i'm in a lull.

[15 december 1998]

one day.

i'm sorry that i lost control. my cursor seems to bounce up & down when i begin to type after a pause. crawl through the keyhole & sneak under my bed sheets so you come up through my pillowcase. it has a bit of a hole in it, you see. you're covered with feathers but i can't imagine you as a bird. you fly. but you're not a bird.

i'm not coming out anymore. <squiggle> i didn't think of you in the first place.

he's sweating under the sheets. shiver, shiver. grip the sheets hold them up to your ears cover the lobes Exposure. i should have put a shirt on shit what if there's a fire & i'm without a shirt it's fucking cold outside i don't want to hurt anyone. i'd run outside & run back in leave my house alone leave my bed alone i can't get out of this place anymore.

beautiful. you are. did i mention that? even through this tiny peephole. you're right, i Don't want anything to do with you. i don't want anything to come of you. i don't exist, get it through your head. it's through & out.

gulping from a can i can taste the metal when i lick the spoon scraped against my teeth. i came to you in a dream once & decided to hold your hand kiss your fingertips DO YOU FEEL THE TINGLE? oh, i'm sorry. when you're like this i want to hold you in my arms & rock you back & forth hold on hold on you're okay hold on hold on, baby. it's all right everything is going to be okay. it's all right you're here hear i'm in motion emotion don't say i word i know everything there is.

you know too much. you know too much.

it's over. i'm climbing back into my covers like a nutshell.. cover me.

hover.

smother.



speak to me.