& the battle's just begun.
hi. i feel really.. uhm.. lost. i woke up today as i wake up everyday, with the window open, my sheet & blankette shoved down to my toes & my down comforter over my upper torso. i felt like shit. i felt like sleeping for another few days. few hours at least. another day. i pretended to sleep until erin got in bed, & then showered, dressed & left. but there is so much thought going on.
i decided i needed to call dr. dixon. i decided to email dr. stein. psychologist & psychiatrist. i decided i needed help again. i thought about needing a smaller college, although this one is claustrophobic & suffocating as it is. i don't want to go home, i don't want to go back to the life i used to lead, but i want to begin again. i don't feel like a person anymore. i was writing an email & thinking, "how dare i call myself a writer. i haven't done jackshit for months." but that's my personality, i said, that's who i am. i'm a writer! if nothing else, that's who i am. what do i do now? "yay teenage angst." yet i feel older than anyone my age.
i don't want to cut, which is nice. it just seems like a pointless waste of time to me right now. gah. i don't want to waste the energy. i don't have the energy to waste.
silly me thinking it was over. silly, silly me. why do you suppose a change of scenery will aid my addictions? sigh. i'd like to be given the choice, the opportunity to say, "girl, this is what it's going to be." i didn't choose to go to this school. i didn't choose to be here. can i solve the puzzle, pat? tell me, who has won?
i like the way this sour apple blow pop feels in my mouth. it's very tangy. i can't bear to look at anyone's site at the moment. I FEEL SO FUCKING TRAPPED. helphelphelp.
it's been eighty one days. (of losing my mind.) silly silly me.
GET ME OUT of Here.
people people people. "& keep them up."
perhaps if you had administered a few more fatal beatings, this never would have happened.
maybe i need something to happen to me. something wrong & that which represents all evil in this world. maybe i do. maybe i should be raped, deflowered of my virginity. maybe i could be murdered or beaten severely. perhaps that will awake me from this stupor. doctor doctor. aud aud.
s s. s o s. s o s.
h e l p m e f r o m m y s e l f
a l l t h e u n b o r n c h i c k e n v o i c e s i n m y h e a d
what's t h a t ?