god knows.

4 february 1999 in pieces.

not much left: 1629.

i think i'm sometimes in a constant state of euphoria, delight or just personal hell. sartre has his finger on my pulse. heLL is other people. you are my hell.

i'm missing aud a lot lately. it's not that we're not talking, it's just that our schedules are rather different & we both run to class a lot. or run into class. whichever. but i would definitely like to sit down & buy her a slurpee sometime soon. because she still rocks my nonexistant dick off.

so one of my friends from high school has emailed me. she wants me to go to miami with her for spring break. some concert. er.. coincidence? i don't know. there is a rhythm. i don't know about this, kids. i wish i didn't have to deceive my parents. just tell them, "mom, dad. this is where i'm going, i'll be back then & i'll give you a call sometime in between then." what would they say to that? wouldn't i just do it anyway?

i feel really crusty. maybe the reason i can't look at myself deals with the fact that i'm taking too many showers. it's hard not to look at yourself in the shower. so i just stare into the water.

sigh. reasons for living. bow-ing down the cello.

it's not good to be this hopeful.

mm. but i like it. a lot.


shoot me: 0323.

yes, it's the end & everything is dead. yes, it's the beginning & we're all reborn. what Next, fuck?

sigh. so hey. how's it going? great. i'm fine. yeah. there's nothing wrong, really. i just feel like an imposter in mine own skin.

i'm going to go now. yeah, see you later. cut it again. i'm going to put my head down & speed to the door.. slam. just keep on crying, just keep on trying. god knows, god knows. goddamn.. just keep your head down.

can't look anymore. can't find the courage. it's hard when i'm taking my eyes in & out. hold your face. what happened, oh nothing. good girl be a good soldier. thatsa girl. hold me up.

parts. made, formations, glue, foundations. cracked, smudged. spilling over the cloth. mmmmmm. no. it's okay. it's standstill, stationary. no one knows, it's all right. goodnight.

we're done, right? great. time's up. see you.

perhaps it is simply
that we remain
alive
complete with malfunction
whole with error
one with our dark side

perhaps the trick is staying awake..

"there's a circle that i escape to when they leave me as i was before this. there's a plucking of cello strings & i'm going to cry for days in this rainy mist where it's cloudy no one can see in. shh. it's opaque. cute. they're dancing around me, raintears, pixies. say goodbye, fall away. close your eyes, it's okay.

"there's a square where i thrash & fuck & no one knows. there's a space where everything is filled with sound. bow'ing the strings down, makes the znnnn sound. there's no secret because they know nothing. no silence.

"so i fall on my knees & it's all over."

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