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yeah. yeah. fuck yeah. fuck yeah. so here it is. i'm not fucking around, i'm not dropping my pants at every boy or girl who salivates, i'm not open, i'm not fucking fucked. yeah. so i'm banned at someone's school. i guess some of you can't watch when i shove three fingers of my right hand into my cunt & wipe the taste on the screen. i guess you can't see it when i'm being thrown around by someone in the darkness. maybe you can't see it when He's got his hand down my throat, trying to rip out the very thing that keeps me alive. maybe you don't Know. maybe you don't FUCKING KNOW. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. so maybe i walked upright. so maybe i watched. so maybe i moved my eyes & they were hazed over. does that mean you're allowed? does that mean you're allowed to fuck with me? does that mean that you & your friends can tear me down, hold my mouth open? is that okay? you i could take. your ribs i could break. one swift... KIck. the only kick in life is pumping steel. you stupid fuck. you stupid fuck. you stupid fuck. no one cares about you. no one cares about you. fuck you. fuck you. you can't take it away, you can't take it back, you can't, you can't. i won't fucking let you. i'm not inferior & you can't fucking make me. you can't make me say anything no matter how hard you shove with your hand. fuck you. so i guess when i get it, i get it. no, you stupid cock, i didn't ask for it. you did. you invited yourself to a party i didn't host. but it's the price i pay at the door that gets you inside. fuck fuck fuck. you stupid fuck. do you fucking HEAR me?! i know you can't help but listen, but you NEVER fucking heard a word i ever said. fuck OFF. get OFF of me. get OFF. stop it. stop it. you're such a pussy, you don't need me, you need them to hold me down, you stupid fuck. you stupid fuck. i hate you. you brought this, YOU. you. fuck you. you just need them so you can watch. where have those hands been? will you pull up my spleen so i suffocate you with it? yeah, so my fingers are broken. yeah, so i can't breathe the way i want. but You didn't do it. no. you had nothing to do with it. you Hide when it comes down to it. you HID. you motherfucking cocksucker. & you wonder why i didn't believe you, why i didn't trust you. remember when we were on the field, walking back & you were on one side & i was on the other walk & i started to scream. you remember that. you remember that you kept walking. you remember that i jumped on your back & knocked you over. that i knocked you down, in front of everyone. everyone saw but no one wanted to look. everyone knows what went on. but no one will believe you when you tell them about this. no. they won't. because i'm perfectly unharmed. i have an alibi. you never had an excuse, no. you never had a leg to stand on & you couldn't hold it up. you couldn't let me see. cut a hole in the fucking wall, you prick. maybe when you left, kicked me sideways, i called out his name under my breath. maybe i did. maybe i called out someone else's. maybe i thought someone would be around to save me. it's large enough, loud enough. i've asked enough. i've paid at the door. maybe. so while you drink & fuck & snort & smoke & shit, i'll sit here with my hand inside me. because it makes me feel better. protected. & i won't care who comes in & looks, sees me naked, stretched. no one will know anything has changed. throw a sheet over yourself & find the certainty. & when you come back to finish the job, i'll smear the juice in your eyes & pull back your intestines. & everyone will watch & believe. it's only YOU who doesn't want to see.
29 january 1999. |
