we get to carry each other.

21 january 1999

did i ask too much?

i'm afraid of this strange vibe i get from your words. it's a moving, a flowing that i am all too unfamiliar with & i'm not sure what you're implying/denying/abiding.

when you're speaking, you seem careful. like you can't say something because it's the wrong thing. about me the way i have about you. what are you saying? where are the words in wondering? where is the correct statement in the blathering that's going on inside of your head/small intestine?

it's all i've got, really. it's all i know. it's all i really cling to. but when you throw this in the mix, i'm unsure as to what to do with it. bobble around in my hands like silicone jelly, stare back at it with the same disassociation you use to speak to me.

but with the other, i suppose it's all a matter of touch. i keep thinking of ways to keep the time from running out. there were too many things that i should have kept in when i let out. words, phrases, hints, allegations. things left unsaid. unspoken.

if it were humanly possible for me to do so, i would close up entirely. shut down. hide for days. send signals to me & me alone. bend the unbendable with my frowns. just a little chink here & a raise there. tip the light from side to side & create new formations of shadow.