don't ever stand aside.
four april 1999.
don't ever be denied.
you gotta be who you be if you're coming with me.

i think i've got a feeling i've lost inside.
okay. you're going to hear this story because i'm going to tell you. i'm not going to tell you because i think you want to know, i'm going to tell you because it's cathartic & i need something like that at this point. so skip it or complain to me elsewhere.

okay. we're talking about my family. i've got mom, dad & jess, who is littler than me but almost old enough to drive a car (consequently, she does this thing akin to our dog pacing in front of the door when she wants to go outside: she gets in my car & starts driving it up & down the private drive, into our driveway, out of our driveway into the neighboring driveways.. gaaaah. it's so annoying. why she is allowed to drive alone ALREADY is a mystery all in itself. "she's on private property.. the law doesn't apply on private property." UHM EXCUSE ME?!?!!!). here's who we actually see on a regular, maintaining a family relationship basis: there's mom's mom & dad, mom's brother, his wife, my cousin who goes to school here & my cousin somewhere near richmond with his wife & 50 bazillion dogs. that's basically the extent of it & that's just fine.

but on easter. everything goes to hell..

because THEY come.

they are members of my aunt's family. her mother is okay, really rich & incredibly fucking stingy but nice in her own right. but her sister. okay. this woman lives out in north carolina with her husband & two girls. laura goes to nc state & martha is nine. i've never seen the husband, but apparently he hardly has any teeth (the ones he does have are black & rotted out) & is the living definition of trailer trash. i'm not talking about people trailer trash, i'm talking about the trash that the people leave around their double-wides. that's him.

pause. how can you talk about your family like this, bloo? oh, come on. firstly, they aren't related to me. i have NONE of their blood in my veins & i don't like them. i think kathy (my aunt's sister) is nice despite her sopping hickness, but the rest of them are freaks. & besides, they push the envelope so i'm allowed to tell mean stories about them to people i don't really even know. so shaddup, damn it! i'm very distraught!!

first, we shall discuss martha, because she's simple. martha is a terror & never really grew mentally or physically past two. she's so annoying.. she beats up on the older kids, she's mean to my grandparents, she disrespects her mother, she throws shoes around the damn house & she won't SHUT UP. EVER. today, she was doing these stupid playing card brain teaser games & kept asking traci (my eldest cousin brian's wife) to quiz her. then she went on to me, my mom, so on. but it was always on the same goddamn card. & after a while, this gets annoying. especially if we're trying to converse. so when she got upset that we weren't paying attention to her, she turned into a dog & went whimpering around the room on all fours. then she started to beat up kevin (cousin here at school) & brian. BRAAAAAAAAAAH.

then there's laura. ohhhhhh laura. this girl flirts with anything that has a pulse (even my cousins). but let me tell you the blasphemy she brings into the house (begin sarcasm).

so here's my aunt who, frankly, is a freak. she's nuts. she's totally insane. if someone wants more milk, you can't have any. kevin & i wanted to leave, but no, we couldn't go because we hadn't had dessert & no matter how late it got, we couldn't leave without dessert & she wouldn't put it on the fucking table. so we had to stay. JESUS. it just makes no fucking sense. my dad & i exchanged looks the whole time as she just SAT THERE. ARGH. but she won't invite kevin's looooong time girlfriend over EVER, but does unless she knows she's not going to be there or is fixing something she's allergic to. she also alienates brian's wife so badly that they don't ever want to come up. & these are all subtleties that you pick up on, nothing that she really does extensively. GAHHHH. okay.

but she's a freak & you follow her freakish code while you're in the house. laura doesn't see the point in these rules so is as rude as she can be when it comes to their enforcement. so she was at the beach this week. with a boy. this boy is not her boyfriend, apparently but they were cheeky. ANYWAY. laura simply INVITES this boy to come with her straight from the beach to the house/dinner without asking Anyone & especially not my aunt, who would have said no to her own SON in the first place. so this is an UPHEAVAL in the household. kevin freaks out, as he should, because girlfriend, who mom knows, never gets to come & everyone else freaks out because it's such a blatant disregard & absolute no-no. good god.

yes, so everyone freaked out. he turned out to be this shy, cross-eyed son of a methodist minister who barely said two words to anyone named phil. definitely worth freaking out over. totally worth it.

but i forgot to tell you about my dad's side. real quick because i'm getting disgusted. dad's older brother has two daughters, both ten years older than my sister & i respectively. he was married to a school teacher for like.. thirty some years.. he's a real nutcase, she met someone on the internet in california, fell in love, divorced uncle, moved out there to be with 'netchatter. eldest cousin has three kids, is only like 24. husband in the submarine part of the navy, goes away for six months, comes back, shacks up, she gets pregnant, he leaves for another six months, rinse & repeat. younger sister overweight & doing nothing, going nowhere the end.



OH. & you know what the sad part is? we don't even CARE about easter or the meaning of it (well i don't anyway & it's not like we remember it or something). we just have these dinners to "GET TOGETHER." AUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

ham & rice.

broccoli salad & rolls.