things come slow, disappointingly. one day, i'm going to grow wings. i saw someone's site tonight. read it through. & began to cry. not too odd due to my overemotional state. but then i came to another, familiar site. & read one part thoroughly. & sobbed. for hours. i haven't stopped. seven here & midnight where you are. or are not. i like the counter melodies & dueling harmonies of this addiction. metaphysical. melanin. crushed. juices flowing. i have no sex drive. i don't know what you're talking about when you mention that you might want me. i don't know what that is. perhaps if it were in the form of music, i would understand. someone wrote a song for me once.. twice actually. but i never heard the second one. i wish i had. but then again, i'm afraid to. how can you fear something you desire? stupid question. The memories are worth the pain of fallen angels and shattered dreams. Isn't it? I don't need your help. I don't need your help. I think I just need you. -john:incoherant ramblings- who is this person? you ask. who am i? i counter. good question. ask me when i've slept for a year & written for twice as long. ask me when i've heard the song which was written between the palms of my hands. no paranoia. ask me when i lay my head on the side of the piano & gently touch the keys with my right hand only in a fitterhappier, in the meantime melodrama. ask me when i'm no longer empty & frantic. ask me when i'm separated from my heart. not you, stupid. oh. who is this person, then. there is no person. don't you see, i'm trying to reenact what this feels like. there's not one soul there. i don't feel it beating beneath my eyelids or taste the saliva in my mouth when we drive up a hill fast & i'm moved the closest to masturbation i've ever been. when my fingers touch the stucco ceiling & i can feel it through my fingers, vibrating against my bones. slow down. never. the blue lights lining my windowless shadow. i cannot find the entrance to this new beginning but i've been quickly shoved out of the end. i'm sick of being stunned, shivering. shaking. my body screams for rest but i refuse to let up. whip-smart. back to work, no break but the work is a break & the break is nothing. pitted. yes. pitted against whatever lives inside. GOD HELP YOU IF YOU ARE A PHOENIX. god won't help you, dear. there is no god. there is only you. only you for you to believe in, only you for your creations & mutations. only your thoughts, your touch, your juices, created from the same molds as me. don't be afraid. it's a panoramic scene. maybe i'm a kite flying high & dangling a string. maybe i'm just lost in this maze of clouds & moons shimmering over lakes {pull me out of the aircrash}. maybe someone will rise above & speak for us. for you. for my imagination. dear ladies & gentlemen of the jury, i'll have you know i was fully aware of my actions at the time in which they were executed. i remember the words from my lips when you repeat them to me, let the record show. i remember. i can taste the taste, bloody yet tart. beautiful. it is beautiful, but you can't see it. break the ties, forget the lies. you forgive me once, will you again? i forget where our past began & where i met you. why did i meet you. why was there a collision of our worlds. it makes no earthly sense -- you see more than i. you're a star. {& she screams} archetypical. don't you leave me here like this.