2308
i try to stay awake.

all right, people. let's talk about a pressing issue. no, not bladder control (that problem was relieved before the journal entry began). sleep. yes, sleep. had you been keeping up with my life or even if you hadn't & you knew exactly what i was thinking at all times, you would have been aware that i'm not sleeping well. but let's skip ahead, shall we.

circa seven pm. blue tinkers with guitar, plays some chords, thinks about justin. puts guitar down. sleeps until approximately eleven-oh-three. barely hears anything between the hours of eight and eleven. hears mother call & have a forced, tired conversation with erin but i'm still in bed. i pushed the covers down with my feet once.. i think that was soon after the phone call. then i pulled the first comforter up with one hand, being all melodramatic because i started to realize that i was getting cold or something (the window is wide open right next to you, dummy). okay.

is there something wrong? should i be worried? wait. i should tell you more about the previous situations.

basically, in a nutshell (muffle), i don't go to sleep until about four, wake up at about six-thirty, stay awake until nine with this unnerving feeling about sleep & wake at ten-ish to feeling rather.. weak. yeah. so what is this? i don't know, man. "sitting in the kitchen wishing i was living with a hit man."


earlier.
i don't care for nothing.
16 march 1999.
you know. whatever.

so i feel kind of stupid. i don't know where my brain is. but justin said that sometimes my journal entries are written to specific people. i don't know why that is. perhaps i should try the innovative new thing called email. jesus.

i'm really HOT. but i need to shower & i hope the shower is hot. because yes. that would be bad if the shower was cold.

"damn it. imperfection of circumstances."

i'm becoming a kleptomaniac. well, maybe not. but i took a pick & a pen from mars last night. i guess that was a bad thing to do, but at least i have a pick now. i feel a little better. i mean, really. it's just a piece of plastic. & people take pens all the time. pens aren't owned. they're just pens. devices used to write checks for the large amounts of money these people are spending because they have it & there's something i want. because they have it, key words.

something disturbing. i've been sleeping all right. i mean, i'm sleeping. that's the point, right, of sleep.. to sleep. right. but i wake up. not like i usually wake up & just stay awake & get pissed off & toss & turn. i wake up very specifically. it's a very awake feeling i have. & i think all these thoughts to myself, look around, put my hands up in the air to plant them back down against my sides again, stretch.. feel that i'm here & that i'm breathing.. but.

but.

i'm not being pathetic. i'm really not trying to be if i am. i'm sorry. new subject i wish i could get over this whole "i'm mad at you" thing too. but i wish you could get over the fucking fact that i'm HUMAN & that i didn't do a fucking thing.

i'm thinking a shower would be a good idea right about now.

"maybe i just want to be left alone."
so say that.
"i want to be left alone."

two years later...

okay, this might take a minute. i was just in the shower & i had some thoughts. so bear with me.

isn't it strange how the simplest differences can make such a big impact? i'm in the shower & i'm thinking, "gosh, i didn't feel like this in the shower i took one week ago." when i get out of the shower, i know i will feel differently, another level of cleanliness (?) than i did a week ago in someone else's shower. is that because of the water? i'm curious. is it because i had a different attitude that my hair came out a little musty & gross when i got out last week, but feels fine & clean with the same shampoo techniques right now? i think it might have something to do with the water. there are two kinds, i've been told. soft & hard. but it didn't feel like soft water, this water of last week, because when you take a shower in that, it's like you can't get all the soap off your body. i definitely felt like i had all the soap off my body. so what is it? i'm so confused & i want to know why i feel differently!!

another one. i have a bunch of stuff written on my hands. most of it i have not recorded yet, either on paper or at least something more permanent than my skin. so i don't want to lose it. but when someone Else writes on your hand, then it's a completely different story. i feel kind of like the restorationists in front of leonardo's "the last supper." a little less dramatic, however. see, if i trace back over it, try to preserve it, then what if it comes out looking completely different? i mean, i can't get this person to just redo this thing on my hand because it would lose original meaning as well as it would prove me absolutely inane. but if i trace over it, like the restorationists said, will i be thinking, "but [leonardo] never would have used colors like this? look at the way that line moves? [leonardo] would never have used colors like that" & of course there would be a large moral & ethical debate over whether i should have traced over it or tampered with the uniqueness of the original work in the first place. you know what i'm saying? good.

okay, so maybe now you're thinking, "jesus, she's certifiable." but tell me if you ever considered these things. i mean, come on. maybe i have an obsessive/compulsive brain, maybe i can't stop my thoughts & perhaps sometimes they're absolutely irrational & stupid. they make no sense at all & have no bearing on my life as it continues to wind down this big staircase. but i'm thinking these things, right?

why don't YOU think of these things for once?

you know it's.

going to be.