i think it's strange.
28 march 1999.
you never knew.

i want to hold the hand inside you.
i want to take the breath that's true.
i look to you and i see nothing.
i look to you to see the truth.

sigh. my face is acting in the way that it acts when i've been sleeping too much. or leaning on my hands too much. or just breathing too much. is it possible to do that? perhaps i should learn how to control myself. my breathing, that is. my emotions.. well.

you live your life you go in shadows.
you'll come apart and you'll blank.
some kind of night into your darkness..
colours your eyes with what's not there.

i wasn't ever able to hold in anything. joy, anger, sadness, dislike, sarcasm. if i feel it, i guess i want everyone else to know what i do. but something more than that. i just can't.. i can't curb what i know is inside, because what does that make you besides a masker. sure, i used to be one of those. mimi & i came up with that idea. that we're all wearing some sort of mask..
we were sitting on the bleachers in gym, not playing basketball for one reason or another, wearing our uniforms & sitting by ourselves due to the competition we had to see how long we could go without washing them until the teacher noticed. she was writing with a blue bic pen on my blue chucks & we were discussing our "habits." how that even if we were superdepressed, no one would be able to tell. how we were so good at masking what we were really feeling, but that when we were around each other, we couldn't help but understand. maybe it was because we thought no one would understand. or maybe we just wanted to avoid the questioning, the 'how are yous' & the 'are you okays' which grated down the eardrum when overused.

fade into you.
strange you never knew.
fade into you.
i think it's strange you never knew.

so when it comes to emotional vacany, this inn is full. i can't do it. there's no time where i feel absolutely nothing. now some would attest to the fact that this isn't true, that i'm horridly good at being indifferent. although i could say it too is an emotion, i couldn't claim to really being indifferent all the time. i always think one way or another, whether it's apparent to the critics or anyone else.

a stranger's light comes on slowly.
a stranger's heart without a home.
you put your hands into your head.
and then the smiles cover your heart.

so everytime i get emotional, at the tail end of the feeling, i wonder if i've overreacted. or perhaps i've just been true to what's inside. then we go into paranoia. maybe that's where it comes from, this neurosis. i don't know.

fade into you.
strange you never knew.
fade into you.
i think it's strange you never knew.

interpretations of how i'm feeling can be amusing. most times, i wish someone would just ask.

i think it's strange you never knew.

when you say "hello, how are you?", is it because you're really curious or is it because it's the thing everyone says. what about "hello, nice weather we're having, don't you agree?" wonder what i'd think to say about that if it were the normal greeting.

i think it's strange you never knew.

sometimes, when (you) ask "how are you?" i don't think you thought i was going to answer.

bells.

ringing.

lyrics from mazzy star's fade into you.