[13 december 1998, very fucking early]

what are we coming to? i'm going to melt down, i'm sure.

i bordered the thin line.

._ ._ ._ ._ ._ ._ ._ ._ ._ ._ ._ ._ ._ ._ ._ ._ ._.

i'm in a relatively good mood. i wish aud were around so i could bounce things off her that i wouldn't normally bounce off anyone else but her, therefore stating her importance. ahhh. that made So much sense. indeed.

i need to get a new chair. the chairs i have at home & whatnot for the computer are all so Painful. they're very wooden & i'm not quite sure why i subject myself to this kind of torture. maybe when i grow up i'll get a magic rocking chair like john kennedy & a little child will sit in my lap & gurgle. that would be nice.

do you ever think of becoming a mother or a father? no, not really. i used to. i used to think about it often, but i don't. not now. <shrug> it just doesn't seem like anything realistic at this point. i'm not responsible enough for myself so i doubt i could be for another little person. so i'm just being fair overall, i suppose.

i was seriously considering packing a lot of my stuff up & heading off to london. maybe oxford. wherever. just Going. wherever. i think it would be nice if i had some money. that might do me good first. har. nothing is possible without it. everyone's a wanker, everyone's a loser. bastards, all of them. but i love you & you love me & all is well. yay.

i miss my dog a lot. is that so wrong?

whoa. stacey just came in here & was talking about her roommate situation. poor girl. sigh. i wish i was closer with the people who i lived with. but i don't really care that much. <shrugeroo> whatever. it's not really my deal. i don't like cliques. i don't like snobs. & i certainly don't like YOU. oh, wait. crap. just kidding. :erase:

okay. it's way past my bedtime & erin is super-sick..

blame it on the black star.

blame it on the falling sky.

blame it on the satellite that beams me

home.

{later in the day}

let's be jolly, people. come on.

i'm sitting on my hard-ass chair getting ready to go back to studying. ew. but i couldn't help but notice the highway. it's grey outside (i've said millions of times that the grey sticks to this place) & the cars & trucks have their headlights on. vroom, vroom. i wonder if someone is going home to see his family. or maybe traveling back from a visit with her loved one. maybe someone is going to the airport to fly out or to pick up someone in his arms & swing her around, nuzzling her neck. awww. that would be sweet, wouldn't it. i talked to someone i hadn't talked to in a long time.. & he & his boyfriend were spending christmas together. sweet.

have you noticed that when people are in the black that presents don't matter? oh, christmas isn't about presents, it's about being together. but they still get the damn presents. well, screw you too. give me some of that money you're not spending on anything but raunchy art to decorate your full walls & send me to a place where i'll be happy. give my dad a job. give my mom her own studio. give my sister anything she wants.. phhhhbbbt. but please stop playing those f'ing midis of christmas cheer.. i don't think i can take it much longer.

ev is done. bitchass. she's lucky. i wish i had her luck. but we have the shortest vacation in the state. "was that something you all aimed for?" my mum asked. good question. i'd like to think so, that it was a goal. har har. then we may have accomplished something, i suppose.

okay. nose, grindstone.

i keep falling over.