[9 december 1998]

all right. your eyes..

<yawn> okay. so shannon's really wiped out, kids. this has been a great couple of days. stand on a cliff & look down there. i'm officially done in my own mind. fuck, i've been done for a long time.

::sticks a fork in it::

we won't bleed? hi. burning holes through me. you're not even looking up. i'm out of here. i wonder what your hugs are like. do you even? i think i've seen you before. i think you were square, made of paper. you would bounce in my hands if i picked you & threw you in the air.

harmonica. i have to tell you about this.. i woke up this morning under the trees by newman (lake). yes, that's right, out of my dorm room, under this weeping willow. i was freezing my ass off & i suppose the reason i woke up was because my foot was dipping into the acidic waters & my toe started to fall off. i suppose that had something to do with it. so i just got up & tripped back to my dorm. i had my keycard with me.. but not my keys. i was vaguely aware that i was outside & just thought, if i can remember, that jon was supposed to meet me out here to watch the meteor shower (something that happened a month-?- ago..?). so i walked back inside in my blue birks, my cia shirt that chad had given to me recently & my plaid pants that just so happen to be from the limited, ms. knee. i don't remember going into the actual building or going back to sleep, but i woke up at about ten this morning & it was after i took a shower & found grass in the drain that i remembered. wondermous, darling. nuts..? no, i think not. dreamer? yes.

dreamer. that's what i am. i'm dreaming of things i can never(?) have. things that are beyond my grasp. just because i reach out doesn't mean someone's going to grab my hand. isn't that the way things work? i didn't think i was picky about the hand.

if i were lost, would i be found? if i were gone, would you find me?

i don't believe you would. i'm not listening when you say.

all natural. natural flavored. no, they don't, but they probably will, won't they? tell me the truth. no, they don't. sigh. but they usually do. i wouldn't be surprised.

"I think you stole my heart now, baby, probably just leaving." fuck you! fuck you! i don't know what to do! fuck you! they're All fucking killers, murderers. they're all out to get me. fuck .. they're all going to come after us. explain explain. i'm not, i'm stuck in a bottle, i'm stuck underneath the top, i'm stuck in between the glass. fuck. jesus christ.

jay is being a help. really, he is. anywhere you turn? i don't know. turn the fucking light back on. mmm.. tell me where to take off my shoes.

spiritualized.

Sun so bright that I'm nearly blind.

Cool 'cos I'm wired and I'm out of my mind.

Warm as the dope runnin' down my spine.

And I don't care 'bout you,

and I got nothing to do.

Free as the water and air that I breathe.

Even freer than DMT.

Feel the warmth and the sun in me.

But I don't care 'bout you,

and I got nothing to do.

Love in the middle of the afternoon.

Just me and a spike in my arm and my spoon.

Feel the warmth of the sun in the room.

I don't care 'bout you, and I got nothing.

I think I'm in love, probably just hungry.

Think I'm your friend, probably just lonely.

Think you got me in a spin now,

probably just turning.

Think I'm a fool for you, babe,

probably just learning.

Think I can rock and roll,

probably just twistin'.

Think I wanna tell the world,

probably ain't listening.

Think I can fly, probably just falling.

Think I'm the life and soul,

probably just snorting.

Think I can hit the mark, probably just aiming.

Think my name is on your lips,

probably complaining.

Think I have I caught it bad,

probably contagious.

Think that I'm a winner, baby,

probably Las Vegas.

Think I'm alive, probably just breathing.

I think you stole my heart now, baby,

probably just leaving.

Think I'm on fire, probably just smoking.

Think that you're my dreamgirl,

probably just dreaming.

Think I'm the best now, babe, yeah,

probably like all the rest.

Think I could be your man,

you probably just think you can.