i know it's not sensible.

1 february 1999

more than you'd ever expect.

it's okay to feel this way.

i'm caught between THIS

& THAT.

have you ever seen me? have you seen the scars? perhaps you might need to discover something new about me. i'm not just made of scars. no, i'm not criticizing you.. it's me who is figuring this out now. you just walk up & ask. it's beautiful.

it's been a long while.

when i see you, i'm going to throw my arms around something that i never knew, but dreamt of in the corners of my eyes. when i awoke, things were anew, i was tired but hopeful.. things are becoming as they are.

what reason cannot.

far far away. they all see it when they walk into the room. the bruises. the hurt. but they see radiance. it's incredible. you're going to give up, give out, give in? no. never. that's not even on your tongue. did it just happen & did you just climb out & say, "hello. i am beginning," speaking to no one in particular?

speaking in voices recognizable.

the child is clinging to my shoulder. she's gurgling & giggling. she's touching my face, my hair, my neck. i didn't have to say a word, just smile & connect my pupils to hers. she fraps & flips around & i'm holding life in my hands. she doesn't cry or jeer, she just laughs & squirms. this is how we should begin.

this is how we Do begin.

this is how we continue.

it may be unwise to say that i love you. to say that i'm one, complete, figured, complex artery in the heart of your mind. maybe it's wrong to reach out my hand when you aren't particularly asking for touch (the only sense). but i do. & it's true. & i'm hanging onto the few who still grow this way, learn this way.

we don't need your hands to hold us down.

we need your hands to continue.

some certainty.

season remember.