[2 december 1998]
wash away my heart. nonono.
guess what, everyone? it's december. there isn't a november 31. please excuse any mistakes i have made concerning this mere factoid.
so i'm sitting with my hawaiian punch & really rasty mac & cheese listening to emm gryner & considering cutting my hair just about that length. hello, darling.
messy. everything is messy. i told jessica that i wanted to curl up inside the pages of a book & fall away. fall away. the pages are smooth, smell recycled & clean. i feel wrapped up in a thin cardboard wave. soak me into the words, your smells & the characters you created. if i had multiple personalities, would you be me while i take a break?
this is what you get. she's swarming around in my head & cocoon into a ball. hide me, hide me. sheets smell like a workout & i want to cry. keep me sane & snuggle into my pillow. there's a pad & pen by the bed in case of emergency. all i want to listen to, as i stick ear plugs inside my head, is the sound of the wind. the sound of the wind coming through the window, wisk me away, i wish. if i could fly, i would. if i ever panicked & decided to kill myself, i would fall out a window just to know what it was like to fly. here it comes. i hear the traffic & the rubber of my own wheels feel burned.
the window is swirling around & the wind is open. blue lights, blue lights, twinkle with the stars. you are a star. who? i'm cuddled inside my thoughts but my shivers are tossing me around in a dryer. i'm not getting any less wet. come step on me, wring me out. if i stand with my arms out on the sill, will i drip dry? the lights are corresponding representing all that is ugly. pass, pass. exxxx. rows & rows. foosh, foosh. wwffff. ssooom. my shirt is tucked in but it violates my scars.
sidewalk. cement. flower bed. a bed of flowers. come lie with me. the petals flip around my lips & shut my eyes. roll around in the dirt, move the rocks.. center down. scream scream. it envelopes & all i can listen to is the deaf. what's good for me.. whatever's good for you. what's god. what's god. i'm god. i'm my god but i can't lift the waters, i can't part the sea. where's my savior hiding in the middle of my soul, behind my lungs. breathe for me. breathe & hold me down. keep me this way, push me around but don't let me turn. swwwuuuuuuuuuuu. i'm not with you, i'm just feeling it.
he's too fucked up. he's walking a straight line in a circle & pounding effortlessly on the ivory. he's frowning & his brow is shadowing his eyes. the siren is louder & crisp like burning leaves in september when he knows it's really autumn. create, he says. this is to create. he would go outside & fall on his back to just watch the clouds if the demands weren't so large. if he knew the neighbors wouldn't be watching. if he knew that he was beautiful to so{me}one he would go outside & let the grass move in between his toes like applesauce. bouncebounce. flicks his pen across the room clinks into the window pane & he sighs. should he get it. should he stay or should he go. where's his role model, where's his crutch & who is he supposed to trust. he doesn't even know you. he doesn't know who you are. he doesn't know who you could be.
she's sitting with her hands behind her head. she's running her hands through her hair & rubbing the knots out of her neck. her feet are curled with her leg, entwined in a sheet. her skin is bare & she's protecting nothing human. a hand touches the petal skin that rivets over with scars. take this. she's coming to see things differently. she's on a plane in her mind & meeting no one at the terminal. she's in a bathtub underwater, waiting for the pain in her chest to become so tight she's forced to surface. she cannot kill herself by holding her breath. but she's not dying. she's eroding into the dirt, sliding down the hill & spinning through the grasses. she's coddled by the earth but longs for the hand to reach down to entangle her flesh, sever the half-grown roots. it's not too late.
