all sucked out.
7 april 1999.
lovely.

flying . . .

Physical State: Shaking. Headache. Dry.



Mental State: Self is tired, fucked & feeling of overwhelmed. Wants to spit at things.

Annie hold a little tighter?


Location: i want some rain. i want some rain. rain-soaked cheeks. rain down on me.



it's the best goddamn thing you ever had. it's the best thing you ever had & yes, it's gone away.

such pathos.

i sleep through life. i'm sleeping through my life. i don't think i've been so tired. i have been so tired. i'm not tired. the places are hidden in the gutters & no one is sweeping the sidewalks.

i'm not touched.

stop it. stop.it.
okay. i'm sucked in. would you like to screw around? would you like to forget about a polygraph & just remember what is freedom? i wanted to mean something. i wanted my words to spell something in that linguistic pattern you seem to have so much experience in .. just.
with the light in our eyes.

holdon hold on you COULDN'T hold on anymore. you couldn't hold on & i didn't give you reason because i thought we were writing again. i thought we were dreaming again, placing our palms against the plate glass window in between & tracing the lines of each other's motions. don't let the days go by, but we forget the concept.

bruises on my face, on my neck. i keep falling over. i couldn't change though i wanted to. i asked someone the other day to let me slide.. let me slip. but i couldn't do it. i just couldn't do it. i left the days & the theories & forgot to mention that i was aiming caution at your windshield.

just regression.
that's just fine.
i'm used to it by now.

could have been easier on you, i could have.

knockdowndragout i wish you would just get angry. but what's worse than being angry is being sad & despondant & you are the sadistic definition of both.

can't talk like a normal person. i don't speak like normal girls though i know the tongue. after awhile, i'll calm down & figure out the spirals in my head with post-it notes on my bare skin. but i just feel
itchy
trigger
finger.




i am nucleaic.
"this is why i cannot love you." (aarti)







ad infinitum.
i remember beauty in the ways you described it to me. but you never really saw my face through your blue eyes. not icy cold, not sky blue.. but just.. blue. like font color equals blue, hover equals blue. i love that blue. it pierces m'eyes.

i'm always worried.

i am overly concerned.

i wish it had been my fault, i do. i wish it had been. at least with the others i can say that i obviously did something wrong. now i just have to assume. i just have to curl into a ball under my desk when no one is here & rock back & forth & think of reasons why.
think of reasons.

why don't people come up with the what or the who or the when? aren't these questions equally important? starting with the what the who the when then leading to the why. don't always assume that you know these three basic facts. because perhaps that's where the real mystery lies when they board up the windows & dust collects.


she says BAYBAYEE.


if there's anything i'm not, it's phony. it's awake. i'm not wondering what it's like to be with someone else, i'm not wondering what was like .. shame to shame to shame to shame. you over me, you over me.
we don't know how.

getting it back together. i have a weight on my shoulders, i do. i can't shut up about it. i can't shut up about me. it's always me me mem meeeeeeeee goddamn it why can't you just SHUT UP. shut up about about about what you need what you lost what you desire what you WANT what you are. just shut up. just shut up.
there's no getting back.

i'm sorry for being a bother. i'm sorry for talking too much. too much i do talk. want to stop, can't. so small, so small.





everyone here is caught up in the flow. i'm bumping into people left & right. i feel like richard ashcroft in the 'bittersweet symphony' video except much more indifferently moody than he. everyone is thinking about someone else. why do i only think of myself? see.. i couldn't exactly tell it was you in the light when i closed my eyes & reopened them.. there was a small blur of dots & floating sparkles around me face. nuh oh no.
would you like a piece of bread, perhaps? i couldn't really stand it until you came down on me.