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am i original? (16 january 1999) am i the only one? am i sexual? am i everything you need? you better rock your body now. okay. fine. i admit it. erin caught me this afternoon after she got out of the shower. i like the one song. i can't pretend i don't anymore. i just can't. i like that song "everybody" by the .. <sob> backstreet boys. i'm so sorry. but let's count out the other musical selections i like. sheesh. leave me alone. you know you all have your own perversions. your own quirks. the girls down the hall were playing new kids on the block today at full blast (shortly after they had finished singing "living on a prayer" twice). am i sexual? not lately. so i'm trying to decide whether i should stop writing email. i'm really over-emailing. & i feel stupid because i don't want to fill people with more blue than they need. maybe this is all another odd part of my backstreet boys phase. i don't know. i'll tell you one thing though. when i close my eyes, i'm not the same person. when i open them, i can't tell who i am. i think i'm going through a period of time where i don't feel important or something. lately, a few incidents have left me (bleeding profusely) thinking about what kind of person/friend/lover/girl i am. it makes me want to pick up the phone & call someone, just get the wrong number & have someone listen. do you hear? at times, i don't think you do. but others.. i know you're at least listening. i'm not sure what it is i'm after/want/need/desire. i just know that i feel like i'm squirming loosely in the skin of a selfish bitch. i mean, what's this? this is me, talking about me & my problems. me & things wrong with me. what about what's wrong with You? don't take that the wrong way.. i think you know what i mean. i talked to jimmy for three hours yesterday. we talked about Everything & Anything. i think it was the most stimulating conversation i have ever had in a few months. the thing i like about my close friends is that i can sit down with any one of them & expand my knowledge of things/the world/time/disappearing/hearing/speaking, etc. at any given time. even if it's just learning what functions someone's brain goes through, what someone is thinking (this is an especially prevalent observation when talking to lo). 'i like how you broke the enigma.. "do you have a job?" that's what i would have asked too.' sometimes, with jay, jimmy, just.in (what is it with the js?), aud, swan, mar.. i would like to just have them talk & let me observe his/her thoughts. squiggle around inside the brain. or maybe for an even more direct connection, the heart. how do you know when something is in someone's heart? do they say it? do they mention it or bring it up in conversation? do you just say, "blahblahblahenterfeelinghere" or do you make up some way of covering it? i cover it. say things that have complete double meanings or something mysterious -- wait a fucking minute. i'm giving away my secrets. herr. let me go back. is there a certain smell or odor or aura that we give off to indicate we're feeling a certain way? does our skin fade & lighten, do our eyes darken & fill? do you play tricks with your hands? do you shift your weight from one part to the other? are you acting & are we the directors, waiting to see what you improvise next?
what makes a friend? what makes a love? my expansion on a thought. i turn to you when i need something. i hold out my hands, linked together in order to boost you over this fence & run away from the barking animals. i can trust you, & if i can't, i can forgive you & act cautiously. ohhh. you argue with me. you disagree. you take charge. you make moves, you live your life & the life we share is separated just for us. what am i talking about anymore? baby's black balloon. when you stand outside my parameters & sing songs, poems, billy joel sonnets, i know there doesn't have to be a reason why we're all here. we're here because we feel. i don't know what it is. nor do i really want to find out. are you talking about me? no, but i'm thinking about you. |
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