you're still moving.

[26 december 1998]


my brain is stuck in the middle of my shoe. i think i stepped on it when i was attacking the ice on the driveway.
well, She's back, so i must be back too. it's not "already." i dreamt i was putting love into my eyes like bubble gum. just a bit of a wave & bend. people have bothered me lately & i've been expressing it rather rudely. "witchy woman." "boy, i'm glad people have made an effort.." ::/sarcasm:: what am i saying.. the sardonic, cynical side never ends.

stop pulling on my chair. just stop talking. could you do that for a moment? just stop all existance & i'll be over here waiting. the eternal brb. i want a new cd & i want it now. i want some money & i want it now. i want change & i want it now. i want this stability everyone knows about & i want it now. i want to be the girl who gets all she asks before even when it goes unspoken. i want materials, ends to all ends, members & courts. actually, no. no. back up. i want. that is all. the things i want. when i describe myself, i'm embarrassed. when i'm describing you, i'm proud. you have a good heart, she said. mm.. the best. right there, one of the first.

i'm drooping. i wish you were here to hold me up, to count my eyelashes, wiggle me sane. view view change my point of origin. i can imagine you in the snow & it makes feel silly. i can't read anymore of this, anymore of this ... revelation. what's the r-e-v without conviction? sigh. i Hate her. i will never like her. i will always hate her but i will strive to be the sweetest person she has ever known. let them bleed. me, sweet.. heh. she'll love you more than me, she'll cherish you more than me even though i'm the only one who feels this way about you. i hate no one but myself.

i hate no one but me.


circles & circles. again.