11 november 1998.

[tangled up.]

when someone asks you a question you don't necessarily want to answer because you're not in the mood, do you answer? it's not that i don't have the answer, it's just that i don't want to explain myself sometimes. it's weird.. swan asked me to explain my fade writings yesterday.. couldn't do it, nor did i want to. i wonder if the question to be asked is "why" do you explain things rather than "how."

more reconciliation & renewal conversations. i appreciate it when people continue communication even when they have every right to axe everything. in relation to renewal, i spoke with jen today about how we were unsure as to how to handle speaking again. it's not that we fought. it's not that we were archenemies. we just Stopped talking. call it lack of time or just being lazy.. it just dwindled. i miss her a lot. i still talk to wendy, & i absolutely adore her. i miss jen. a lot. sigh. maybe this will work..? hope so.

<yawn> my computer is finally back from the Long Neglect. it took nine seconds to fix. gah.

i spoke with my shrink on the telephone today. it was odd. i sat on the windowsill looking out at the frat houses on the phone with my shrink, this woman who knows all of my neuroses. alexander graham bell. plus i wouldn't be surprised if my hall heard every word. it's hard to have a conversation in a dorm. i can't imagine having a significant other in this kind of setting. ugh. i haven't spoken to her in ages. it's just like talking to jen, except in a more professional, help me-way. this is probably one of the most challenging angles of communication.. talking with someone you haven't spoken with for a extended period of time. not only is it difficult, but also humbling. i don't understand my laziness when it comes to relationships. sigh. perhaps it's not laziness, but a mere lack of consideration for human contact. i don't know nor do i feel like deciphering this now.