i don't have to go. you really don't have to know. head lolling to the side, blinking out the sights. we could just do it for tax purposes, you know. i didn't even remember she was in the room. i don't even notice when she's moving around, even behind me. i don't remember my shovel when we run away. if i had tangible sight, i would constantly leave it on the table. i want to BE THERE. BE HERE NOW. BE HERE NOW. please brother take a chance. you know they're going to go WHICH way they WANT to go... it's all in a part. we're all a part. apart. please, i need to hear that chord. please i need it. i didn't catch it the first time. I CAN HEAR YOUR BREATH. i can feel it on my window, i can touch it with my hands, please don't come back if you're not planning on staying. i say goodnight, goodbye. i wonder if it's cold outside. the words are the same.. is this really me? |
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