19 february 1999.

saw things.

i can feel the treads on my neck. pressing on my trachea. you looking down at me. a cloak of faces draped in my honor. "really, you've succeeding in trying to scare me. wouldn't you like me conscious so i can enjoy your foot in my side?"

the wind slips backwards, rushing towards the main street. suck in a final breath before impact. first the toe, penetrates the skin & the rest of the leg comes along with it & there's full force. driving train into a pile of drift wood. homeless. it's quick but all too slow. first comes the pain, the sharp stab, the pain. then lurch over, rolling to the side. face kisses the mud, sucks the ground. spit blood & it just comes back. squint eyes shut, slam jaw tight, don't bite the tongue. fold onto stomach & try to bring legs to the chest but it hurts to bend. hurts to move, hurts to breathe. time to take it on the other side.

i'm not afraid.

i don't want you to have any Idea that i'm frightened. i'm not in pain. you'll see the spit come out of my mouth, stained. the snot shoots out of my nose but no tears. maybe my fists are closed, clenched, but not shaking.

i am not crying.

i am not afraid.

"could you stop touching me? i never liked it when you touched me."

but i can taste it in my mouth. the steel. i can taste the metal. the metallic bond, the bronzing, the varnish. i can feel it rubbing against my temple, scratching the back of my neck. the weight in my hands is real & strains my shoulders. i can see me salivating, drooling, gagging. then folding in half & screaming for a momentary lapse of ideology. it chaps my lips, pulls them apart, hits me in the face. my tongue isn't sure where to go. it won't have a problem in a minute.

but i never did it.

i never did it.

maybe i wished it, but i didn't. maybe i'm too chicken shit if you see it like that. but you know what, h, i'm still here. i'm still here in your wake. i'm still hanging by a thread & trying to remember what it was turned you from when you held my hands & when you held them down. how could you. how could you leave without an explanation, without motive, without caring. you never gave a fuck, did you. you never gave a fuck. i hated you & knew when i walked around in my sandals & a t-shirt that it wasn't what i wanted. but i couldn't say no. & the one time i did, h, you tried to destroy me.

maybe you have.

i dropped the phone. on my foot no less. i hung up first, don't get me wrong. the battery popped out & spun over to my speakers, under my desk. i couldn't move for a period.. i don't know how long it was. but i wasn't quite alive. you.. not you. if anyone, it's supposed to be me. you got out of it, didn't you. while you were still on fire. while you weren't all the way down. while i was still standing.

i didn't need you. i didn't need to kiss you or have you kiss me back. i didn't need to pretend that i was somewhere else while you did whatever it was to do. i didn't need to float out of my skin & look outside at the stars, where i really wanted to be. i didn't realize i was cold until you were there.

stale.

i'm not interested in going to see you. i'm not interested in seeing you ever again. this has happened way too many times. & as hard as you tried to stop it, i'm still breathing.

look who is not.

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