[4 december 1998 v.2.0]

mysterons.

i've been having dreams about kissing. i don't even want to kiss anyone. but these dreams make me miss it. sigh. i miss the warmth, i told justin. i miss the exchange, i wrote. exchange. like i'm swapping my tuna for a friend's turkey sandwich. i have to tell you beforehand that i tried to

kisses. kisses. i caught myself titling my head back when i wrote the word. mm. there is one specific way in which i love to be kissed.. my favorite, per se. i'm sitting on the ground, making spirals in the bit of ground around with my twisting finger. i'd want you to play with my hair even if it's messy or shorter/longer than usual. push away the curtain from the open window. you the breeze & i the air. i'm trying not to watch your hand out of the corner of my eye, pretend that i'm not leaning into your palm, turning my cheek to face you. your fingers slightly feather on my face, light tingling like tiny drops of water blown by a sprinkler set up on the warm grass. fssht, fssht. you hand weaves a web over my mouth. run your thumbs under my eyes, pitted, gutted in a midnight black & blue. your hands beg me to get more sleep, take better care of myself. i'm looking at you watching me now. you're looking behind the watery blue-green shadow in my pupil, into the recesses of my forgotten corners & dusty shelves. you're picking up the books where the secrets hide. i can feel you swarming around, washing me with your own thoughts. this fluid motion makes me dizzy &, eyes closed, my head tilts back as if i were falling asleep. you're cupping my chin in your hands, immersing the oils of your touch with my untouchable face. slide your mouth closer, approaching as if i have a disease or something evil hiding behind my teeth. my breath becomes shallower & your lips pause right above mine. i can feel the warmth from your lungs inside of my eyes, swishing through my throat & into my ears. mm. buzzing. the world has disappeared & we're paper dolls cut out in this moment. smooth your lips over mine, pulpy & chapped but inviting like a rug in front of the door. take in all that is in my touch, our contact. i feel lightheaded, flying over my body & diving into your pockets, safe. open my lips so we can take of each other, gently & ever so slightly. soft, your hand in my hair & cradling my neck. past the pearly gates, warm fluid brings a surge boiling through the middle of my chest. grab hold of your biceps -- i feel myself toppling over & is it you who is real, you that my hand grips, you who i'm cradled inside. your mouth is rough, the back of a towel burying yourself inside after a cold shower makes everything content again. thhhhhick, hazy, couldn't see even if i opened my eyes. see the backs of your eyelids, not mine. fusing into you, pulling me closer & i'm wrapped inside your lap. playing the ivory keys of the piano in my head, you are the perfect harmony to the melody of my thoughts.. hold me here longer, i'm sinking. drowned.. swirling through this maze & i'm sure i know not of where i'm headed. hold my face like this a little longer, your thumbs running over my cheeks & your fingers tantalizing the back of my neck. your tongue tickles the roof of my mouth, behind my scars, tasting my buds. blooming inside your mouth, i dive past malcontempt. i feel like i should cry, should shed tears for this beginning of now. your fingers lift slowly on the keys & i'm swaying to the tune. you the music, i the notes. hold me.. hold me here. play this song repeatedly & i'll swim into your heart canals like red fire.