[29 november 1998] i've had this weird sensation in my arm as of late. i feel like i should chop it off. it's a combination of internal bleeding & just punishment. when i was younger, i used to think my left hand was the bad hand. i used to beat it up. i was four, for chrissake. what was i doing? i went to the drugger (psychiatrist) the other day. he said, "i don't understand how you could be having so many problems.. are you sure you haven't been abused?" wtf. uhm.. could you run that by me again? i was telling scooter that even though i've searched the recesses of my memory & know that i wasn't physically abused, this kind of statement does not do wonders for the obsessive compulsive. i know i wasn't physically abused - yet i'm freakingout about it. "what if i was & just can't remember?" "does this guy think i'm that fucked up?" "define problems. what is so wrong with the way i'm acting that he thinks i have been harmed in that way?" ugh. it's not a fun thing to be inside, my head. i was talking to my mom about it. she said, "well, he could mean verbal abuse." but how can i imagine that my father was verbally abusive? it doesn't make any fucking sense to put that label on this person. yes, he was angry a lot, yes, he has a hell of a temper, but i don't want him labeled as a verbal abuser. it's not like his words meant to throw me against the wall. he didn't mean to do that, i just configured it in my head that way. Always. when did this begin? ::shiver:: i don't understand this. i don't want to put that label on my da'. i know that inside i don't tell my parents the complete truth because i'm afraid of him, of how he's going to react. i don't know if i can ever fix that even though he's getting So much better, consciously. [does someone ever say something to you about you that you never thought of before? how does that make you feel? what's going on inside your head? throw me a fricking bone here.] i don't know why i'm like this. i don't know why i was born under the star of chaos. but i do know that i don't like to think about this shit & i Cannot Escape It. don't come too close to this head. inhale. exhale.

background by heather burt. merci.